I don’t why I’m so badly triggered. So badly. Badbadbadbad.
The message Grandma sent me is bad. I know that. But why should it affect me so much? I don’t know why I feel as if it’s a possibility of a parent dying. I think there’s a whole chunk of memory about my paternal grandparents I’m forgetting.
I just got told that my grandfather is possibly dying. Possibly. This is after my birthday card from them last week stated he was in the hospital with “heart trouble”. The message (via Facebook) said that he’s been released from the hospital but that they “don’t think he’s going to last much longer”.
What the hell does that mean? What am I supposed to do with that? Why would you tell me like that? Why in a fucking Facebook message? This is the man I spent a huge chunk of my childhood with. The only adult male in my family I love with my heart AND soul.
I knew there was a reason Chicago’s been calling to me. I need to go. I need to be there.
But I can’t. Stupid work. Stupid puppies. Stupid money. Stupid everything.
I just want to be there. I just want to go. Gogogogogogo.
I hate my life. I hate my responsibilities. I hate this. I hate hate hate it.
Why am I so weak?