Tonight is hard.
Today was hard.
The past couple days have been hard.
My mask has been tightly in place until I am behind closed doors.
Thank goodness that skill was learned well.
I just feel like giving up so much right now. It’s so hard to stay postive with these crushing thoughts and constant insomnia.
I tried opening up a bit to Army about feeling down Friday. Via text, because texting is so magical in it’s security to allow deeper confessions without face-to-face or even verbal interaction. Army used the phrase “we’ll figure it out”, which has just completely thrown my whole system for a loop.
Somehow that simple phrase triggered a whole codependency fear I have. My issues should be solved by me alone (well…alone-ish, har har).
And now he hasn’t said a word to me since Friday night. He’s been active on Facebook, so it isn’t his job getting in the way. I’m sure I’m reading too much into it but I can’t stop.
I can’t stop.
Even when I unwrap a fresh blade, I notice how it says “made in USA” and my insides twist because I want to joke with him about of course the US still manages to make their own razor blades.
But I can’t.
I won’t seem needy. Or clingy. Or crazy.
So instead I break a promise.
Over and over I break that promise, the red lines multiplying.
My word isn’t worth shit.
I’m not worth shit.
I should just finish the bottle or bring the blade somewhere higher than my knee.
This is so hard.
My life is worthless.