I’m so very tired of being hospitalized every couple weeks.

This is ridiculous.

I was just released late yesterday from my fifth ER visit in less than three years.

All related to this ridiculous hypertension that does not respond to treatment.

I had a coworker drive me from work on Tuesday because I was having chest pain and my BP was 204/167.  The ER admitted immediately and did a good job to quickly rule out a heart attack or stroke.

From there, they played with the idea of a clot for awhile (blood screening showed that possibility).  But when my contrast CT scan showed nada, they sort of gave up. 

Technically they admitted me onto the floor for overnight observation, but that was only to give me a couple doses of IV blood pressure meds to bring down my points.  It did help.  The IV meds always do.  But I can’t take those at home.  The doctors ran a bunch of tests.  I was prodded, poked, pricked, etc.  I was very very disassociated pretty much the whole time.

A flicker happened when Army actually came and visited me.  We’d actually been a bit in contact via text because I just instinctively contacted him when I didn’t know how to respond to strange chest pain (I’m an idiot, I acknowledge that).

He’s never visited me in the hospital.  He stayed for a couple hours and despite sassing the nurse, it was nice.  He tried to take over for a guy who was running an EKG because he saw me immediately withdraw and disassociate when the EKG guy lifted up my hospital gown to attach the leads.  If I’d spoken up, they would have let him (he was wearing his EMT uniform), but I was too far gone by that time.

I don’t remember a lot of it.  There was a lot of pain, nausea, and dizziness. 

My father didn’t even bother visiting me.  Then he was offended when I didn’t call him first when I got my discharge paperwork.

But the doctors are still stymied.  Well.  Not stymied.  Apathetic.

Doctors: We think you perhaps just have crazy high blood pressure.

To which I (well, Charlotte) responded with annoyance:  So you’ve seen other similar cases of a female in her mid-twenties who does not smoke, take birth control, regularly exercises, has a normal BMI index, no family history of high blood pressure or heart disease, doesn’t eat fast food, is relatively good about taking her medications, be hospitalize multiple times a year for extreme hypertension crisis or related matters?

Doctors:  Uhh…well…no.  But sometimes there just isn’t an underlying cause.

Fucking doctors.


That’s why I’ve been quiet.  I’m discharged as of yesterday.  Feeling shitty still.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I just wasn’t meant to live.  My body seems to be telling me that.

11 thoughts on “Hospitalized

  1. Mental Mama

    Don’t give up yet, there’s bound to be an answer for all of this. Have you found a regular GP yet? Perhaps it’s time to visit with a regular doc and see if she can help you figure out what’s going on. Sending good vibes your way. Being in the hospital is always traumatic.

    1. Pen Post author

      Nope. My health insurance is shit and causing all sorts of issues. I just got a call from the hospital earlier today saying that my insurance basically refuses to cover 90% of my stay.

  2. Wanderer

    Hugs and prayers for healing to you! I have an irrational distaste for doctors that partially stems from several faulty diagnosis of things in the past. I know you really struggle with doctors and the hospital is never a happy place to be. Hope things begin looking up and that you find a good GP or at least some good answers!

  3. Grainne

    Oh 😦 I’m sorry you’re going through that. I can relate, only with pain and not high blood pressure. I’m so glad I live in Canada…I was tested for pretty much everything they could think of and the province pays the bill. That said, it took me four solid years of making noise to get an actual diagnosis.

    I hope they can figure your issues out. You don’t do any of the things that usually cause high bp, as you said, so there must be an underlying cause. 20-something don’t have strokes/heart attacks. It’s so hard when you have to take your health into your own hands, I know. (Hugs you).

    1. Pen Post author

      Yeah. One of my biggest issues with this health search is that I am not made of money.

      Thanks for the hugs.

      I’m glad you finally got some answers for you. That’s helpful to know. I’ll be satisfied if I can just have another GP that actually dispenses meds that work for me.

    1. Pen Post author

      Nope. In my head I like to imagine some elaborate thriller movie plot where she was blackmailed into hiding and will not be able to emerge until after the good guy manages to bring the horrible blackmailer to justice.

      Or she’s just in the middle of switching practices. I dunno.

  4. vwoopvwoop

    oh no. 😦 darling this is so stressful and upsetting, i’m so so sorry. i can’t remember if you’re on any anti-anxiety meds? and i don’t know the difference between hypertension and a panic attack but i’ve have my share of the latter and they always feel like heart attacks (as opposed to anxiety attacks which are of the more crying, hyperventilating nature). just sudden inexplicable heart pain or palpitations and at least for me they often happened at completely incongruent times — when i didn’t think i was stressed. i’m sorry if i’m just being dense, have panic attacks been ruled out? i’ve heard plenty of stories from people about going to the ER and having doctors just unable to identify what’s wrong when the culprit is panic attacks (my own stories among them!). i am certainly not suggesting i know better than doctors, but has this cause been considered?

    *lots of safe hugs and puppy cuddles*

    1. Pen Post author

      I’m not on any anxiety pills. I did wonder about panic attacks, as one of my friends had one of those and it mimicked a heart attack.
      However, no one in the hospital suggested that. They think it had to do with my heart working so hard to pump blood since my blood pressure was so high (206/164) and it was causing pain. I dunno. Doctors are jerks pretty much.

      Thank you for your thoughts ❤ ❤


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