Practically Friendless

Hello.

It’s been a while.

A long while.

Things went…completely to shit for the past couple weeks. I don’t remember most of it, as the switching was ridiculous.

It pretty much started with my ex, Katherine, contacting me out of the blue.  Really for no reason.  I don’t know why I answer the phone.

Ok, I don’t answer the phone. Obviously. I have no idea who did, honestly.  There were a couple who talked to her throughout the conversation.  But most of us don’t have any interest in remaining acquainted with her.  Except for that alter who answer the phone- when the rest of us wanted to throw it against the wall.
And all it did was send us into a tailspin and what she said make me turn into my normal ostrich coward-self.

I had another mini-hibernation session, so to speak.

After the crippling conversations and texts from Katherine, Charlotte decided to run amok.
It was a disaster.  None of us never really been a person who thinks about carrying weapons around, but last weekend, we all had a desire to start carrying a gun (at least in the car).  Charlotte made a stupid, stupid decision that could have cost us our very livelihood.

We still have bruises. Though to be fair, she started that part.

If it hadn’t been for a firm direction on Shadow Dragon’s part, we would have let him pick us up and drive us all the way to Buttfuck, Nowhere, over an hour from our house.

And been stuck.

Thank god we drove.
The drink we were given…we are suspicious of something possibly being in it.  It was a simple bottle or two of hard cider we drank, but even Rika couldn’t shake the cobwebs enough to drive home until the morning.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

This is only now coming completely to light.  I wasn’t even completely aware of it until Saturday.

Saturday, when all the walls came down and all us alters decided to just be honest and work together for one simple day so we didn’t end up downing a bottle or two of narcotics.

October 6th, one year ago, we miscarried.  And it was the worse day of our life.

It’s been a huge chunk of what’s caused all this triggery switching and stupid destructive behavior.  Sabotaging relationships.  It’s what we do best.

We don’t deserve to be even liked.

And so, despite most of my friendships being currently down the toilet, I can’t really be mad at Midori or Claire for talking to Katherine.
I can’t be mad at Charlotte for acting like a self-destructive slut.  After all, it’s coping mechanisms that were creating years and years ago because they had a semblance of success.  They need to unlearn years of knee-jerk responses to our psyche swirling the drain.

Or maybe not.  Maybe it’s best if we just stay “that sort of girl”.

Our friends are better off anyway.

10 thoughts on “Practically Friendless

  1. vwoopvwoop

    I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I’ve noticed your absence and been concerned, I’m glad you were able to write and say how things have been, even though clearly they have been very difficult and painful. I hope the grief is healthy and not unbearable.
    Safe hugs if you want them.

    Reply
    1. penpaperandcrazy Post author

      Thank you, your concern means a lot. I’m hoping the grief is healthy too. So far, we’re managing to remain upright most of the time and go through the motions of life.
      I will take the safe hugs gratefully. Thank you.

      Reply
    1. penpaperandcrazy Post author

      I missed you too. Your posts have been scary and worrying us 😦 I’m so sorry we haven’t posted. It’s been hard reading about pain in general. But we care for you and send all the strength and warm thoughts we can spare right back at you ❤ ❤ ❤

      Reply
  2. wellcallmecrazy

    I wish I could say something that would take some of your sorrow and isolation away. Just know that you are valued and important. I hope the pain subsides quickly and that knowing you are valued by so many of us soothes your soul a bit. Keep on going.

    Reply

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