Meanings

(slight trigger warning for brief mention of sex and intimacy)

After having two almost entirely meaningless and vapid posts I am mad at myself.  I really need to stop dodging my issues and get them down. 

This is a safe space.  Safe space.

Yeah, I’m gonna compare myself to a fictional character instead.

I doubt most of you have heard of the show “The Girls”.  I stumbled across it on Netflix while I was sick with pneumonia and watched all of season 1 within 3 days.

It’s about four girlfriends in New York who are in their early to mid twenties and have no effing clue what to do with their lives.

I wish I could say I identify with the chic yet bohemian Jessa, who I like the most out of the four girls.  But I know it’s Hannah.

I’ve even made that exact expression.  At work.  It’s uncanny.

She has body image issues.  I have body image issues.  She’s a compulsive writer.  I’m a compulsive writer.  
Now she’s also way too attached to her (entirely normal) parents and can’t keep a job to save her life, but that’s not important.

The main thing is her weird relationship with this guy named Adam.  They have this fuck-buddy-type thing, not officially dating, and mostly based on sex.

Wow.

That sounds familiar.

Now, Hannah attempts to break it off with Adam but then realizes she doesn’t really want a boyfriend anyway.  She sort of likes what she has with Adam anyway.

Wow.  I swear I’ve said those exact words to my best friend too.  It’s ridiculously creepy.

When she confronts Adam about how he’s been a shitbag lately, he is distant at first, then they have this weird fight in the middle of street and he screams: “Do you want me to be your fucking boyfriend??!!”

And then they’re good again.  And it goes well.  They hang out occasionally.  Adam prefers to be as close to naked as possible. 

Him wearing full pants is actually a rarity, but I didn’t want to scar your eyes.

They have slightly adorable couple-ish moments.

He pees on her in the shower because he thinks it’d be funny.  She is not amused. 
(thank god I’ve never had that happen- I would likely mutilate Army)  I’m not sure why I included this incident in my description of their relationship.  I guess I meant to show their level of comfort and humor with each other.

Then she balks when he confesses his love for her.  Now, granted, the character was distantly apathetic and a tad Aspie-eqse up until the last two episodes where he got weirdly clingy.  So Hannah’s understandably weirded out.
________________

Now, Army never says the “L” word.  Ever. 

But last night was….the closest he’s gotten. 
And I’m trying to not balk.  Not run.  Tell myself it doesn’t change anything.  It doesn’t have to change anything.  It doesn’t have to mean anything.
It doesn’t.

I don’t know what I want. 

Why am I so broken that confessions of deep emotional and attachment make me want to turn tail and bolt?  Or self-sabotage like a crazy bitch.

I hate being broken.

Pretending I’m like this fictional character of a moderately-successful show makes me feel slightly better.