I tried to get support last night.
I tried to find a friend or family member to at least go out for coffee or something small just for a little bit.
Just so I wasn’t stuck in my own head trying to dodge the yells, curses, and accusations.
But no one wanted to. Everyone had better things to do.
I tried really hard.
But I can’t tell anyone why I really need to not be alone.
I don’t want to go back to the hospital. I don’t want to be in trouble. I don’t want to be a bad girl.
I don’t want to be alone.
But I was alone. All alone.
So I took some Tylenol PM and tried to sleep.
It didn’t go well. I just feel crazier this morning.
I’m not sure how long I can do this.
_____________________________________________________________
Edit: I’ve had some very lovely and sweet blog friends/supporters suggest the idea of emailing me to distract and cheer me up. I think it’s such a lovely idea. You guys do such a great job in the comments, but I feel like it always stops so abruptly after the reply.
If you feel so inclined (absolutely no pressure) to drop me a caring, funny, insightful thought or pictures, my email is kneargarder@gmail.com . Any distraction helps.
pen, paper, and crazy 
😦
(((Pen)))
I know virtual friends aren’t the same as IRL when it comes to these feelings, but you know where to find me.
Thanks. I may bravely post my email and ask that people just email me funny things or stories or bullshit or whatever. Just something to distract me from myself.
My blog friends are always the most supportive, but I feel like it ends once the comment is replied to….
Some of my best friends started out as virtual contacts, including a few I still have not “met”.
Anyway, I think I can get your email from where you have commented on my blog (since I am on a different hosting site) if you want me to send a test message.
I for one would be happy to email with you.
That’s very sweet of you 🙂 I welcome it. My email is kneargarder@gmail.com
Hopefully it shows up okay…
One day at a time Pen. One moment at a time if you can’t. I’m thinking of you in real life…just wish I could do more.
Thanks. Doing that whole moment by moment thing as best I can…
❤ ❤
Hang in there honey. Email me if you want to and I’ll be here for you as best I can.
❤ ❤
I wish I could meet you for a stroll or something, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. But I’m definitely gonna drop you a line soon! Please be safe! How are Zoe and the pups?
Thanks. Zoe’s become a bit distant with the puppies. Hopefully it’s temporary. I’m not sure why.
Oh I’m sorry! I’ve been a grandma before and I’ve seen it happening too. In my experience it indeed hasn’t lasted, so I wouldn’t worry too much. Thinking of you dear, sending you warm vibes. xx
She still seems to totter over there to feed them enough. I think it’s okay. She just wants to nap away from them now. Part of it could be it’s been like, 70 degrees here the past couple days. Puppy piles are hot.
oh that hurts my heart, love, that you reached out and didn’t get the support you needed. you are not a bad girl, not at all, not even when you have days where you need some help, love, and attention. i know maybe you are too sad to believe me right now, but i know you are not a bad girl. pen, you are my friend, and i feel sad when anyone says or thinks hurtful untrue things about my friends, like this idea that you are (or could be) a bad girl. you are pen, and i care about you exactly the same amount on happy days and sad days.
we will write to you. 🙂 you are not alone. ❤
You are lovely, as always ❤
been there, done that, and will surely do it again. email anytime.
I will try to write you an email tonight. I wanted to let you know that you can write to me any time that you want and I always reply. I have started writing emails to blog friends in the last three months myself and they help fill my day. Not having others to be with is hard for me too. Sorry you are going through so much.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate