(slight trigger warning for brief mention of sex and intimacy)

After having two almost entirely meaningless and vapid posts I am mad at myself.  I really need to stop dodging my issues and get them down. 

This is a safe space.  Safe space.

Yeah, I’m gonna compare myself to a fictional character instead.

I doubt most of you have heard of the show “The Girls”.  I stumbled across it on Netflix while I was sick with pneumonia and watched all of season 1 within 3 days.

It’s about four girlfriends in New York who are in their early to mid twenties and have no effing clue what to do with their lives.

I wish I could say I identify with the chic yet bohemian Jessa, who I like the most out of the four girls.  But I know it’s Hannah.


I’ve even made that exact expression.  At work.  It’s uncanny.

She has body image issues.  I have body image issues.  She’s a compulsive writer.  I’m a compulsive writer.  
Now she’s also way too attached to her (entirely normal) parents and can’t keep a job to save her life, but that’s not important.

The main thing is her weird relationship with this guy named Adam.  They have this fuck-buddy-type thing, not officially dating, and mostly based on sex.


That sounds familiar.

Now, Hannah attempts to break it off with Adam but then realizes she doesn’t really want a boyfriend anyway.  She sort of likes what she has with Adam anyway.


Wow.  I swear I’ve said those exact words to my best friend too.  It’s ridiculously creepy.

When she confronts Adam about how he’s been a shitbag lately, he is distant at first, then they have this weird fight in the middle of street and he screams: “Do you want me to be your fucking boyfriend??!!”

And then they’re good again.  And it goes well.  They hang out occasionally.  Adam prefers to be as close to naked as possible. 

Him wearing full pants is actually a rarity, but I didn’t want to scar your eyes.

They have slightly adorable couple-ish moments.

He pees on her in the shower because he thinks it’d be funny.  She is not amused. 
(thank god I’ve never had that happen- I would likely mutilate Army)  I’m not sure why I included this incident in my description of their relationship.  I guess I meant to show their level of comfort and humor with each other.

Then she balks when he confesses his love for her.  Now, granted, the character was distantly apathetic and a tad Aspie-eqse up until the last two episodes where he got weirdly clingy.  So Hannah’s understandably weirded out.

Now, Army never says the “L” word.  Ever. 

But last night was….the closest he’s gotten. 
And I’m trying to not balk.  Not run.  Tell myself it doesn’t change anything.  It doesn’t have to change anything.  It doesn’t have to mean anything.
It doesn’t.

I don’t know what I want. 

Why am I so broken that confessions of deep emotional and attachment make me want to turn tail and bolt?  Or self-sabotage like a crazy bitch.

I hate being broken.

Pretending I’m like this fictional character of a moderately-successful show makes me feel slightly better.


9 thoughts on “Meanings

    1. Pen Post author

      I do really enjoy the show in general. It reminds me of myself and my close-ish 3 girlfriends back when we were all in college and much closer. It’s a little bittersweet since the 4 of us have really drifted apart (even literally in the case of Germany), but we’ll always be friends. I hope.

  1. Mooselicker

    Everyone has heard of this show darling. It’s quite popular. It’s the new Glee in the sense all the boys hate it.

    Love and all that stuff is VERY confusing. I’m finally just starting to understand what it means and of course it was after possibly fucking up. I can fix the problems in time I’m sure but then there are more things I would have to question. For me it seems like too many people love me at one time which makes for a hard decision when I love them all back. Then there are other times when nobody loves me back which I now know is far worse. So be happy that someone might potentially maybe in some universe really truly probably most likely care about you in a hefty way. Love DOES last forever but its expression rarely does. I could go into more detail but I’m still terribly confused about it all.

    My advice? Be honest to yourself first, others second, and to the rest of the world last. People will tell you what they think you want and if you’re like me you may end up believing them because I think we’re all a little too damn confused about life. Once I find a real answer that doesn’t just sound like philosophical bullshit I’ll let you know.

    1. Pen Post author

      Really? I only watch Netflix, not regular TV, and non of my FB friends have been talking about it. Of course, they’re all more Walking Dead and The Following-type fans. Lol.

      Love is a bitch. That’s pretty much what I’ve determined in my couple of deeper relationships previous to this disaster.

      But the issue is usually not really a matter of honestly, but more me thinking of all the possible ways it could go wrong and psyching myself out so I just would rather run the other direction.

      The only long-term relationship I’ve had lasted simply because I didn’t think about the future and lived only in the present. But I was much younger and didn’t give a shit about savings, IRAs, buying a house, having a family, maintaining a nice job, etc. I can’t just live entirely in the present these days.

      Perhaps there is some happy medium I can discover where I don’t over-think about the future.

      Your essay was lengthy, but sweet. I appreciate your viewpoint a lot. I was a bit surprised by it, but in a pleasant way.

      I would also love a non-philosophical bullshit answer 🙂

    1. Pen Post author

      That’s right! It was your post on it that made me want to check it out! Thanks for that- it was a perfect show to watch while I was sick 🙂
      I haven’t seen the 2nd or 3rd season yet though. Are those good? I’m excited to see what happens with Shosh and Ray.

      1. Pen Post author

        Haha. I’ll have to wait for Netflix. I don’t watch standard TV and I don’t even have cable/satellite.

        Let me know how it is though! 🙂

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