Trigger Loop

So we’ve been caught in a trigger loop that’s caused uncontrollable crazy cycling for the past couple days.

Obviously it’s caused some issues. Including publishing the last post, which was intended to make us smile, ground us, and think of Germany when we’re down, but had some harsh consequences.

Shadow Dragon is a good person.  She is a wonderful friend that we care about and cannot ever thank enough for digging us out of the hole and saving us from being forced to live with our father again.

How she was painted in that brief conversation with Germany was out of a dark place and a dark alter that dislikes any “advice” and considers it all “manipulation”.

After realizing our horrible selfish mistake last night, we tumbled a bit further out of control and Victoria did a sort of meld/temporary integration with the newer alter who now calls herself Daria (formerly “badgirl”) and did some awful self-harm last night that we’re still trying to recover from.  They were further wounded by an attempt to reach out that complete backfired, but that’s only our fault and no one else’s.

Victoria is getting better and better at stealing bits of time.  We didn’t even notice her sneaking some after work yesterday and swinging by a small store to pick up a new package of razors (since Rika got rid of her last ones).  And now she’s hidden them well.

Her alliance with Daria is frightening because when Daria downs a couple painkillers, it gets us floaty enough for Victoria to do her self-harm deep without realizing it.  And the feeling of guilt and self-loathing just overrode any attempts by Rika or the others to try and get out.

We seem to be able to sort of have control today, but Victoria has still snuck out a couple times during the work day to go in the the bathroom and at least pick at the scabs, though sometimes creating fresh slices.

I’m terrified and worried about hiding all this and seeming normal and being a lady and a good citizen a good member of society a normal woman who can earn a wage and be productive and contribute.

I don’t want to go back to the psych ward.

We won’t go back there. Whatever it takes.