Shatter – Part Three

Late Winter – 2005

Again, again, again. My heart is feeling solid and fragile, yet heavy in my chest.

Am I jumping to conclusions unnecessarily? Are my silent accusations unfounded? Does it even matter? If I don’t think I can trust him, then obviously
I can’t build a relationship on that. It doesn’t matter whether I should be trusting him or not. The factor is gone, the relationship fractured.

Does he even love me? In the way I want him to? How do I want him to love me? Do I even want his love? Could I return it?

I don’t know if I have any love left to give.

I think I’ve used it up, trying to keep my faith and hope alive. The fire is done burning. Extinguished. Love was the fuel and I used it up. Lord, I must sound so depressingly soap opera-ish.

A month or two ago, I was so concerned with him and Texas. Now, I don’t really care. (or is it buried so deep that I don’t even know?) It just hurts that he wouldn’t tell me. Confide about what is making him so…strange. Did he think I wouldn’t notice? He just drifts further and further away. Towards Texas.

He isn’t even playing our little “games” anymore.

And though a small part of me says not to, I can’t help but think that I should just let him go. Maybe he and Texas are supposed to be together. I am reminded of the Tarot Card reading about our past lives that we did so long ago. The fact that we are meant to be. But we aren’t necessarily. According to the reading, I haven’t always had him for every past life. Maybe this life is met for Texas.

I can’t have him holding my heart, a wicked smirk on his face as he debates on throwing it. I can’t go through that. I don’t want to give him the chance to break my heart. Maybe some wicked part of me is hoping I break his heart, but I don’t think that’s really my goal. I’m protecting myself. Self-preservation is very important to the human psyche. I want to be able to pull away and forget before I lose a part of myself to his carelessness.

And though I feel like I’ve just found him only to lose him, Texas deserves her happiness. And he his. I have my writing. I don’t need men.

I have very good reason to believe this is the conclusion. I spoke with him. I have officially broken it off.

Hah. Some nasty part of me gets great satisfaction out of being the one to hurt first. Rip, tear, shred. Chip away at that ego. See how it feels.

I told you that I have some iciness about me that most do not witness. There is solid, hard proof. Gritty too.

And I do not really feel anything about it. I don’t feel happy, or sad. Perhaps it has not fully hit me yet. I am known for my slow reaction to things. Especially items of large importance. But I do feel as if something has lifted, my load is lighter. And that is enough for me to realize that I did do the right thing. It may hurt, later, but I know now, fully and clearly, that I did the right thing.

My heart is back in its diamond-hard shell, and I can begin to close the top, and live independent again. Back to the single life. Of course, that is what girlfriends are for. Parties, good books, even better food.

I can live on.

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