I hate being triggered. I hate it even more when I try try try to dig myself out. I can’t anymore.

A well-meaning relative posted a picture he took without my knowledge.

I do not seem to possess the ability to see myself as anything by huge rolling mountains of flab and fat. My thighs are trees. My arms are telephone poles.

I try so hard so hard to just be thin. That’s all I want. Why can’t I do it? Why can’t it happen? This stupid body and stupid mind thwart me at every damn step.

I’m tired of it. I don’t want to look at all those rolls and sausage-like swellings anymore.

In a brief surge of bravery, I tried calling yet another doctor. I know we need meds. Desperately. But no one is accepting patients so the pain and hate and depression just swirls and swirls and festers and I just don’t want to do it anymore.

I tried releasing some of it but even the self-harm felt empty and pointless. Like drawing with chalk on a sidewalk while it’s raining.

Can I please just sleep and never wake up? I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

17 thoughts on “Pictures

  1. Grainne

    If I could, I’d come sit with you today. No need to talk…just be there to care about you when you cannot. *hugs* I’m sorry you’re hurting, friend. xox

    1. Pen Post author

      I wish you could. I could use a good sit with someone who doesn’t expect me to natter their ear off.

      Thanks ❤

      1. Pen Post author

        thanks for thinking of me. i’m not really okay unfortunately. but your thoughts are nice. sorry i haven’t been active on your blog.

      2. Grainne

        Don’t ever worry about being around for me when you’re down. I know, pretty much, exactly how you feel.

        Write me if you need a friend?

  2. Mental Mama

    I’m not exactly fond of seeing photos of myself either. Just know that we all see you for the loving, funny, caring person you are – not the wrapper all of that is contained in. *hugs*

  3. vwoopvwoop

    ugh i HATE when people post pictures of me! i just generally hate pictures of me, end of story. i’m so sorry someone did this to you. i know what you mean about it being completely innocent and they didn’t even think it would be an issue, but to me it is a boundary they are crossing, or at least it feels that way, whenever it happens to me. it *should* be a boundary! you know? i love the internet, goodness knows i do, but i really really hate this part of it, where information about us can be uploaded by other people. i’m just furious for you, and i’m so sorry it affected you this way and you feel so awful.

    i hope these feelings pass soon. you are loved. ❤ ❤ ❤ darling please be gentle with yourself.

    1. Pen Post author

      I wish websites wouldn’t allow you to post pictures of other people. I mean, I know that takes some artificial intelligence that we (probably) don’t have in general public computers, but it’s a nice idea.

      It is definitely a boundary. To my uncle’s credit, he recognized my uncomfortable comment on the picture as me being uncomfortable *with* the picture and messaged me asking me about it. He sort of offered to take it down, but he made this really big deal about how it was so special to him because he rarely gets to see me and he thoughts I looked really good (he also made a big deal about how he thinks I’ve lost weight). So….I know he didn’t mean to bully, but I felt bullied into allowing the photo to remain up. I know it’s cowardly, but I can’t bring myself to say otherwise.

      Today is a bit better of a day. I’m so very thankful to have such great friends who are so very supportive. You are all lovely. Especially you ❤ ❤

  4. thirdlifeby18

    I’ve felt the same way too many times to count and have gone to bed praying I won’t wake up the next day. I can relate to being triggered by photos, feeling relatively okay one moment and then angry and ugly the next. Something I tried once was covering all of the mirrors in my house. It didn’t fix everything but it did help me understand the disparity between what I see and what is real.

    I hope you have something positive to experience soon. It’s awful feeling this way.

    1. Pen Post author

      I’m very sad to hear that you also struggle. It’s not a struggle I’d wish on others. I try the whole avoiding mirrors thing too. It has flaky results, at best.

      Thank you for your thoughts, they mean much ❤

    1. Pen Post author

      Aw, you’re darling. Thank you so very muchly. It’s nice to have a sit with good friends (even metaphysically).

  5. GrayEyedAthena

    Yup. Those pictures suck. The only consolation I can offer you (and I know, it’s not much), is that we are our own worst critics. Chances are, no one else sees us the way WE see us, and that can be liberating. Keep calling docs. Sending good energy your way.

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you. I keep trying to remind myself of that. That I hyper focus on details and see things that no one else notices. That I don’t see myself unless I stare in a mirror (which I don’t tend to, since it makes me hate myself) so when I do see myself, it’s startling.

      Your thoughts mean a lot ❤


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