Letter to Army

(Note: trigger warning for self-harm and dark thoughts)

Dear Army,

I don’t need you.

I don’t need these feelings of helplessness.  I don’t need this terrified semi-triggered state where I curl into a ball in my bed at 6pm and wish wish wish sleep would claim me. 

I don’t need to dream of you.

I don’t need to start compulsively keeping that bottle of sleeping pills on my nightstand again.  I don’t need to reach for them when a mere hour has passed without sleep.

I certainly don’t need to take two. Or three. Each day adding one more because, hey; they don’t ‘effin work anyway

I don’t need to have the blade ready.  I don’t need to toss a promise made in a moment of delusion when I thought I had actual courage and strength. What a silly idea. A stupid idea.

I don’t need to be in charge of the beautiful life of a perfect and devoted dog who only gives love and acceptance and doesn’t see me as the broken shell of a person I am.

I don’t need to think about those days when I was dependant on a whole other person. Those days I didn’t have a thought of silver blades and sweet aching hunger sated by putting a cigarette to my lips and inhaling to see the sweet sparkles behind my eyes (way better than food anyway).
I don’t need to remember that it was so easy to fall into being the other half of someone’s soul. A soul that can be ripped out and grown again because I am silly and stupid and not important and codependency is a real problem. Why can’t I learn that and that I better learn it because I am a wounded bird and she’s so done being my white knight.

I don’t need reminded of my joy in “being domestic” and having meals ready, a house to clean, laundry to do. I don’t need to be reminded of the loss that you don’t give a damn about that may have robbed me from my heartfelt desire of being a mother.

I don’t need you to be the first person I think about telling when I have something happy- sad- scary- funny- happen to me. I don’t need to start daydreaming about a day where you’ll want me to be domestic for you and you’ll say I’m yours and yours alone and the thought of being without me physically pains you. 

I don’t need support because a lady is to stand alone and face the world as just me because a lady is strong, silent, and doesn’t ever complain. A lady can go through life with that mask always firmly in place. A lady never ever shows the world pain or fear.

I don’t need.

I don’t need.

Ever.

All the love in my heart that is crushing me (killing me),
Pen

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