Baby Shower

We just finished my coworker’s baby shower and I am triggered beyond belief.

I did not expect it to be this bad.

I feel so weak and dumb and stupid that I can still be so wounded over a year later.

I did get a bit of smile when my coworker (J) opened my gift for her and just beamed at it.  She loves elephants.  It’s entirely a coincidence that what I gave her had elephants on it though.

Because it was one of the items I had stowed away from my pregnancy.  I could never bring myself to donate them or even throw them away.

I really struggled with whether to give it to J or not.  But she has been such a great coworker and friend to me that it felt like the safest home for my things.

And seeing her smile and then turn to hug me so tightly….I think I did the right thing.

But feeling her stomach press against me….my heart breaks. 

Seeing all the little things our office got her…my heart breaks.

Hearing them all talk about due dates, and weights, and labor wards, and OB doctors….my heart breaks.

I will never get to experience that.
And it wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t been given a taste of that beautiful dream.

Felt the fluttering movement inside me.

Saw how everything was right and hopeful and so many were sweet and supportive.

Heard that heartbeat.

But my body is not worthy.  I am not worthy.

And so I watch others live my dreams.  And I hope that they realize what a beautiful gift they’ve been given.  That they are so very, very full.

And I am so very very empty.

17 thoughts on “Baby Shower

      1. WeeGee

        There’s plenty of hugs here in WeeGee land. Take what you need. I’d never be so glib as to say I know how you feel, but I do understand a little of your pain and wish I could take it away. Here if you need an ear xoxoxo

  1. vwoopvwoop

    oh my dearest pen. *hugs* grief is long and serious work. there is no expectation for you to have healed some of the rawness of this pain in a specific amount of time. you are not grieving wrong, or slower than other people. you are grieving as best you can. there is no timeline for these things. especially something so fundamentally devastating. people expect their elders to die someday, it still hurts but it is not a surprise. no one expects a young life to end, it seems to go against the way things are supposed to be. you are in pain enough, i wish you would not judge your pain so harshly on top of that. *more hugs*

    i definitely don’t think that everything happens for a reason, but i do think that some things — like gifting the perfect elephanty object to a person who loves elephants — are important and can maybe help to heal a little piece of our soul. you were able to smile in a moment that was rife with pain, and you said yourself that you think you did the right thing giving her that gift. that feels very significant to me. bittersweet, yes, but important.

    it was a brave thing to go to the shower. it sounds like it was very painful *so many more hugs*.

    sending love to you. ❤ and please do be gentle with yourself. there were a lot of triggers in your experience of the shower. be kind to the wounded parts. ❤

    1. Pen Post author

      Vwoop-y-love, you are always darling. Thank you so very much. That validation about my pain being allowable is very good to hear. I’m going to do my best to not judge myself so harshly.

      I think that she smiled so honestly and brightly when she opened it (and I was the only coworker to get a hug) meant a great deal and inched in a little bit to heal my heart and soul.

      Doing my best to be gentle and extra-good to myself this weekend.

      Lots of love to you ❤ ❤

      (P.S. You're one of the few close blog-friends I'm not connected with on FB, so I wanted to let you know that one of the puppies got adopted! It was one of the fluffy black ones. He's doing very well with his new family 🙂 )

      1. vwoopvwoop

        (oh how exciting the puppy went to a good home! ❤ ❤ i didn't realize they were old enough, wow, how the time has flown! and darling i would connect with you on facebook if i had any inclination toward it, but alas, i do not…the way the world is so *connected* rather upsets me and i try for privacy in this increasingly public world…but you should know that i do consider you a DEAR blog-friend and if i weren't scared to have a facebook page, you would of course be added <3<3)

      2. Pen Post author

        (I completely understand. I did intend to make you feel compelled to explain a lack of Facebook. I know it isn’t always the safest feeling place. I merely wanted to keep you in the loop. I post twice as much about the puppies on there because my IRL friends are nosy bastards….lol. And I actually don’t talk about my mental-health on there at all. It’s just a general life personal page. It isn’t connected to this blog or anything. I’m sorry if I made you feel left out or defensive. I love communicating with you on here just fine ❤ ❤ <3)

      3. vwoopvwoop

        (oh i did sound defensive, didn’t i…silly of me. ❤ thank you for keeping me in the puppy loop! does the adopted one have a name???)

  2. Wanderer

    Dearest Pen,
    As vwoopvwoop said, you can’t put a timeline on grief. I lost a pet almost a year ago—I don’t even pretend it’s a blip on the radar compared to your pain—but I still go into puddles sometimes about it. How brave of you to celebrate your coworker’s moment, how lovely of you to give away something so precious to you. You should not feel like you ever *have” to be over a loss or any kind of emotional upheaval on such a scale. I hope you can find some happy in the sad…or at least a smidgeon of light in the dark. So many wishes and cyber hugs to you. I am once again, as ever, impressed by your strength.

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you for that reminder. It’s so nice to get validation that my pain and slow healing is completely warranted.

      I’m sorry you lost a pet. I couldn’t imagine losing Zoe, or even my childhood cat that my Dad currently has (even though she’s super old…). I know it’ll be heartbreaking when they are forced to pass on.

      I heard a story once from a friend about a mother talking to her little boy about their dog dying and how it is very sad that pets don’t live as long as people. And the boy said, “Well, of course not. Pets are so very good and loving that God calls them back to heaven sooner to keep him company and make heaven better.”

      Or something like that. Beautiful idea.

  3. Bourbon

    I’m so sorry 😦 I just can’t imagine how bittersweet it must have been to give away something you bought for your own pregnancy. So painful. But such a lovely gift with such meaning. Be gentle with you xx

    1. Pen Post author

      Bittersweet is exactly what it was. But she was so happy it had elephants and was green and brown (she’s having a boy so everyone got her blue stuff, but she isn’t a huge blue fan, lol).

      Your support and thoughts mean a lot ❤ ❤

  4. On Fecund Thought

    I’m full of admiration for you. Just in awe of what you were able to do — attend a baby shower, hug a bump, and give a beautiful gift. I don’t think I could and wish I had your strength. Something for me to aspire to. Big hug xo


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