Self-sabotage and wishing

I know it’s bad when I can’t shoot vodka or rum. Just the attempts almost had me vomiting.

They want me to feel this heartbreak.  Won’t even let me drown these worthless emotions.

Thankfully, Victoria helped me manage Vicodin and T4. I won’t say how much. I don’t think it will kill me, but I sort of hope it does. I don’t think so though. Middi and Rika have too much control and they know exactly how much is too much.

Why can’t I deal with pain and heartbreak normally?
Why can’t I even deal with confrontation verbally?
I don’t remember most of this afternoon.
Mute “recorded” some of it internally for me, as Mute does when it’s out, but there are others who were out that won’t share.
One must have been Victoria or Daria, as I vomited a few times.
One was definitely Char or Middi- my clothes reek of cigarettes.

Claire actually screamed/yelled at Charlotte. She showed true anger.  That never happens. And Charlotte took it. Didn’t fight back at all.  But she’s also my main ally in taking these pills, so I know she isn’t guilt free. Claire refuses to talk to anyone now. Even Roms.

Things are over with Jeff. Completely. Obviously it’s my fault. Completely. I sabotaged it. Like I do with all my relationships. I don’t know if I’ll even have any friends left in a couple days….


Well that would be because the fuckhead can’t keep his goddamn mouth shut. You just fucking vent anonymously on a blog, but he decides to fucking vent to people who already love to fucking judge us and shit-talk us at the drop of a hat.
But we don’t fucking need friends. This is what happens when you fucking expose your fucking weaknesses like that.  Fucking men aren’t trustworthy. Take a goddamn leaf out of Charlotte’s book and just use them for sex. At least she doesn’t reveal deep fucking personal system secrets. Or get fucking attached. You fucking romantic drama fucking queens. All of you.

I don’t know where to go from here.

I wish the one-night stand situation with James, The Stranger, had gone further south.

I wish he had killed us.

8 thoughts on “Self-sabotage and wishing

  1. vwoopvwoop

    you are in a lot of pain and i’m so sorry. relationships are so painful, we relearn all our weak spots. i relate to your feelings about wanting to be killed by outside forces, but i hope that is not how things happen for you. i think you are worth a lot. i think you deserve happiness and a life that gets better. i understand you may not be able to hear me, but i am still saying “you are worth so much.” ❤

    1. penpaperandcrazy Post author

      Thank you. This comment means so much to me. I know it took me a couple days to reply, but I read it repeatedly over the weekend to give me at least a small smile. And I can’t thank you enough for that.

  2. manyofus1980

    I agree with vwoopvwoopers. Your really worth so much hon. All of you. You dont deserve that pain. You dont deserve the anger that your x is obviously spouting to friends of yours. Try to ignore him and them. Its hard I know. Safe hugs

    1. penpaperandcrazy Post author

      Thanks for being there, Bourb. That means so much to me. You are such an amazing support person, and I know you’re going through a rough time yourself, so I really do appreciate you taking the time to read my thoughts. Your hugs are always well-received and I offer you warm thoughts in return ❤


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