Breaking a promise

(trigger warning for self-harm discussion)

I’m so very angry with myself.  And feeling remorse/regretful.

I broke my promise to myself last night.  I could go into which bit of me did and that it was an insider and not the “whole me”, but I feel like that’s just trying to dodge the blame.  It doesn’t matter “who” decided to do it.  It doesn’t matter.

I broke a promise.

It’s been three months since I’ve actually cut.  I’ve thought about it.  I’ve talked about doing it.  But I haven’t done it since I moved to my new place.

I’ve drank, I’ve self-medicated, and I’ve restricted.  But not cut.  Not that.  I promised myself I wouldn’t.  I promised my friends I wouldn’t.

Why can’t I just keep that one promise?  Why?  Three months is barely anything.  I feel so lost, so remorseful, so…

Sad.

I can’t wear shorts this weekend.  I’ll have to be sneaky with Army if we get intimate unless I want him to lecture me (again).

Mad.

The burn and sting of the freshly opened cuts feels so sickeningly good.  It shouldn’t.  I know it shouldn’t.  I hate that it does and I’m so mad that I would use that feeling to try and justify doing it.

Bad.

I just can’t win.  I thought the promise was something I valued.  I thought I (all of us) truly meant it.  I thought we could keep this new apartment free of that negative energy.

But blood has been spilled.  And blood stains.  It soaks in and ruins everything it touches.

I am worthless.

F-A-T

13 thoughts on “Breaking a promise

      1. Mental Mama

        I totally get that. Every time I promise myself the next thing Josh fucks up is the last and then I keep him I feel the same way.

  1. kat

    the important thing is not that you slipped, but that you set a goal and stayed to it for a long time. we all slip–and then we get back up and start again. slipping is a momentary thing, but continuing onward with a task is the real thing. so don’t look at the slip, look at the positive of the 3 months, and at the positive of the successful time yet to come. when a child learns to walk, they don’t just start walking and never fall. they take a small step, then fall. then get up and take 2 small steps. but the ‘fall’ is not the point, the continued movement forward is. and eventually, they they rarely fall (everyone still trips and falls occasionally in life). so, focus on the movement ahead, not on the fall.

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you. This means a lot. I’m going to do my best to try and get back on the horse, so to speak.

      Reply
    2. ClearlyWriting

      Kat is so right. 3 months was an achievement! Don’t forget that, and even one time like this is not a failure, it is just being human. The first time you kept your promise for 3 months, the next time it might be 3 months and 1 day, and the time after that, 3 months and 2 days. Add those times up? you will have accomplished a lot.

      Reply
  2. beadstork

    I wanted to push like, but I unlike your sadness. 😦 You know, everyone screws up. We just all have our special buttons that get pushed. You cut, and that’s not great, but I,am a shopping addict and I betray my sweet husband all the time by throwing money away and concealing it. I think our sadness is more about the betrayal and less about the behavior. Although certain behaviors are way destructive.

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      Most definitely. I am much more upset about breaking the promise than the actual action I did. Which seems sort of messed up when I think about it. Slashing words into my skin apparently is not as big a deal as doing it without my whole mind’s consent.

      Reply
  3. kate1975

    Okay I do not have this issue, but have had many survivor friends who have struggled with healing from this issue. So let me just say, three months is huge! Congratulations dear. This is huge. I understand what you are saying that you wanted to be free from this in your new place, that now you can’t be as free with your body while you are feeling as though you have to hide what happened, that you feel a number of emotions about what happened. Yes, but none of that takes away from your huge healing accomplishment. And you are right, you can just start again and work on it some more. You had three months and that is not something that disappears now, it is still there, the healing still happened, the benefits from that time are still there inside of you.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you for this. It’s startling to see people point out the accomplishment aspect. I never would have thought of it that way. But it is nice to hear that side of it as well.
      Warm thoughts ❤

      Reply

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