Possibility of death

I don’t why I’m so badly triggered.  So badly. Badbadbadbad.

The message Grandma sent me is bad. I know that. But why should it affect me so much?  I don’t know why I feel as if it’s a possibility of a parent dying.  I think there’s a whole chunk of memory about my paternal grandparents I’m forgetting.


I just got told that my grandfather is possibly dying.  Possibly.  This is after my birthday card from them last week stated he was in the hospital with “heart trouble”.  The message (via Facebook) said that he’s been released from the hospital but that they “don’t think he’s going to last much longer”.


What the hell does that mean? What am I supposed to do with that?  Why would you tell me like that?  Why in a fucking Facebook message?  This is the man I spent a huge chunk of my childhood with.  The only adult male in my family I love with my heart AND soul.

I knew there was a reason Chicago’s been calling to me.  I need to go.  I need to be there.

But I can’t.  Stupid work.  Stupid puppies.  Stupid money.  Stupid everything.

I just want to be there.  I just want to go.  Gogogogogogo.

I hate my life.  I hate my responsibilities.  I hate this.  I hate hate hate it.

Why am I so weak?

11 thoughts on “Possibility of death

  1. Bourbon

    You are not weak 😦 You said it yourself your grandfather is very important to you and symbolises a lot about safe love. Of course you want to be there. Is there nothing that can be worked out so you can go for a visit? I’m so sorry 😦 xx

    1. Pen Post author

      I dunno. I might be able to do some sort of 3 day weekend thing. But it will have to wait until my two coworkers get back next week. I can’t go while we’re two people short in our already small department.

      1. Bourbon

        Yes you’re a very conscientious worker but sometimes I guess we just have to drop everything and run and be selfish for the first time in our lives. Your mind is calling you there and I think saying goodbye is more important than anything else right now.

  2. Grainne

    Oh Pen. I’m so sorry…I wish I could fix this for you somehow. I’d take the puppies, your job AND drive you there if I could. Take a deep breath. Maybe a way will present itself. (What a terrible way to find out…through facebook 😦 )

    1. Pen Post author

      Thanks. I may be able to have my mom watch the puppies if I can juggle some things at work. I dunno yet.

      1. Grainne

        There you go. That’s one idea. I hope things fall into place. I read that you are already short staffed at work but if there’s anyone in leadership with a heart, they’ll let you go.

        Family is more important than work. I need to remind myself of that all the time. 💓

        Be easy on yourself. Xx

  3. kat

    you will get it worked out. you can board the puppies, if you have to. you can take time off, even if they are short staffed–that is not your responsibility.

    i am sorry about your grandfather, and sorry for how this is affecting you.

    stay strong, and do what you need to do.

    1. Pen Post author

      Puppies are too young and without proper shots to be boarded, but I think my mother could watch them if needed.

      I’m seeing what I can do here at work though.

      Thank you for the thoughts ❤

  4. manyofus1980

    If we could, we’d look after your puppies. We cant though. I’m so sorry you may lose the only person you trust and who is safe for you…man at least. So very sorry Pen and all of you.

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you. That’s very sweet of you.

      It’s since been determined he isn’t as close as we thought. We’re going up Memorial Day weekend (last weekend in May here in the U.S.) and our mom is going to take care of the dogs.


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