Worthless

Tonight is hard.

Today was hard.

The past couple days have been hard.

My mask has been tightly in place until I am behind closed doors.

Thank goodness that skill was learned well.

I just feel like giving up so much right now. It’s so hard to stay postive with these crushing thoughts and constant insomnia.

I tried opening up a bit to Army about feeling down Friday. Via text, because texting is so magical in it’s security to allow deeper confessions without face-to-face or even verbal interaction.  Army used the phrase “we’ll figure it out”, which has just completely thrown my whole system for a loop. 

Somehow that simple phrase triggered a whole codependency fear I have. My issues should be solved by me alone (well…alone-ish, har har).

And now he hasn’t said a word to me since Friday night. He’s been active on Facebook, so it isn’t his job getting in the way. I’m sure I’m reading too much into it but I can’t stop.

I can’t stop.

Even when I unwrap a fresh blade, I notice how it says “made in USA” and my insides twist because I want to joke with him about of course the US still manages to make their own razor blades.

But I can’t.

I won’t seem needy. Or clingy. Or crazy.

So instead I break a promise.

Over and over I break that promise, the red lines multiplying.

My word isn’t worth shit.

I’m not worth shit.

I should just finish the bottle or bring the blade somewhere higher than my knee.

This is so hard.

My life is worthless.

10 thoughts on “Worthless

  1. Bourbon

    Looks like some hugs and warm thoughts are needed here. Your life is not worthless. Opening up to someone doesn’t make you co-dependent. It makes you human. We need to share things with people. You are not relying on Army to fix things, are you? You are just gently talking to someone so that you don’t have to feel so alone with all that you fight with everyday. You are worth something. To some you may be worth everything. I know for a certain 4 legged friend you are. I am proud to call you one of my friends on here. I am blessed to have come across you here. I think a lot of you. Always have done. Love to you xx

    Reply
    1. penpaperandcrazy Post author

      Thank you. I know Zoe is devoted. That’s one thing right at least. But a kite can’t fly with only the wind being perfect. Gotta have all the other bits together too.

      I am happy to have make a friendship with you as well. All my friendships in this blogging community mean so much to me. They really do help me in the wee hours of the morning when the nasty whispers are at their worse.

      Lots of love ❤

      Reply
  2. vwoopvwoop

    i’m going to keep handing you things until something cheers you up…
    a marshmallow?
    a xylophone?
    a cat dressed like a dog?
    a free ticket to go on that weird Arnold Rimmer fair ride?
    a bowl of mashed potatoes?
    a hug?

    Reply
    1. penpaperandcrazy Post author

      Lmao. Okay, you get an e-cookie for the Rimmer ride ticket. That did make me smile this morning. Thank you

      All those things are awesome. Except a xylophone. That instrument is weird. Always preferred a piano 😉

      ❤ ❤

      Reply
  3. Carol anne

    Me too, handing you…

    A donut

    Icecream with sprinkles on top

    Licks and tail wags from Nitro

    A sootheing cristal to hold

    Relaxing msic

    A smile

    Safe hugs xxx ❤

    Reply
    1. penpaperandcrazy Post author

      You as well, of course. I value all the friends I’ve made in this blogging community so much. You guys are the only ones who see me without the mask and don’t run away.

      That means a lot ❤ ❤

      Reply

Please share your thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s