Apparently I’m trash (or The Email’s reply)

It took a couple days for me to get the courage up to write this post.

Germany technically replied to my email Saturday, but I’ve been dwelling and dodging and playing that ostrich-head-in-the-sand that I do so well.

She’s upset.

Yay, I’m clairvoyant.  Texas said she wouldn’t upset because we’re best friends and best friends are supportive.  But my tummy-guts-feeling wins again.  She’s pissed.

She said I’m trash.

I’ve never had anyone call me that.  Not even when Texas probably thought something close to that last year when she was angry we got pregnant.  But she never called us anything like that.

And to have Germany call me that….

I was a mess Saturday night.  And I was very ill most of Sunday- at least partially psychosomatic I’m sure.

It’s sort of surprising who first brought me out of a thought process that was going to turn self-damaging.  Army.  I know, right?  Mr. Emotionally Void and Unavailable.  It’s like he’s a different person since we stopped living together.

This was our text exchange:
Me:  Well, Germany thinks I’m a she-devil that’s ruined Jeff.  it’s a surprisingly hard blow to have a best friend think you’re trash.
Him: What happened?
Me: I emailed her briefly, updating her on my life, like I normally do, and apparently now I’m horrible. I dunno.  You don’t think I’m garbage, do you? Is that why you didn’t ever really want more than FWB?
Him: I do not think you are garbage. And the FWB thing is because of me and what I’m capable of. Not you.

Obviously not some amazingly romantic talk, but at least encouraging.  And then Shadow Dragon and Puppy were nice enough to watch a movie with me Saturday evening (“Identity”, appropiately, lol) and that helped a lot.

But still….a best friend calling you trash is hard to swallow.

Maybe I am trash and I should just accept it.

6 thoughts on “Apparently I’m trash (or The Email’s reply)

  1. vwoopvwoop

    oh dear, that is very upsetting. i do dislike it when one opens up to a friend only to be judged harshly for it. i don’t think name-calling is a very friendly thing, and perhaps your friend *is* upset but i honestly don’t see how trying to hurt you with meanness is appropriate. there are much more effective ways to disagree with your choices that aren’t damaging, and there is also the fact that friends are meant to support you and tell you the truth, yes, but it is not ANY truth that you are “trash.” that’s completely untrue, and very toxic and shaming to say to you. it isn’t an attack of the choice you made, it’s not saying your choices were trash (which is still very offensive and inaccurate) but they said *you*, yourself, your very being, was trash. that is so rude and hurtful, and completely untrue. i hope you can remind yourself that though you have made choices you regret and choices other people might not agree with, that will never make you inherently bad. no one gets to call you names like that, not even people who are your friends.
    i’m glad army was able to give you some perspective.
    and i’m amused you watched “identity” 😉

    1. penpaperandcrazy Post author

      Thank you. Things are better now. I know Germany was mostly coming from a place of confusion, so I’m more at peace with it, so to speak.

      I own “Identity”, actually 😉 I’m a huge John Cussak fan. He’s adorable. I like “The Ward” too, though it’s a whole heck of lot more triggering.

  2. Bourbon

    Wow. How incredibly hurtful and unnecessary. I’m sorry ((hugs)). No one has th right to call any of you tht, ever xx

    1. penpaperandcrazy Post author

      Thank you. Feeling a bit better about it now.
      I realized it must be hard for her to be a whole continent away and not be “in” the situation. Obviously she isn’t quite sure how to react. I’m gonna go with the whole “being forgiving thing”. We’re trying that now.


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