Trigger warning for sex/BDSM/abuse talk

Somehow in all our teasing, flirting lighthearted talking last night, Army convinced me to text him a picture of me in stockings with garters.

I’ve never done such a thing before.

I’m sure that seems surprising, with Charlotte’s sexual nature.  I’m not 100% sure that she’s never slipped out a risque pic to some stranger that meant nothing but pure sex, but I can say pretty confidently that I’ve never sent such pictures to anyone who meant anything to us.

I was nervous about it, and to his credit, he wasn’t being pushy.  It was that gentle sort of prodding that got me to finally gather up some of that elusive courage and manage something relatively sexy.

It was pretty much just my legs crossed in stockings with the garters peeking at the top.  No face, nothing X-rated.  Just in case it were to find it’s way into the public eye.

And I still worried.  Something tugged at the corner of my mind.

My fingers moved on their own.

“Just yours, right?”

He texted back almost immediately.

“Only mine. No sharing.”

My brain seemed to explode.

Voices started screaming at me.

Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. No sharing. No one else. No touching. Mine.

A cascade of memories of Katherine’s games of possession and branding wash over me.

I touch my left hip nervously.  The scar is very faint now.  That means I’m no longer branded, right?  I don’t belong to her.  I’m not breaking it.  Not violating the pact.

She violated it first.

But she was never marked.  She could do as she pleased.

Only me.

I am the property.  I am the girl.  I am the claimed.

I am nothing.

16 thoughts on “Possession

    1. Pen Post author

      I’m trying to remind them of that. It doesn’t seem to be easily getting through. Feeling very fractured and worried about the bits that want to punish me for forgetting…. 😦

  1. kat

    im so sorry for what has happened to you,what you went thru. im so sorry this gently sexy and loving moment was marred by these memories and that you were triggered. i hope you can separate the two, and not feel the past now with army. (((hugs)))

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you. I hate when I get triggered, especially when I’m trying something that’s positive I think. I get arguments as to whether it’s “safe”, but I didn’t feel like it wasn’t. I’m not sure.

  2. vwoopvwoop

    i’m not going to pretend i have good advice…all i can say is we had a katherine..though by a different name…and anyone who hasn’t had one won’t know what it feels like…to be separate from her but in some way always…hers…i’m sorry… no matter how they mark us, how much we agreed once upon a time, “yes, yours,” …they cannot own us. no one can own another person…they can try…and sometimes it seems like they’ve succeeded…but no soul is ever truly the property of another soul…

    we are free, even though sometimes we still feel the chains (they are an illusion).

    i’m sorry she made her presence known again…you belong to you, not to her (but i do know that pull, that ache, where reason does not reach)…<3


    1. Pen Post author

      I’m so happy someone understands so well. Yes. Like that. It’s so hard to explain without sounding depraved. In some ways we allowed it. It isn’t like she had to threaten us to keep us still for any of it. I craved it. Some cowered, I suppose. But not all.
      But now….now it just feels like a burden I know longer want to be reminded of.
      Yet some of us cannot shake it. Some of us don’t wish to shake it. Being possessed means that half the work is done for you. You don’t have to worry about yourself as much. It’s easier that way.
      Why did we let her toss us aside?

      1. vwoopvwoop

        people like katherine…like mona…derive power from tossing people aside and leaving them wanting, leaving them desperately in love (or whatever approximation that felt like love)…it’s a power game, not a romance…but it feels realer than anything tangible.

        maybe it felt (feels) like you were tossed aside…the truth (that doesn’t feel like truth sometimes, but is) is that you are free without her…though yes…sometimes being free of someone’s control and ownership…feels like the worst of punishments.

        you’re not alone in these feelings. i know they’re unhealthy, and i think you know it too. somehow the word “unhealthy” doesn’t feel the way people think it should. it doesn’t feel bad, when you’re in it. it feels like a warm blanket, a hug, a connection. it feels like those things…but it isn’t any of them. it’s not our fault, we were conditioned to need people in unhealthy ways…but we can learn, pen, we can feel the urge to reconnect and refuse it. maybe we won’t ever see things that are unhealthy the way that healthy people want us to see them…and vice versa…healthy things the way healthy people want us to see them (somehow even innocent things seem marred too…)

        but please don’t feel alone in this… ❤

      2. Pen Post author

        Don’t apologize. Your “rambling” helps me feel not so alone, which I think is very helpful for me right now.

        It’s hard to describe that clutching to the unhealthy, the subversive, to those who live in the world filled mostly with sunshine and rainbows. They don’t understand that there are things that muse be thought of, must be dwelled upon in order to avoid standing in the path of the lighting of the storm.

  3. kate1975

    As someone who went through a ritual abuse group as a young girl I can relate to what being owned and posssessed feels like and how upsetting it is to have to recall pieces of those experiences. I’m so sorry.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


    1. Pen Post author

      I’m sorry you went through that.
      What Katherine did I would not call ritual abuse and I was over the age of 17, so I think the mindset was vastly different, but I can imagine that any sort of “owning” and “possessing” abuse is damaging in its own right.
      Lots of warm and healing thoughts. And much thanks for your kind words.

      1. kate1975

        The basic components, I believe, are the same. Which is what I was trying to communicate, sorry if I was unclear. Good and healing thoughts to you.


      2. Pen Post author

        You’re fine. I didn’t mean to say they were not comparable. Just that I think sexual abuse is vastly different when involving children as opposed to already sexually active adults (even if they are adults that were the victims of child sexual abuse). My memories/triggers/sensations in regard to what happened with Katherine and Uniballer are so very very different from the things that remind me of The Beginning.
        But I certainly didn’t mean to misunderstand or not take your lovely comment to heart. I meant that, for me, the two types/experiences are in very different parts of my brain/mind.
        But for others it obviously would not necessarily be the same.
        I apologize if I seemed rude.

    2. kate1975

      No you did not seem rude. I wanted to clarify because sometimes I am not as clear as I would have wanted to be after someone comments on what I wrote. No need to apologize.

      I understand what you are saying about them being from different parts of your brain. For us, it is not like that.

      It all feels and seems very similar, abuses in your childhood and in our adulthood, and sometimes we are not as clear about that as we think we are being, when we first posted the comment and feel the need for clarity. Sometimes we think we are coming off as talking about ourself and our own experiences, but we aren’t, what we are trying to communicate is a feeling of compassion and commonality. I hope that came across. Good and healing thoughts to you.



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