Good vs. Bad

(warning: some triggering talk of self-harm, a miscarriage, and sex)

A simple comparison of all our voluntary relationships…

____________________________________

#1
We’ve known him since middle school and he’s always been vocal about his crush on us.  We ignore it for the longest time.  Then all our friends start dating and we feel the pressure of that peer pressure.  We cave and agree to “go out” with him.  Of course, so early in life, this merely means holding hands in the hallways (his are always clammy) and occasional sloppy kissing sessions (he uses way too much tongue).  He’s extremely socially awkward and not much to look at, but it feels nice to not be one of the single ones.  He makes us laugh and over the summer he writes us long heartfelt letters.  We are charmed, though far from infatuated.
It still hurts like hell when he dumps us.
We remain tentative friends, due in part to having a lot of mutual friends and in part to the fact that we don’t care about him enough to be wounded and shy away.

____________________________________

#2
He is in a class with Germany and us.  He sends us flirty glances and soft smiles.  He finds out we are Pagan and explains that he’s been drawn to that and wants to learn.  He writes us the dorkiest poetry on the face of the planet, but we smile and keep them in our locker anyways.  We like feeling adored.  When we cave this second time, his hands are dry and firm, his kisses electric.
Eventually the electricity burns as he pushes further.  Red flags go up and we retreat for two long years.
Then he finds us again and tricks us with talks of fate and pining desperately for us (our body).  We are tired of being single.
And we miss those electric kisses.
The second time he pushes harder and we have no choice but to allow the electricity inside.  It claws it’s way through scratching nails and sharp teeth.  He talks about claiming and branding.  He says we belong to him.
He breaks our heart when he leaves us for one of our best friends.  We realize how undesirable we are and start making sure no one will touch us again.  The razors are a sweet escape and our stomach eventually stops expecting food.
When we see him again months later, the electricity is completely gone.  But not the scars.

____________________________________

#3
She’s been our friend for a couple years and though we know she is bisexual, we think nothing of it.  We are broken and weary from our last relationship, but every morning we paste that mask on tightly and step out into the world.
She sees right through that mask.  She drags us to her house after school and convinces us to eat enough to not starve.  We decide to go to the Turnabout dance to forget and she accompanies us (she has to film it for Media anyway).  We invite her to spend the night after.
When Charlotte makes a move on her, it doesn’t take her much time at all to smile and go along with us.  She says she has been waiting.  We’ve heard the fate line before, but she floors us with the line of knowing there are “others”.  She delves into our psyche and tears us open and we like it (at first).
She sinks her claws in deep and the relationship becomes one of codependency in no time at all.  For a good while there is a good amount of give and take. The sex is dark and rough, but Charlotte takes what she can gets.
It is perfect.  But she had a white knight syndrome and soon she thinks she has fixed us enough.
She finds another wounded bird to rescue.
It turns our world upside down.  We beg, beg, beg.  We swear we can be exactly what she wants, what she needs.  She is deaf.
We are living alone for the first time in our lives when she leaves us.  The house is monstrous.  It feels like a tomb.  We think perhaps that is best.
The pills go down easily and the slashing is even easier when we are high as a kite.  Then the switching and paranoia becomes too much and we hide the basement from those who will find us and take us away.  We battle our fear and triggers as it becomes harder and harder to breathe.  Finally one of  us (Rika…) gets fed up and forces the body upstairs and onto the front porch, where she calls an ambulance.
Rika realizes the mistake when we land in the psych ward fighting to keep ourselves semi-sane.
We have to call Her to ask her to check on our dog.  How could we have been so stupid as to leave the poor puppy alone.  When we are released, we go to collect our stuff to move in with Daddy.
She is there, watching TV.  She looks at us.  She sees that we are a horribly broken, wounded bird.  We could not be any be any more broken than this one moment.
She goes back to the TV.
We leave and Rika sends her a nasty text about getting the #$@% out of our house.
She eventually leaves the state.  But not before she spends a good amount of time trash talking us to our friends and calling us all sorts of names (slut).
We have to scrub, scrub, scrub her influence from our mind because every time she calls (too much), she is able to twist our system into knots and turn us against each other.  We cannot scrub that influence.  We cut the tie.

____________________________________

#4
Charlotte takes over for a while after the psych ward and prowls around the dating websites before she discovers someone she wants to meet.  He takes her to a new year’s party where she drinks too much and flirts with his brother.  He doesn’t seem to care as she grinds up against him during a song and kisses him during a match of beer pong.  Over the next couple weeks, Charlotte quickly gets fed up with him as she discovers he’s terrible in bed and doesn’t have a job (even a slut has standards).  She brushes him off.

____________________________________

#5
After thinking we really shouldn’t be dating for awhile due to our issues, we are asked out by a guy we used to go to high school with.
We don’t particularly like him (he’s a supreme asshole), but Charlotte is again peaked due to rumors she’s heard from friends about his sexual prowess.  She is surprised when he is polite during the date and even walks us to our car after the late movie.  A couple days later, she has him in bed with her, as she wanted.  And it’s better than she expected.  She likes that he leaves soon after and insists on “just a casual relationship”.  She can do fuckbuddy well.
She is momentarily distracted from her fun when she is late for a period.  Impossible.  Our body is like clockwork.
When the nausea and constant exhaustion sets in, she flees in terror and doesn’t come out for months.
He feels the need to be responsible even though he (really really really) didn’t want this (and jokes about running to Mexico).  It is horrible to have to tell people.
We lose friends, our health insurance, and our place of residence (Daddy says we’re a badgirl…badgirls can’t live under Daddy’s roof. Or use Daddy’s health insurance. Only ladies.)
We move in with him and the stark reality of his true personality (Asperger’s) and quirks (that is waaaay too many guns for one person to own) comes out.
Then it is awful when we miscarriage.
He goes into his medical mode, which is momentarily helpful, but he does not know what to do when we sink down, down, down and start back with the old habits.  Pills. Cutting. Not eating.  We are harsh in the punishment to ourselves.
He only calls us stupid and says to “cut it out”.
Soon Charlotte is the only one who can stand being around him most of the time and so the constant and wild sex starts up again. It’s ok, he got fixed. No birth control needed. Children are awful he says.
For the first time ever, Roms (not rika) thinks nasty and angry things. She hates him for the way he is relieved about everything we’ve gone through.
And soon, even Charlotte gets fed up with his ways and lack of compassion for most things.  She is disgusted with her formation of a conscience and blames it on being bored and ready to move on.

____________________________________

#6
There aren’t many bad things we can say about this one.
The bad things are all us.  We abuse his trust and compassion and flee every time he tries to get close.  Charlotte tries to turn him far away by taking up with his friend.  She feels no sense of triumph when he does distant himself for awhile.
There are temporary things about his situation that annoy some of us.  He seems to be a bit further behind the life stages than us, but perhaps that is something that is needed now.
The kisses are electric for the first time in a long time.  Charlotte toes the line, but surprises all of us by pulling back before going too far.  There is an ability to banter without turning to insults that we love.  And for the first time, we voluntarily surrender the information about our mental state.  It is a bit of self-sabotage as we assume he will not want someone so broken.  But he takes it in stride.
We waver, feeling that cliff we are standing so close to.  This one could definitely pull us over.

____________________________________

Please share your thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s