Ups and Downs

Last night was a freakin’ roller coaster.

First of all, I had a lovely “Hump Day Dinner” with Texas and another girl friend of mine that I rarely get to see.  It was a lot of fun.  There was sangria and calamari; both of which I adore.

We had fun joking around and talking about nothing.

But then it went downhill…

But Texas has been acting weird.  She’s seriously contemplating breaking up with her longtime boyfriend of…4 or 5 years now I think.  I dunno.  Awhile.  Mostly due to not getting the attention she needs, but also a lot of money disagreements (basically he wants to use her money for his shit).

While having this crisis of romance, she starts making this really weird deal about how pretty I am and how all the men around us want me (…what?).  I’m not really sure how to deal with this.  Besides the fact that I have awful self-image issues and can’t even process what she’s suggesting about me; I’ve always thought Texas is a really beautiful woman.
She has this flawless skin I’ll never achieve, shapely legs, gorgeous curly dark hair, and an actual chest region.  There’s a reason she was so easily able to steal my high school boyfriend not once, but twice.

Anyway, I am completely befuddled by her behavior.  She’s always been nice to me about my looks in that “normal girl friend” way (“Oh you look great in that shirt!”) , but I’ve never experienced such dogged references to me.  It feels like she goes out of the way to point out that the waiter is flirting with me and our other friend joins in.  I’m completely wigged out at this point.  The sangria doesn’t help.

I texted Army to try and get some sort of stabilizing opinion and explain that Texas is making me a bit nervous by pointing out these things.  Apparently it comes out wrong because he lashes out at me about trying to “make him jealous” and that if he “said the same thing” to me, I’d be “furious”.  I have no idea what he’s talking about.

The words and tone sound like Katherine.

My vision starts swimming and shifting and my head is spinning and I can’t do that again.  I can’t be a possession again.  I can’t be a slave, an object, a thing.  I can’t belong to a person again.   I can’t handle over-jealously again.  I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t.

Texas notices the shift and comments.  I briefly explain, but not entirely.  She gets it a bit, but has no words.  I understand, she’s dealing with her own frustrations.  The car ride home is quiet.

I think about how he doesn’t even acknowledge me on Facebook.  I know it’s a shallow teenage thing.  I’m not asking for “in a relationship” bullshit.  I don’t much care for that.  But he mentions when he’s hanging out with friends.  Or even his roommates.  But he’s goes out of his way to never ever mention my name on there.  Even when he uploads pictures of my puppies for his friends to see.

And yet he wants to start talking jealously?

Hell no.

If he wants to be in the “deeper level” of a relationship and it means this sort of stuff, I’m out.

Out out out out out out.

I won’t do the crazy jealously game to myself again.  I won’t.  I won’t do it.

17 thoughts on “Ups and Downs

  1. Wanderer

    Dearest Pen,
    I’m sorry for your pain and confusion. Girls can be such perfect bitches. We always know just the wrong thing to say. I personally have been both on the giving and receiving end of remarks that wound and confuse. The tongue is a treacherous thing. I hesitate to give you advice but boyfriend-stealing-Texas seems to have some unresolved issues that she took out on you. That is not kind, especially coming from a friend.
    Text messages are a tricky thing–as I also know far too well. I know how hard it is for you to be open with Army and the fact that he took you coming to him for clarity as an attempt to make him jealous is very hurtful. I hope before you completely shove him away you take a moment to explain the situation–he should know he was in the wrong.

    As always, keep on pushing. You are amazingly strong and your personality is so vivid just through your words, your friends are lucky to have you and would suffer if they lost you.

    1. Pen Post author

      I wouldn’t call her that. It was high school and we were both going through a lot of issues. Though I referenced the time she did that to me, I have forgiven her for it. I didn’t mean to point it out in a mean way. That was wrong of me. She’s just never been a friend to make some big distinction between our physical appearance. That’s something I’m more used to from Germany.

      I love Texas and I don’t think she means it in a hurtful way. I think she’s just feeling down and upset over her issues with her boyfriend. That’s why I didn’t want to dump on her about how her comments made me feel. Hence the texting Army that completely backlashed.

      But I can see texts being different. I dunno. I just feel very freaked out by his mention of jealously. He’s never even mentioned that word before in reference to feeling it himself. It’s one of the things I like about him. And when I was like “What? I think you misunderstood me. I wasn’t flaunting some sort of situation or anything.” and that’s when he got all uppity about if he’d said the same thing to me, I’d be “furious”.
      I’m not sure if he means he’s furious or if I should be like, happy that he’s not. I dunno.
      I just…really don’t want to mess with it right now. I’m already overwhelmed by the stuff with Texas and was merely looking for support. I don’t currently have the energy or mindset to change modes into trying to smooth things with him.

      Thanks for all your thoughts though. They are helpful. I’ll push sometime, just not right now. I’m not feeling it at the moment.

      ❤ ❤

      1. Wanderer

        Ah my fault for misreading the Texas situation—very perceptive of you to know that she was upset with her boyfriend and perhaps projecting onto you. She seems like a good friend and it’s hard when you want to focus on a friend’s troubles but your own keep shoving at the door.
        If I knew the secrets to dealing with men or “man-boys” I would have a wealth of knowledge for you. But alas, I do not possess those powers.
        I feel like all relationship advice whether friend or lover always goes back to communication.
        Take some time for you and conserve your energy, play with your puppies (give them all extra headscratches for me!) I hope things get less overwhelming and that the sun comes back out.

      2. Pen Post author

        It’s completely fair. I wrote this post in a fit of emotion. I think it came out all wonky anyway, heh.

        God it would all be so much easier if genders could understand each other better, huh?

        Yuck, communication. I hate that rule 😛

        I shall definitely pet the puppies extra. I need to upload some new pics here too. Especially since they’re going to find homes soon. They’re weaned and pretty much ready now.

        Thank you for your support ❤

  2. lethalmeans

    Sorry to hear about your night confusion with friends is a bitch hahah and you don’t deserve the jealousy even if you are in a relationship he shouldn’t be going there its just not fair to you or healthy! I hope things become less confusing and you can defuse the situation with Army. Love and safety to you ❤

  3. Grainne

    Ugh. That sounds like a confusing night. I hope Texas is feeling better and is back to her normal self soon. Don’t worry too much about Army being jealous. My D would go through the roof if I had done that while we were together also. They take it as a threat…xxxx

    1. Pen Post author

      Yeah. I just don’t want to deal with extreme jealously ever again. It’s a very triggering thing for me. He’s lack of that behavior was one of the things that attracted me to him at first. But recently, with all the changes, it feels like perhaps that isn’t something he necessarily always has. I dunno.

      ❤ ❤

      1. Grainne

        Not to defend him, but do keep in mind that he might feel threatened since you’re not *with* him right now. Scared you’ll find someone better and just move on…? Maybe?

      2. Pen Post author

        I’m not with him? You mean just like, in a physical sense? Or like, in a philosophical sense?

        Good point though, darling. You are logical. I shouldn’t be so angry with him. I’m just scared. I really don’t want to deal with jealously when I need support.

      3. Grainne

        I mean that you’re not quite on the same page as him and he knows it.

        I have a strong logical side. Gets me through all the stuff my emotional side gets into. lol. xxx

    1. Pen Post author

      You’re a love. Thanks for that reminder. I hate that one of my first reactions is to punish myself. I have to try and remember that I’m not the cause of everything. And even if I am…sometimes forgiveness is better.

  4. vwoopvwoop

    human interaction is so confusing. i’m sorry he took your questions like that, it seems immature of him. it sounds like you were really triggered by the reaction so i would imagine that some of the feelings you had were not about him per se but about katherine, by proxy, but i think it is worth revisiting when you are less triggered. i certainly don’t like the idea of you being treated as less than the amazing person you are. and you’re right, they’re *your* puppies.

    *sending safe hugs*

    1. Pen Post author

      You are so darling for recognizing my problem with the puppy acknowledgment. I’m sure his friends (that aren’t mutual friends and aware that they’re mine) are completely puzzled by the random puppy pictures. He made some vague reference to wanting to “help deliver them but arrived too late”. Grr.

      You’re right though. I think a good portion of this is me being triggered and upset and resentful of being triggered. I shall wait so I don’t get rageful or weepy when I try to discuss how he’s an unintentional wanker.

      Looooooooooove ❤

  5. manyofus1980

    I’m sorry texas said those things in that way. It sounds like maybe a chat is in order. Maybe some explaining to her, and to Army. I’m so sorry because you sound in so much pain here. Safe hugs…

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you. There’s been some resolution since I posted this. Army and I are pretty good and Texas is doing better.


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