Things better left unsaid

Obviously the theme for us American bloggers these past couple days seems to be Mother’s Day.

I hate Mother’s Day.

I didn’t used to.

Unlike some of my lovely blog-friends who have had awful experiences with moms growing up and have a complete to dodge and duck the holiday for their whole life- I have a great mom.

I can say nothing too bad about her.  Her flakiness can be obnoxious, but her love and support more than makes up for it.  She is wonderful and I thanked her profusely yesterday.  For about two hours.  That was all I could handle.

Since October of 2011, I cannot handle Mother’s Day.  I hate it.  I hate that everyone in public assumes that a female in her mid-twenties must be given well wishes because of course she has children.

Of course.

I wonder sometimes what would happen if when someone came up and said “Happy Mother’s Day!” to me I just answered, “My baby died two years ago.  And technically, by the guidelines and definition of motherhood, I’m not even a mother.”

I have that deep down urge to just make people feel like shit.

But it’s an empty urge.

I don’t wish to make others uncomfortable.  Mostly because I don’t wish to share my pain.  I don’t wish to show my scars.

Some things are better left unsaid.

17 thoughts on “Things better left unsaid

  1. Mental Mama

    The brat made me a gift. Not quite as utterly painful, but still icky. I wish people would realize that not all of us get to partake in that “mommy” stuff.

  2. Grainne

    I never liked Mother’s Day either because it made me miss my mom (she’s deceased). I have to say that I do like it a lot more now that I’m a mother…but I guess that’s the point of it all. I’m sorry this wasn’t a good day for you. 😦 xx

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you. I’m sorry to hear about your mom. My mom means a lot to me. I fear the day I’ll lose her.

      I struggle with whether I want to try being a mother again.

  3. sortaginger

    My kid is 16 now, so too late for me to worry, but all the years I was single and raising him I wish someone (“family”) had taken the initiative to say “hey, let’s buy your mom a $5 present” or something. Point is, assuming sucks, and I have learned now it is so much easier for me to avoid everyone on MD and Valentine’s day, including on the internet.

    Sorry to hijack. I am sorry yesterday (and I am sure every day) brought back those memories for you.

    1. Pen Post author

      Aw. That is rotten. I made sure to do something even little and dumb for my mom when I was younger and she was raising me my brother on her own.

      Avoiding sometimes is the best course of action.

  4. vwoopvwoop

    i’m sorry to know that it hurts you, pen. western culture is below par in a lot of seriously fundamental areas, and one of them is acknowledgment of miscarriage and stillbirth as genuine experiences of deep grief. our society tends to pretend those things never happen, when in actual fact they are common and devastating on a level that there aren’t words for. i am reminded of a somber quote from a show that used to air on hbo and was very much in the business of talking about death and grief (i feel as though i’ve shared this with you before but perhaps not).
    ” If you lose a spouse, you’re called a widow, or a widower. If you’re a child and you lose your parents, then you’re an orphan. But what’s the word to describe a parent who loses a child? I guess that’s just too fucking awful to even have a name. ”
    i’m sorry if this is an unwelcome sentiment, i hoped that because you wrote about the sorrow you’re feeling in such plain and honest terms, i could reply in kind. i hope i have not upset you further. i genuinely just want you to know that your pain has been heard, and i’m trying to show that i’m listening and validating your experience.
    i’m sorry you’re in pain, dear friend.
    some things *are* better left unsaid around people who won’t listen, care, or understand. i’m glad you could share your feelings here.

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you. Your words mean a lot. You haven’t upset me further at all. I like that quote. I think perhaps it is just too awful to have a name.

  5. Mooselicker

    I’m not sure why anyone feels the need to wish anyone a happy mother’s day unless they know for a fact they’re a mom. Don’t let other people’s assumptions get you down.

  6. Lily

    This is a great point that I always want to bring up on fathers day as well. Some people don’t have great relationships with their parents and the last thing they want to be reminded of is how happy other people are. I try to always make really cynical statuses on facebook around this time. Ugh.
    I agree with Tim. People are dumb. Don’t worry Pen. 🙂

    1. Pen Post author

      Yes. Father’s Day is awful as well. I think they should both be like, an “opt-in” holiday or something. Or there’s a button or shirt people have to wear in order to celebrate it. That way those who are normally dressed can just go about their days.


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