$1 Off Coupon

(Trigger warning- relapsed ED talk)

I never thought a dollar off coupon would trigger me and erase weeks of attempted recovery.

I get home after a long day at work.

I go through the mail.

There are the piles of coupons, as per usual.  I rarely use coupons, but I go through them anyway because my father taught me frugality.
There’s a brand of butter I use and I am almost out- set aside.  Dog food, but not the one Zoe likes- discard.

Then I see it.

One dollar off a brand of laxatives.

I stare at it.

I blink.

The walls crumble.  I think about how I ate lunch at work and I shouldn’t have.  I think about how I haven’t restricted that much at all lately.  I think about how I used the last of my laxatives weeks ago and why the hell didn’t I buy more?

But here’s a sign.  Here’s the universe telling me, in my father’s own “coupon language”, that I’m fat, I’m worthless, I’m disgusting.

How about some reduced price help with that?

Yes please.

14 thoughts on “$1 Off Coupon

  1. Mental Mama

    You’re stronger than this, you really are. You’re a wonderful, beautiful woman who deserves to be happy. Torturing your body with laxatives will not ultimately make you happy. Throw the fucking coupon away.

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      I’m not sure if I really am. I feel like this is some deeper directive to remind me to go back to how I was. I haven’t been very happy the past couple weeks. And I definitely have been feeling that loss of control.
      If I could just control some little bit of my life, I feel like I could stop feeling so mental and just be normal.

      Reply
      1. Mental Mama

        But you KNOW this isn’t a healthy way to exert control over your situation. Control how much exercise you get, how much liquid you drink in a day, what time you get up every morning – something CONstructive, not DEstructive.

      2. Mental Mama

        You might not care about it today, but what about tomorrow or next week? Wouldn’t you like to have a properly functioning body for awhile? A body that runs smoothly and doesn’t ache – imagine how awesome that could be.

      3. Pen Post author

        I’m sorry I’m being so bullheaded. I know I am. It’s been a rough day.

        Your determined support and thoughts mean a lot. Thank you so much for that ❤

    1. Pen Post author

      That’s the weird thing, I think I may be slipping mentally, but it feels like this epic SIGN. Like, the universe/world is reminding me that I’m too fat and ugly and need to get back into my routine.

      Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you for your thoughts Bourbon. I’ll try to remember that. It’s hard when I feel like the world it trying to tell me otherwise…

      Reply
  2. kate1975

    So sorry. Triggers suck so bad. You are none of those things that you thought you were. Triggers never make us think of the truths about ourselves, only the lies.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      I’m so utterly tired of lies- from myself and others. I just want to be done with it mostly.

      Thank you for your thoughts.

      Reply

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