Lonely Ghosts

This weekend has me dwelling.  I hate dwelling.  It never accomplishes anything.  Ever.  Except wasting time.

I got into a conversation with my massage therapist about eating disorders and she was floored when I shared the fact that I struggle with mine daily.   She said she wanted to know more, to understand.

Can anyone truly understand?

It is technically an illness, but unlike something like pneumonia, I don’t think the cause or symptoms are always the same.

I guess, for me, the bottom line is not only the skewed self-image, but the beauty of control.  My life can be chaos a lot, especially dealing with the DID. 

I wake up and it could be Thursday and the last thing I remember is driving home from work on Tuesday evening.  Usually nothing awful has happened during that blank.  But sometimes…

Of course, that makes the control of my intake hard.  My struggle with anorexia is different than most, I think.  I wage war with parts of me that think the whole “eating issue” is “bullshit” (no, it’s fucking ridiculous). 
I could spend all of Saturday making sure I don’t put anything but ice cubes into my mouth, only to have the whole struggle compromised on Sunday when Midori bakes a platter of cookies.  Then her and Armes devour the whole thing.

This is good, in the long run.  They help me stay alive.  That’s always been their purpose.

And despite my issues, our internal wars, my blanks of times, my memory problems, my mood swings, my depression, my eating disorder…

The devils you know are better than the ones you don’t.


“The devil that you know
Is better than the one you don’t

And so it goes…
Like lonely ghosts, at a roadside cross
We stay because we don’t know where else to go

The places, our old haunts
Will miss us when we’re gone
We can never move on

So like lonely ghosts, at a roadside cross
We stay

The devil that you know
Is better than the one you don’t

Like lonely ghosts, at a roadside cross
We stay because we don’t know where else to go
We stay because we don’t know where else to go”
“Lonely Ghosts” O+S

I couldn’t find a good YouTube video I liked…it’s a hauntingly beautiful melody though.  I wish someone would upload one that would do it justice.

6 thoughts on “Lonely Ghosts

  1. Mooselicker

    I dated a girl with an eating disorder and as much as I tried to understand it I couldn’t. I mean, I guess I “understood” it in that I was aware of it and what it could do but to call it an eating disorder I think makes it seem so much simpler than what it really is.

    I’d try offering you advice but anything I ever did to try to help her never did so instead I’ll just listen to what you have to say.

    1. Pen Post author

      I think the best thing anyone can do for me, or most that struggle, is listen. Offering that ear and measure of support means a great deal. Even over the internet.

      For all my talk on this subject, one of my greatest fears is simply being known as “that girl with an eating disorder” or “that crazy girl”. In real life, I am much better at “seeming normal”.

      1. Mooselicker

        Better to be known as something you don’t want to be known as than to not be known at all, right? Or maybe not. I think the real key is not letting yourself get labeled as anything you don’t want to be labeled as. And then there are 5 million more problems to fix. I’m usually much more helpful but like you know, I’m not right in the head at the moment.

      2. Pen Post author

        Eh. I would say anonymity is better than being known as “the crazy girl”. Hence my mostly distance friendships in real life.

        Haha, it’s the thought that counts. You getting over the flu is a completely acceptable excuse 😉

  2. vwoopvwoop

    unfortunately i think humans are trained to dismiss what they haven’t experienced as something they can’t understand. for example, when i was a teen in group therapy, i felt like i couldn’t understand the ED girls at all. but within my own system is hikari who is anorexic. i know what you mean about insiders disagreeing over respective issues.

    nowadays i try to simplify, i guess. there are a lot of things i haven’t personally experienced but i can sure as hell relate to people who’ve experienced them because all human experience is a continuum, and pain is pain, regardless of what causes it or how it manifests. i can’t say that i personally “understand” what it’s like to live with an eating disorder, but i can listen and i can care about you, and i can know what it means to be struggling and in pain and need to feel some semblance of control in my life for fear of losing my mind altogether. i would feel the same frustration you’re feeling if someone asked me to make them understand depression or DID or whatever else. it’s like, someone’s never gonna fully understand unless they experience it for themself, but they can try to educate themself and be less ignorant. do you feel like your massage therapist was asking genuinely or just out of fleeting piqued curiosity? i think that would be the main issue for me — whether i want to attempt to share my pain with someone is directly related to the way they seem to be asking and how open they seem to hearing my truth.

    maybe that's what i should say next time someone gets curious about my issues. just "it's painful, you know what pain feels like? it's that."

    1. Pen Post author

      That is pretty much the direction I went with my massage therapist. I was like “Well. It isn’t really something that’s easily understandable. But if you know anything of suffering or struggle, I imagine it’s similar. It’s a feeling of powerlessness.” I think she was genuinely interested. She and I have become close over the past couple months of me seeing her regularly. She’s almost like a part of my medical-type support team now and a rare one I feel comfortable with.

      I think sharing any deeply emotional or mental side of our psyche is going to always be immensely difficult. I think that’s why it’s so hard for me to make connections below the surface. I excel at faking the social experience, but the amount of true friends who can even begin to deeply understand me are far and few.

      ❤ ❤


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