Wishes about Dad

I lied.  I do sort of have something to say.

I wish my dad was more like this dad or this great-with-acronyms-dad.

The ED is rampant today.  With my birthday being this weekend and a huge bash at a local drive-in movie theater being planned by Texas, I’m feeling fat, ugly, and just….awful.  I just want to not touch food until after Saturday night.

But I know I can’t do that and still keep this struggle a secret.  I have so many social events over the next 4 days.  And birthday dinners with various relatives.

I’m trying not to go crazy.

But it’s hard.

I just wish I had someone to be my rock, my raft, my life vest.

Well.  I wish my father would.  That he could even consider it.
I don’t understand why I try so hard to be a Daddy’ Girl, even though I know it will never happen.  But I always try.

I try to be that daughter he can be proud of.

And that’s why this must remain a secret.

10 thoughts on “Wishes about Dad

  1. Wanderer

    My heart is breaking for you, dear Pen. I’m sorry that you feel so alone and that your father is not supportive. I, too, wish you had a father like the one in those posts. But hopefully you will realize as your birthday celebrations ensue (happy birthday, by the way!) that there are many people in your life that care for you. They may not know all of your secrets or struggles, but they care about you anyway. Hopefully they make that clear as they shower you with love over the next few days.

    1. Pen Post author

      I do have some lovely friends, even if I don’t let them see my whole world. They do as best they can.
      I am a bit exited to see everyone at the drive-in this weekend. I shall try to focus on that 🙂

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you. Just knowing I’m heard is healing in itself. I’m sorry you can empathize though. I wouldn’t want that for any of my friends ❤

  2. vwoopvwoop

    the emptiness of parents that never loved us right is always there but i notice that i feel it most strongly when i see examples of other parents, ones who love their children enough (and somehow “enough” always seems like excess, imagining, we could be happy with a fraction of that much attention and love…we wouldn’t need much…just some). i get the sense this is what you’re saying, because though reading about those good dads is interesting and inspiring, it also highlights the lack in your own life and that just plain *hurts*. i’m sorry your dad is not what you need him to be. i’m sorry you’re hurting. i don’t want you to hurt yourself further with restriction but that isn’t my decision, i just want you to know that you matter and we care about you, how you feel, and what happens to you. ❤

    1. Pen Post author

      That is so true. I made that dumb mistake of surfing for ED blogs (as I do when feeling all triggered ED-wise….) and discovered these lovely fathers who wanted to stand up and FIGHT for their daughters. I don’t really want my father to necessarily fight. I just want him to hear and not be furious. That’s all I need. All I want. All I wish.

      Thank you for listening and understanding. As always, it makes me feel better. I just want that better feeling to last. ❤ ❤ ❤


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