Breakdown

(Trigger warning: we had a complete, unexplainable, weird breakdown that we’re going to attempt to explain. There may or may not be mentions of past abuse, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. Hopefully this flows with minimal confusion despite multiple alters composing it.)

This complete breakdown was a long time in coming.  It probably shouldn’t be that surprising due to all the shit that’s been piling and piling and piling.  Only so long before we drop the tray.

I don’t think the buildup is important in this entry. It’s pretty obvious from past entries on this blog that this have been circling a metaphorical toilet for weeks now.

Last night wasn’t anything terrible, horrible, mean, violent, etc.  It wasn’t even malicious.  It was a lovely evening spent with Jeff, Sleeping Dragon, and Puppy (SD’s husband).  We are still hyper-cycling due to some weekend activities combined with the past couple week’s buildup.

SD tosses a remote towards us.
A mild mention should be made that we’re having some sort of allergy issue or something that’s caused our left eye to become all but blind. Not that it has great vision to begin with, but normally we can manage contacts. At the moment, we can’t even put one near our left eye without excruciating pain.

Basically, depth perception is shot to hell.

And catch is a game He liked to play.

We’re triggered immediately and while Rika tries to control it with an angry retort, SD’s sharply annoyed reply only further instigates the blender-brain we’ve got going on.  Rika foresees a breakdown and quickly bails the body to our back bedroom.

The breakdown is almost immediately as Daria breaths out into the body.  The rest of us fall far, far away until Jeff requests entry at our door.  Claire scrabbles and manages to verbalize permission before Daria takes control again.

(technically none of the “regular” alters remember much of last night, so next part gets to be a stream-of-consciousness thing while we try to figure it out enough to write it down)

no game. don’t wanna play any any games. bad badgirl didn’t catch the ball. we lose the game. badgirl deserves to lose the game. bad bad bad.
no hide and seek. please please please. only little punishments for losing catch but the prize for him winning hide and seek is bad bad bad. and he always wins. always.
but no punishment is happening. wait. maybe if badgirl does the punishment, then he won’t. badgirl should just do it.

There is a moment of coherency as Charlotte attempts to push the self-harm thoughts aside with her own ways.  Jeff sweetly accepts and for a moment, Charlotte sighs in relief.

dirty dirty whoreslut needs punishment

Charlotte flickers bad at the sharp blow, surprised at the vicious attack.  We haven’t had anyone who actually hurt alters in the system in years.  It’s either themselves or the body. Most of us don’t even know how.

good. dirty whoreslut goes bye-bye. now badgirl can punish in peace. badgirl needs the tool. tool tool tool. sly-hands will help.

Victoria manages to slip some control into the body’s limbs and slyly grab her stash of razors she has near the bed.

nice sly-hands. sly-hands is good helper. easy easy to slice-slice the stupid badgirl flesh.
boy keeps talka-talking. trying to soothe. stupid boy. boy needs to understand we aren’t good. we aren’t trustworthy. only bad. he only likes dirty whoreslut and stupid dreamer-dingbat anyway. if only he knew all the dirt dirty thoughts and needs whoreslut thinks about. no more.

Rika snaps out when our hand feels wet, warm, and slick as she quickly tries to ascertain the damage. She cusses at Victoria, but determines it isn’t anything that will require stitches before she’s forced down again.

nasty foul-mouth needs to stop policing. bagirl needs this punishment. foul-mouth is stupid and wrong. always wrong wrong wrong. badgirl should just get rid of all of them. stupid crazy-talkers make everything worse. everything always worse. we should all just give up. go bye-bye.

Rika has picked the lock though, and the hyper-cycling happens, smoothly pushing Daria and Victoria away until we fall asleep.

They are surprisingly strong.  Charlotte hasn’t uttered a word since then.  We can vaguely sense her but she shies away the moment we try to coax her.  We can’t lose another…

9 thoughts on “Breakdown

  1. sleepingshadowdragon

    Apologies for the sharp tone with you last night; it was uncalled for. Chrissy was out last night and she hasn’t been out regularly since the body was 17 or 18. Her depression and anger at just about everyone makes her difficult to handle at times and she gets freaked out and defensive if anyone dares to assume that she made a mistake or shouldn’t have done something.

    I had to come out and overlay the OCD fragment to go clean the kitchen, refill the dogs’ food and water, clean the living room, and organize (control) the environment to get her to calm down enough that we could sleep.

    ~Raina

    Reply
    1. penpaperandcrazy Post author

      Oh, last night wasn’t even your fault. No worries. As your own post described, there’s some obviously craziness with the whole multiple-multiple household thing. Har har.
      It was mostly the doctor-stress overlaid with moving-stress overlaid with petsitting-stress, etc. etc.
      The whole going to our room was to try and reduce triggering you and starting a trigger loop as much as possible. Rika just does an excellent job of making it look like a storm off -__-

      Reply
    1. penpaperandcrazy Post author

      Thank you so much for your continued support.
      I know you’ve been going through a rough time too. We had to take a brief break from all the mental-health-type blogs as they were just too triggering. But during that time, we were still thinking warm thoughts for you and hoping you were safe and healthy.

      Reply

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