Triggers of pregnancy

I knew this would happen.

I mean, that I would eventually be triggered.

I didn’t expect it to be in this way….


So of course I have to tell Army about Zoe being pregnant.  I mean, not only is he like- lets say a godfather to her, but he’s over at my place occasionally.  He’s gonna notice at some point.

I expected him to be annoyed at me for not keeping a better eye on Zoe.

He was not.

He is ecstatic.  He is begging me to contact him the moment I know she’s in labor so he can be there.  He wants to help her as much as possible.

Everything just….just the complete opposite of how he responded to me a year and a half ago.

So now I mean less than a dog.  And puppies are much more important than a-


I won’t say it.

If I don’t say it, then it isn’t real.

I feel that fracturing and I don’t want it.  I can’t have it.

splits and cracks and bones and blood and lets hurt him- lets maim him.  like he maimed us.  have the blood and the pain and the hurt-

I have too much to do.  I have to work on getting a car.  I have to keep things afloat at work-

Has she told you how work is going?  I am doing my best to keep things from falling apart, but the program is going badly and turnover is decreasing exponentially.  There is a high chance that I will have to shoulder the blame.  Despite it not being remotely my fault.  I may end up being fired.  I cannot be fired.  I do not get fired.  I am good at my job.  I am an excellent multi-tasker with exceptional attention to detail.  I am highly motivated by deadlines and task lists-

I don’t want to fracture.  I don’t want to start losing time again.  I just want to be normal.

But I don’t want to listen to him coo and smile over her.  I don’t want to hear that.  I don’t want to watch it.  I can’t.  I can’t.  I can’t.

Don’t worry.  You won’t have to.

16 thoughts on “Triggers of pregnancy

  1. Bourbon

    I’m sorry that is really a terrible thing to have to deal with – the memories it brings back of how he reacted with you and so unfairly he did so. Perhaps it’s best he stays away and isn’t invited during labour huh. Thinking of you xx

    1. Pen Post author

      He will be so upset if he isn’t allowed to be around. It’ll insult him not only personally, but medically. I’m not sure. I dunno what to do. I want to be safe, but I don’t want to alienate one of the few people I still socialize with. If I’m completely alone again….I think I’ll go even more mental.
      Thanks for your thoughts ❤

  2. vwoopvwoop

    first of all, *safe hugs.* i was concerned you would get triggered in some way over this situation, and i suppose the silly thing i did was to play the denial card and hope for it not to. the truth is, this is a really triggering situation, and whether it’s a happy occasion or a sad one has very little to do with whether something is triggering.

    army has acted appallingly. i am very angry with him for hurting you. he may not make the connection but that is only because he is not thinking of you. it is very painful to be overlooked and even more painful to see him react with more love and devotion to a(n admittedly lovely) dog than he showed to you. it just plain hurts, it hurts from as far away as i am reading this, and i can feel only a small amount of how much it must hurt you. i’m so sorry, pen. i know he is your friend and you care for him but this is entirely thoughtless of him and if i were nearby, i would have trouble convincing myself not to traipse over to his house, knock on his door, and subsequently yell at him over how insensitive, ignorant, and harmful he has been to you in this instance.

    it is interesting that in response to bourbon’s comment you said that it would upset him if he were not allowed to be a part of the process. well pen, that is undoubtedly true, but in that simple statement alone you have demonstrated that you want to take care of his feelings, that you are aware of his sentiments on the subject, that you care about him — exactly the OPPOSITE to what he exhibited in his over-eager reaction to zoe’s pups. you care about him enough to try and save his feelings, he on the other hand, did not even consider yours. in this instance my dear you are already a better friend to him than he is being to you. i won’t give you any advice because you didn’t ask for it, but i would like for you to be able to see that your feelings are worth his time, he has been insensitive, and there is little you could do in this situation with him to be perceived as “the bad guy.”

    my concern is your mental/emotional state, and that you feel respected and loved. my concern is not whether or not he gets his feelings hurt; to be completely honest he *should* get his feelings hurt over this because when he realizes that he hurt you he should feel absolutely awful about it. i think his reaction is sufficient to make him get his feelings hurt *by realizing what a jerk he has been.*

    i know you’re scared of fracturing. i would hate to see you suffer more. i hope you can all support each other through this painful experience. we care about you and are sorry to hear that you are in pain. ❤

    1. Pen Post author

      I had a feeling triggering would be happening too. I could tell when one of my reactions was “why does her body not reject life?”. Which is completely not fair to Zoe. She is darling and I love her with all my heart.

      I do see what you mean about Army. I truly do. But I can’t make myself understand, ponder, or respond. It’s like a block. I don’t know how to handle it and I sure hope it goes away soon so I *can* handle it.

      I do really adore you for taking the time to spell it out so clearly, though delicately.

      And I always love hugs from you. Doing my best to hang in there.

      1. vwoopvwoop

        *more hugs* ❤

        he's not a bad person, but he is being thoughtless. i hope you can at least take some time away from him to get your thoughts together. ❤

  3. kate1975

    I’m so sorry. Your trigger reactions are totally understandable. The sharp contrast between his actions then and now are bound to be connected in your mind. I’m so sorry he is oblivious to how that would affect you.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you. Unfortunately, he’s an oblvious sort of person. Normally I like this. But this time…it just feels like punishment.
      I’m doing my best though.

    1. Pen Post author

      Eh. Not really. My former pregnancy is a biiiiiig taboo conversation for him. But I’m hoping to muddle through.
      Thank you for your thoughts.

  4. mj2013

    I just spent some time reading different parts of your blog and I have to say that no matter what you, any of you, think, you are all amazing, as a package. The writing you include here (whether written by Claire or anyone else) is a sign of your inner strength and ability to keep going through these tougher times. I hope that you recognize that every episode that is triggered by something (for me, depression/trichotillomania/anxiety) is often another small step forward because I know these things. (1) I cannot fix it all, a lot of “it” will be with me for life (2) This is okay because I have survived the really bad lows, and even when it gets low again, I remember that it did get better, so I find some strength to hang on. (3) There are people here (in the blogosphere) whose support and comments are worth something more than the live people sitting next to you. It is unfortunate that those who know our names cannot seem to help as much as strangers. And (4) Animals are the best at helping us heal. I would not be here today if it were not for the animals I have loved and will love in the future (no, not in a freaky way!). Wishing you and the puppies great joy.

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you for all your kind and supportive words. You sound like a lovely person and I’m flattered you took the time to read my lil’ corner of the blogsphere.

      You are completely right- the support I received from commenters on my blog are some of the most meaningful words I’ve read over the past year. I hope to continue to have this beautiful bond with fellow blog-friends.

      And please, feel free to stick around 🙂 I shall certainly be popping over to your corner and peeking around.


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