A scattered weekend.

I spent some of it with Texas and a chunk of it with Army.  The distraction of friends was nice.

But I am worried about the direction of things.  Like I always am when things get too intimate.  I want to skitter back.  I want to run.  I want to bolt.

Army’s roommates are moving to Connecticut.  They’re giving him a little over 2 months to find a new place.

And he asked me to move with him.

Technically my lease isn’t up at that time, but there have been such fuckups made by the landlord/property management that I can easily get out of this lease whenever I want with some legal magic dancing.  And Army knows this.

He says he wants us to get a house.

Half of my head lights up with blaring neon sirens.

The other half murmurs dreamily as images of a backyard and bigger kitchen spin lazily around.

I think about before.  He swears the issues I had with him have all changed.  I think about the good aspects.  I miss them.

But I don’t think I deserve to play house.  With anyone.  I don’t deserve a healthy relationship.


I thought about Jeff a lot this weekend.  I’m not sure why.  Texas mentioned something to me that had me worried about him.  I know I fucked things up.  I know I don’t deserve to even be around him.
And I know that I can’t be anything close to what he needs.

But before we tried (and I destroyed) that whole romantic possibility, we were friends.  For almost a decade.  And close friends for the last four years.

I miss him.

I miss having someone I could just be honest with.  I know it completely blew up in my face (and my mind tells me never ever to trust to that degree again), but I can’t help but push that fact aside.

I just want to make sure he’s all right.  And that things are good with him.  He deserves that.

All I cause is pain.

I don’t want to cause that anymore.


There’s blood in my mouth ’cause I’ve been biting my tongue all week.
I keep on talking trash, but I never say anything.

And the talking leads to touching,
And the touching leads to sex,
And then there is no mystery left.

And it’s bad news, baby I’m bad news
I’m just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know I’m alone if I’m with or without you,
But just being around you offers me another form of relief
When the loneliness leads to bad dreams,
And the bad dreams lead me to calling you,
And I call you and say “C’mere!”

And it’s bad news, baby I’m bad news
I’m just bad news, bad news, bad news

And it’s bad news, baby it’s bad news
It’s just bad news, bad news, bad news
‘Cause you’re just damage control
For a walking corpse like me,
Like you,
‘Cause we’ll all be portions for foxes.
Yeah, we’ll all be portions for foxes.

There’s a pretty young thing in front of you
And she’s real pretty, and she’s real into you
And then she’s sleepin’ inside of you.

And the talking leads to touching,
then the touching leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left.

And it’s bad news. I don’t blame you,
I do the same thing. I get lonely too.
And you’re bad news; my friends tell me to leave you,
That you’re bad news, bad news, bad news

You’re bad news, baby you’re bad news
And you’re bad news, baby you’re bad news

And you’re bad news
I don’t care, I like you
And you’re bad news
I don’t care, I like you
I like you

-Portions for Foxes by Rilo Kiley

16 thoughts on “Scattered

      1. Mental Mama

        I’m all for second chances, but that’s just me. I’d guess you’re both probably slightly different people this time around, and that may help quite a bit. If I’m allowed to levy a vote, I’d vote for going for it. Doesn’t seem as though there’s a whole lot to lose, and quite a bit to gain.

      2. Pen Post author

        Haha. Of course you’re allowed a vote 🙂 I appreciate your level-headed opinion.

        I do really want to go back to living in a house. I miss that so so much.

      3. Mental Mama

        If it would make you feel really better, make yourself a Pros and Cons sheet. All the really good stuff about living with Army on one side, all the not good stuff on the other. But then take it a step further – do the pros of not living with him and the cons of living on your own. It ends up being a 4 box grid thing. Totally a DBT skill and actually a very practical one.

      4. Pen Post author

        Hm. Perhaps. I was planning on doing a simple pro-con list. Quadrants might be a bit too much for me. I’ll see.
        Thanks for the suggestion.

      5. Mental Mama

        I don’t always do the quadrants myself, it just sometimes puts another spin on the situation.

        Always happy to help. Can’t keep my own shit together, but maybe I can help someone else with theirs. 🙂

  1. kate1975

    You so deserve to be happy and to be with someone who treats you good all the time and you are not “bad news, baby.”

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


    1. Pen Post author

      I have fallen in love with Boggle. Thank you so much for introducing us 🙂

      Hopefully the list will help my mind be less scattered about possibilities.

      Thank you ❤


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