A well-deserved break for YOU

I think all of us (yes, you included) need a well-deserved break from dwelling on our lives.  I’ve noticed that the whole mental-health community seems to be dipping lately.

So here I am, happy to provide!

I don’t know if you have heard of Jack Handey- but he is hilarious!  He wrote for SNL and had this segment called “Deep Thoughts”, which blossomed into its own thing on the internet and in many published books.

Below are some of my favorites.  Please enjoy!


“If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror because I bet that’s what really throws you into a panic.”

“If you ever reach total enlightenment while you’re drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out of your nose.”

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.  And I can picture us attacking that world because they’d never expect it.”

“If you’re being chased by an angry bull and then you notice you’re also being chased by a swarm of angry bees, it doesn’t really change anything.  Just keep running.”

“Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demands your rights, even if you don’t know what they are, or who you’re talking to.  Then on the way out, slam the door.”

“If you’re ever on an airplane that’s crashing, see if you can’t organize a quick thing of group sex because, come on, you squares.”


“To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around.  That way, if anybody asks “Hey, can you give me a hand?”  You can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

“Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.”

“To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.”

“Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.”

“I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.”

“Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and that’s why so is mankind.”

“Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.”

“I think a good product would be “Baby Duck Hat.” It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.”


Hope you had at least a bit of a smile!  Feel free to leave your favorite funny quote in the comments!  I love collecting them- no matter who said them!

10 thoughts on “A well-deserved break for YOU

  1. Mooselicker

    When I was younger Jack Handey’s quotes were the only part of SNL I understood. Weekend Update was too current. Adam Sandler spoke like I was a baby. Jack Handey though, he really spoke to me. Thanks for reminding me he exists.

    1. Pen Post author

      Happy to do so! I miss those days of SNL. I can’t watch it anymore- it’s just so…immature and crap.
      Some of the good/old ones are on Netflix and I’ve been gobbling those up 🙂

      Happy thoughts!

      1. Mooselicker

        I haven’t watched in years. Maybe in 20 years we can all look back at it though and think it’s genius because it’s always going to be getting worse.

  2. Dave Walker

    Great way to start the day with a laugh. Although, sarcastically cruel I have always liked the entry:

    “One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. ‘Oh no,’ I said, ‘Disneyland burned down.’ “He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. ‘I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.”


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