Fear

This was not intended to be a blog that talked a lot about “romance” constantly.  Or feelings about men. Especially Army.

I feel like I talk about him too much.  And my indecision too much.

But I have to get this down or it’ll continue buzzing about in my head.

Gods I sound like a 14 year-old.

He asked to come over last night because he needed support.  He’d just dealt with a suicidal coworker and patched her up from various things she refused to go to hospital for (I don’t want to divulge a bunch of info about a person I don’t even know, but basically she got attacked by her ex and her exes new partner).

My immediate reaction was panic.  I’m in a rough place myself, as you guys know.  And there’s the red F-A-T cuts staring up at me from the spot above my knee.

But Army’s never asked such a thing.  His texts got a bit ramble-y in going on about needing me.

I acquiescence, darted into the shower, then covered my thigh with the largest band-aid I could find- which thankfully just covered the marks.

I can’t really describe the night well in words.  I know I had this post earlier that got into him being more deeply romantic.  But that didn’t even touch on what happened last night.

It hit after our (first) round in bed.  I maneuvered so my back was facing him as I sorted through the shocked thoughts and voices in my head.
___

No no no no.  That is not the feeling I think it is.  No no no.

I think it is.

You do not love him.  No.  You are incapable of romantic love, remember?  That’s why he’s safe.  He doesn’t want that, he doesn’t try to bring that forth.

Well he did tonight.

I don’t know why he did that.  He shouldn’t have acted like that.  He’s supposed to be safe.  We need to run.  Run run run run.

I dunno if I want to.

Yes you do.  You always want to run.  You have to be in control.  We are the ones in control.  We can step back anytime, unscathed. 

I don’t think I can walk away unscathed now.

I don’t want you to walk.  I want you to run. Run run run.  Push him away.  Say those things you’re so good at saying.  Hurt, wound, kill.  Don’t fall.  Don’t fall.  Falling is for losers.  For the weak.  For suckers.  We are strong.  We’re too strong for this.

___

It’s at that very moment that he runs his fingers through my hair and kisses my temple in concern.
“Are you all right?” He asks and his tone is more deeply worried than I remember ever hearing.

I realize my cheeks are wet and that tears are slowly trailing down my face.

Great.  The crazy girl’s not only talking to herself, but making herself cry.  In front of an audience.

I glance up at him nervously, waiting for some accusation, ready to make an excuse.

His fingers smooth over my cheeks and he tilts his forehead against mine.

“That was intense, huh?  Feels more real now.  Serious.”  He pauses and his eyes reach down into my psyche and pull out the words to make everything crumble, “It isn’t just you.”

Run run run run run run run.  Far far far away.

I manage a slight smile and curl closer into his chest.

I feel like Cassandra; knowing the fall of Troy, but not being able to do anything to stop it.

___________________________________________________________________________

“Diggin’ a hole and the walls are caving in
Behind me,
Airs gettin’ thin but I’m trying,
I’m breathing in,
Come find me

It hasn’t felt like this before
It hasn’t felt like home…before you

And I know it’s easy to say, but it’s harder to feel this way,
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
I can’t get my mind off of you

I know you’re scared that I’ll soon be over it,
That’s part of it all,
Part of the beauty of falling in love with you,
Is the fear you won’t fall

It hasn’t felt like this before
It hasn’t felt like home…before you

And I know it’s easy to say, but it’s harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
I can’t get my mind off of you

And I hate the phone,
But I wish you’d call,
Thought being alone,
Was better than, was better than…

And I know it’s easy to say, but it’s harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
I can’t get my mind off of you.

Can’t get my mind off of you”

-Joshua Radin, “The Fear You Won’t Fall”

2 thoughts on “Fear

  1. Mental Mama

    Give up a little control, fall in love – you might like it. Much as I bitch about Josh, there are some really wonderful things about being in a solid relationship.

    Reply

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