I officially have valid health insurance as of Friday. 

I just got the cards in the mail.  It’s so strange to have glossy nice looking cards with my name on them.  I’ve mostly been on a parent’s plan before this.  Or I had an HSA (health savings account), which works a bit differently.

Anyway, my point in this post is I’m debating on whether to talk more in depth to my doctor about my recent mental-health struggles.

She’s slightly aware of them and has prescribed me stuff in the past when I’ve been bad.  I think I may be tilting towards bad again.  But I think meds might not necessarily be the right course this time.

I’m actually debating on that whole psychology/therapist route. 

Which is terrifying.  But I don’t think I can keep living like this.  I think with my GP behind me, a rare medical person I trust, I may be able to actually track down someone who could work for me.

I just don’t think I can keep going with the ED picking and cackling at me, the disassociation rearing up, and the depression moaning in the background.

I want help.  I just don’t want shitty back-sliding help like last time.

I’m also terrified that someone I know will find out and I’ll be judged.

I’m thinking of talking to Texas about it tomorrow night.  I’m supposed to drive her to get another tattoo (her, not me).

I just don’t know what to do.

But I know I can’t keep doing what I’m doing now and live.

22 thoughts on “Debating

  1. vwoopvwoop

    hooray for health insurance! that’s fantastic news! 🙂

    sorry to hear you may be headed for another bad time but proud of you for being able to recognize it early on. i’ve had so many mixed experiences with “professionals” in the mental health field i wouldn’t dream of giving you advice. i do know that the level of actual help depends directly on the person you’re working with. good luck in figuring out this whole thing, i hope there are some fantastic professionals where you live. 🙂

    1. Pen Post author

      Me too.
      At least I have a GP that recognizes the delicacy of my situation and my issues with the whole psych area of medicine. She was more furious than I to find out I’d been committed to a psych ward without any notice given to her.

  2. Mooselicker

    You’re debating whether or not you should get help. When you can get help you should always take it. As someone who hasn’t had health insurance in….how long has Obama been president? (I’m not blaming Obama or anything he’s just a good indication because I finished up school then)

    Get help wherever you can get it for sure.

    1. Pen Post author

      It was extremely difficult to be without insurance.

      But I don’t want to stumble across the sort of therapist who’ll recommend commitment. Or suggests that my father “just loves me too much to show it”. So far I’ve not found different.

      Of course, obviously I never will if I don’t look.

      1. Mooselicker

        I don’t think therapists are specifically ever supposed to help. My mom saw a countless amount and it never fixed her, but it did help. Therapists give you a place to get the feelings out. Unfortunately the image of what they’re supposed to do is different. Whatever you decide I hope it works out.

      2. Pen Post author

        …now I’m confused. You say they aren’t supposed to help, but they did help your mom? I think perhaps there was some misleading word usage there 🙂

        I do agree that mental-health support is never a matter of “fixing” but more a matter of finding the right coping ability and techniques. I know that’s what I lack. All of my issues and disorders stem from inappropriate coping techniques because I was never taught or learn healthy ones as a child.

        I know how therapy is *supposed* to work and what happens when it goes right. I’ve read the success stories, many through the connections on this blog.

        I just think my extremely conservative town tends towards the more stigmatized view of mental-health/illness and the first choice is always medicating or institutionalizing.
        That’s what I will do anything to avoid- even suffer with my issues silently. Because that viewpoint is not helpful or healing at all.

        I’m not trying to sass you. I do appreciate your sharing and your support. I’m just trying to explain why I’m so wary to just go running to every psychologist/therapist in my area “just to see”.

      3. Mooselicker

        What I meant was they helped her but as soon as she didn’t have them it was like she was back to the beginning. Does that make more sense? She was completely dependent on them.

        I hear what you’re saying about your weariness. A school counselor who had only talked to me twice in 3 years suggested I see a psychologist/therapist and ever since I’ve had my own doubts about what they can do. I would never take a pill to help with my issues because I’ve seen how they change a person for the worse. I’m sure they do help some people, but for me it’s I guess a personal vendetta?

        I still think the best help for anything is to be open about it. Easier said than done I know. There are still certain things I can’t admit to myself or openly. I hope you find something to help you realize what a wonderful person you already are 🙂

      4. Pen Post author

        Aw, you’re sweet. I really appreciate your encouragement.

        The good news is this blog has done more than anything I ever tried in the past.
        I just feel like I’ve reached that limit and I’m worried about slipping back to where I was when I first started it (don’t go back and read those entries- they’re awful and dark). I don’t want to go back there. I’ve lit that candle in the dark and I don’t want it to be snuffed out.

        I shall certainly be wary in my search, but who knows, perhaps I will get some of that luck that brought me to my lovely GP after years of shitty shitty doctors.

        I wonder if it’s my area. My friends complain of shitty doctors constantly too. I think most of the good doctors move away 😉

        Must be all the meth and crack.

      5. Mooselicker

        No problem! And I’m way too lazy to read anything older than this week so don’t worry. Mental health has always been important to me since I’ve had my own issues as have many people around me. Any little bit I can help someone else makes me happy 🙂

        But not really happy because I’m incapable of feeling true happiness due to an undiagnosed chemical imbalance which I’m sure I have because it’s hereditary and I exhibit many of the signs and symptoms so maybe happy wasn’t the correct word to use and I should have said something more like….nah it makes me a little happy to help out others.

  3. hsears5

    I have a good friend who struggles with some issues — completely separate from yours but he has dealt with depression. He started meeting with a therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist and as a guy that didn’t tell his roommates he broke up with his girlfriend for 2 weeks I imagine sharing personal details with a stranger was not easy for him. But he seems to be doing really well (combined with medication) and he’s noticeably more open about things. I have no real personal experience and I definitely don’t want to diminish the bad experiences you’ve had in the past, but sometimes it helps just to have someone to talk to, that is a professional. Definitely find the right person that you can trust. Wishing you the best in your decision

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you very much for sharing. I like hearing the positive therapy experiences. It reminds me that they exist 🙂

      That was extremely brave of your friend to make that leap of faith too. That’s the part I have the hardest time with. My first appointment almost always entails a lot of awkward silence because I don’t want to be the first to “open the can of worms” 😉

      1. Wander

        I feel like therapy is a very scary thing even if you don’t have a very big “can of worms.” but once you leap hopefully it’s all worth it! I’m sure if your GP can recommend someone or if you can find someone that specializes in some of the areas where you have difficulty then it has a very good chance of being a positive experience!

      2. Pen Post author

        You’re so wonderfully positive 🙂 Thank you muchly. I’m sure some of that positive energy will help me out!

  4. donofalltrades

    That’s what those people are there for so I vote you go and talk to somebody. You’ll know right away if the person you’re meeting with will help you or not. Just talking to somebody has to be helpful. If you hate it, get up and leave?

    1. Pen Post author

      Hopefully I’ll know right away. I’ve been fooled in the past for multiple visits before seeing them for who they truly are.
      But I consider myself wiser now. Or at least more observant 😉

  5. Bourbon

    Good for you Pen! The best thing is you will be in control and you can therapist shop. You can be as fussy as you need to be. Let me know if I can help if any way xx

    1. Pen Post author

      Maybe tips on any questions or behavior you’ve noticed in therapists early on that led you to realize they weren’t good for you? Just because we have some similar disorders, I think you might understand the direction I’m hoping to go.

      Maybe I’ll get lucky and discover someone at least half as lovely as Cat 🙂

      ❤ ❤ ❤

  6. kate1975


    I’m glad that you have your insurance card. That is so great. There is bad therapy out there and bad therapists and the wrong kind of therapy can be as bad as bad therapy, but good therapy, a good fit with someone is great and potentially very healing. A big part of starting with someone new is figuring out how trustworthy they are and them showing how trustworthy they are and then in combination sharing and building more trust together through communication. Just doing that can be very healing. Good for you for exploring this.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


  7. Lauren

    Hi Pen,

    I think sharing your thoughts with a therapist who is open and non-judgmental is a wonderfully liberating thing to do. I have had therapy on and off during my life and if I could afford it – I would hope to always have it. I love being able to just fully express myself to someone who is there to support me no matter what and that can’t let me down.

    But at the end of the day – you have to do what feels right for you – not follow anyone else’s advice. I wish you all the best and give yourself a pat on the back – because you are already on an amazing path by expressing your struggle on here, that’s a beautiful thing to do – and you are helping others with their own pain.

    A big hug,


    1. Pen Post author

      Those are some very kind words. Thank you very much. It’s always surprising but lovely to find out how much my blog impacts others.

      I appreciate you sharing about your experiences. I’ll keep that in mind and see if I can dig out that bravery.

      Warm thoughts to you.


Please share your thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s