My Personal Angel: Zoe

Trigger warning for description of self-harm.

I’ve tried so hard to be good to myself.

We all made that promise weeks ago. And we followed through for a good while. Long enough for the constant ridge of barely healed slashes above my left knee to attempt to become scars.

But the stress piles and piles.

Work is becoming too much with my demi-boss’s passive-aggressive bitchiness. This time she actually managed to be bitchy about my bronchitis and lack of ability to communicate verbally for most of the week. I have a feeling she’s going to drag me into another “you-need-to-shape-up” meeting with our department supervisor.

Most of me doesn’t give a shit. I’m not going to roll over this time. I’ve done nothing wrong or unprofessional. She’s the one creating fucking drama that isn’t there.

But my second stresser makes me want to roll over and take my lashings because I can’t afford to lose this job.

Shadow Dragon just told me yesterday that her landlord sent her a stern letter basically saying I can’t live here and must be out by the end of January.
Now, this change in situation could work out because Army is possibly about to have his lease broken (due to his roommates divorcing, not anything he’s responsible for) and he’s asked me to live with him again.

Again I’m torn.  I’ve talked it all up to my mom and friends when they ask about how I feel about moving back in with Army. But truthfully….I’m not sure. My relationship with him has changed so drastically over the past two months that I’m scared to change it even further. I don’t want to tear down more walls. I can barely build them strong enough to keep him out.

I know I can’t be trusted to live alone. Look how badly I just backslid today, with just simple stressers and multiple sources of support.  I spent a chunk of my evening chatting with Shadow Dragon and Puppy, which relaxed me at the time.

But once I’m alone in my room and the insomnia beast sets in….I spiral. Down, down, down.

I take a strange focused pleasure in tracing the lines of the scars, opening the same slashes from weeks ago.  That focus and pleasure lasts until a soft jingle distracts me and Zoe noses closer.

She licks the thinly bleeding lines.

My heart breaks.

From my leg her tongue moves to my arm, my hand, my face. Then she settles her head firmly in my lap so I can’t bring my knee up to my hand holding the razor blade.

And all I can do is hate myself so hard, so deeply. How did someone so weak, broken, and selfish as me come to have such an angel of a dog to walk this path with me?

I don’t want to be here anymore.

And yet, when I look down into those golden eyes of devotion- I don’t want to be anywhere else.

image

2 thoughts on “My Personal Angel: Zoe

  1. Phoenix Rising

    Our Hollie Dog saved us so many times. She was always there for us and with us, love and devotion and warm soft cuddles. She’d lay her head on our knee and stare up at us with those big brown soulful eyes, and the world would be right again.
    We lost her in 2008. She was only 13. We still miss her every day.

    Now we have Spikey Woozle, and he’s not her, but he is himself, and he’s wonderful too. He’s all love and snuggles and kisses and warmth, and he knows when we’re not ok and he still loves us.

    Having such love and devotion in our lives is a blessing, and each and every day is to be treasured. Zoe loves you, all of you, just as you are. And she always will.

    *hugs* and understanding

    -Nick

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      This comment had me teary-eyed. Thank you for sharing such deep and personal parts of yourself. It means so much to me.

      I’m glad you have your own love-puppy (though I am so sorry you lost Hollie Dog- that is heart breaking).

      I know I’m so lucky to have stumbled across Zoe. In my religious belief system there is an idea that some animals/pets are placed on this earth to guide and support a person, sort of like a guardian angel. I wholeheartedly believe that is what Zoe is. She has saved me from suicide twice already. And yet she doesn’t see it as a burden, like some of my friends and family have in the past. She just wants to be with me. Dogs are beautiful creatures. Truly angelic.

      Warm thoughts ❤ ❤ ❤

      Reply

Please share your thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s