Doctors and Triggers

Monday I have a doctor’s appointment.

One of my biggest triggers are doctors.  I’m lucky enough to have a family physician with whom I’ve developed a deep trust and understanding with, but that took a lot of pain, triggering, switching, etc. and 5 years to get to that point.

I can’t imagine if we ever move or are forced to switch.

Unfortunately, Monday’s appointment is not with my family physician.  I have a medical condition that recently developed that’s cause extreme trouble and specialist after specialist.  It’s actually directly what has led to a relapse in my ability to function with DID.

I’m terrified to go see this specialist Monday.  I can’t even remember if I’ve seen him before (the number is saved in my phone, but I have no idea when it was added).  I know the appointment will be awful and terrible if it is a second or third and I can’t even discuss with the doctor anything new or different.  Hopefully it won’t require me to talk at all.

Doctors are a trigger/phobia for almost ALL of my alters.  I have very few that can withstand being around them.  Especially male doctors (like this one).  The alters that can stand them are usually semi- or completely mute, so it makes dealing with the information and questions extremely upsetting and frustrating.

Usually my mother is nice enough to join me.  She isn’t entirely aware of my DID, though she isn’t an idiot and does know I have “issues”, especially with doctors, so she tends to act as “translator”.  Unfortunately, my mother is an attorney and has a trial all day Monday that she can’t get out of.

So I’m on my own.

I’m trying not to hyperventilate or look around for my blades/razors to control myself.
I don’t want to switch uncontrollably right now. I can’t afford it this weekend. I have too much going on.  The blog at least gives me a bit of focus.  But normally if I start thinking about having a doctors appointment Monday, tunnel vision starts happening and things start looking sideways before….I disappear.

I hate doctors so much.

6 thoughts on “Doctors and Triggers

  1. Bourbon

    It sounds like going to see the specialist is very important and whichever way you look at it you aren’t going to be able to really communicate or retain information if you are there alone. Would it be possible then to postpone it until your mother can go with you? Normally I’d just plough straight on through but I think sometimes you have to admit that you need some support. Just all query I suppose. Im sure you’ve already thought of this! X

    1. penpaperandcrazy Post author

      I wish I could reschedule. Unfortunately, because it’s a specialist, appointments are weeks and weeks out and I’ve already waited a long time to try and solve my medical problems. At the rate I’m getting worse, I’ll probably end up in the hospital again if I reschedule…and my fear of hospitals is muuuuuch greater than my fear of doctors offices.

      I’m trying (in a roundabout way, since I don’t really have internal dialogue with all the alters) to find one who has no issues with doctors and will actually communicate intelligently and take notes for me to review.

      Unfortunately…the only matching alter at the moment is Charlotte. I really don’t want my appointment to end with her stripping or flashing him…


      1. Bourbon

        Can you communicate with Charlotte and compromise with her? You do this (without stripping) and we will do this? X

      2. penpaperandcrazy Post author

        Perhaps. So far she wants to her favor to be using the body for casual sex, which I’m not comfortable with and would compromise my current state of health even more. I’m trying to see if I can talk her down. As terrible as it sounds, I’m willing to let her going into some X-rated chatroom for an evening or something…

      3. Bourbon

        Absolutely. Definitely stand up for what you know will compromise your health even more. It doesn’t sound terrible that you’d let her into a chatroom. One of my teen alters once asked/informed me that she is going to have time in a teen chatroom (a sexual teen chatroom). I’ve never told anyone that before but…. you do what you gotta do sometimes.

      4. penpaperandcrazy Post author

        Oh, I’m glad I wouldn’t be the first person to allow that sort of thing. I feel like instant messaging kind of stuff isn’t really “real” anyway. And I’m technically not involved with anyone, so there’s no partner’s feelings to worry about either.
        Thanks for the insight 🙂

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