Is it me?

Slight trigger warning: brief mention of sex, but only in a vague sense

________________________________________________________

Army couldn’t perform the other night.  You know, perform

I don’t know why.  He wouldn’t elaborate.  We’ve only had this problem once before in our entire on and off again relationship and that time he explained in detail about his issues (which aren’t important at this time, so I won’t expand on that).  He was also strangely distant.

I think it’s me.

I’m worried I’ve gained weight, though I’ve been trying so hard to be good and not.  I guess I haven’t gone up any clothing sizes and my friends and family remind me think about that when I start thinking in a non-logical fashion.  So if I’ve gained weight, it must be not enough to cause me to go up in any sizes.

But obviously something’s changed.  I must be doing something wrong.

It’s sort of funny though because though on one level, I’m upset and confused and concerned, mainly I just don’t give a damn.  I don’t think I’m all that attached this relationship, even though I sometimes try to convince myself otherwise.

I mean, Army is a good friend.  But I just don’t feel any magical chemistry like I used to or like my friends talk about with their significant partners.  I mean, I enjoy the sex, I enjoy spending time with him, sometimes I like how he makes me feel.  However, there’s no craving anymore, there’s no dwelling on him when he’s not there.

Again, I think it’s me.  I think it’s that depression catching up to me and trying to kill my romance.  Not my libido, which is crazy healthy still.  But it’s like if the possibility isn’t right in front of me, I only sort of “itch” in a general sense.  Like “Hm. I could really go for sex right now”, not “Man I wish Army was here”.  I don’t think that much at all anymore.  Most of the time I can’t kick him out of my apartment fast enough after we’ve finished.  He’s the one who’s wanted to stay and cuddle.  I feel like such a boy.
But even the other night he wasn’t cuddly.  I don’t even really know why he came over.  I didn’t ask him, he asked me.  Was it just to throw my own unattractiveness in my face?

Thank you, I’m well-aware of it already.

I’ve buried that desire for actual romance down so deep that I don’t fantasize about it anymore.  Except when certain songs come on the radio or my iPod.

Then it’s hard not to cry.

I don’t understand why I can’t handle anything beyond a casual, secretive physical relationship.  I want to.  I want to so much.  But I just wreck it every goddamn time.

I just want the punishment to end.

10 thoughts on “Is it me?

  1. Mental Mama

    Having been exactly there and lived through it I can tell you that 99.9999999% of the time it’s not us, it’s them. Something they ate, something worrying their tiny minds, you name it – but damn near NEVER is it actually us. However, it always feels like our fault. If I was skinnier, prettier, smarter, etc etc etc ad nauseum. But it’s not us. Repeat after me – “his limp dick is not my fault.”

    Reply
      1. Pen Post author

        Aw. I’m sorry. It was awful for me just the two times. I can’t imagine dealing with it constantly. Warm thoughts ❤

  2. donofalltrades

    Hang in there. As a virile Italian gentleman, I’ve never had that problem of course, 😉 but I assure you, it’s not you. It’s never the woman’s fault, it’s something with the dude, always.

    Reply
  3. kat

    i dont know that theres an answer for this. i missed my my ex so much for most of our marriage. toward the end tho, all i wanted was sex–not romance, love. and then after that, i dont even care about sex anymore. i mean, i suppose if it fell in my lap, id do it and itd be ok. but i dont even care anymore at all. i dont know if its my meds, my depression, my bipolar being stabilized to the point of emotional castration, or my DID.

    But whatever the reason, that is just where you are now. either you can accept that, or if its not ok with you to be that way, maybe talk in therapy about it, get to the root of it so you can not be stuck there. but no matter what, you are ok–its just where you are right now.

    Reply
  4. kat

    Sorry, i hit send too soon—no matter where you are, army’s problems are just that–army’s. they are not yours, and its not you–its him, whatever is going on with him.

    Reply
  5. kate1975

    Listen, I can’t imagine any guy going through that and thinking yeah it’s her fault. Except an abuser. Guys’ minds don’t work like that. It’s mechanical not chemical. The guy is into the chemical attraction, he just can’t get the mechanics of the endeavor to work.

    When it doesn’t happen, when he can have sex, do you think yeah that was all me, I take all the credit, I am one damn hot sexy woman. Probably not right? So, why are you taking all the blame for something that only rarely happens and is negative instead of taking all the credit when someone else wants to and does get sexual with you? Why doesn’t that say something hot and sexy about you?

    Maybe you are moving beyond being with him and that is okay?

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    Reply

Please share your thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s