Living’s Too Hard To Do

“I’d rather be dreaming than living
Living’s just too hard to do
It’s chances not choices
Noises not voices
A day’s just a thing to get through
Living’s just too hard to do

I’d rather be dreaming than talking
There’s nothing to hear or to say
With ears covered mouth closed
The world is opposed
Nothing gets in or away
There’s nothing to hear or to say

I’d rather be dreaming than thinking
Thoughts are small comfort to me
Dreams might be pretend
But at least dreams end
And I just can’t stop thinking you see
Thoughts are small comfort to me

I’d rather be dreaming than sleeping
Just sleeping you’re just as well dead
In dreams I can fly
In dreams I don’t die
That’s why I lie here in this bed
Just sleeping you’re just as well dead

I’d rather be dreaming”

“Dreaming” by Loudon Wainwright III


I’m not well.  I’m a shell.  A hull.  Going through the motions like a sick twisted puppet.  Higher, faster, better, longer, they all say.  And I do it.  Mechanically my parts move but my mind is long gone.

Lack of meds is spiraling spiraling spiraling.  I don’t want to be there when I crash.  I’m so close.  Closecloseclose.  I can taste the tacky bitterness of it.  The sharp tang, like a slice of my own skin.

The world is splinters and ghosts and I just want to sleep and sleep and dream of days before.

Was there a before?

6 thoughts on “Living’s Too Hard To Do

  1. Mental Mama

    Yes, there was a before and there can be an after – if you’d like there to be. I know it’s hard, I really do. I’ve been in a similar place before and it’s awful. And sometimes even after you leave that place your mind takes you back. But the harder you fight and the further you get from it, the easier it is to stay away.

    Keep reaching out to your friends and doing the things you know you should do and please, do your very best to keep trying to find a doctor. It seems to me that the time has come to get back on something to try to help.

    I’m always here for you if you need me.

  2. Wanderer

    Oh Pen, I was thinking of you this morning, thinking of how we haven’t heard from you, of how much I missed your words. I can only send you hugs over the Internet and my strongest hopes that you find a doctor and did a way to keep going, as you always have. Best wishes as always

  3. vwoopvwoop

    hold on tight to zoe. she’s real and she loves you.

    i’m not going to tell you that what you’re experiencing isn’t reality. it is, but it’s also warped and on the edge of things; it’s an extreme. there was a time before, and there can be a time after. time probably seems impossible to imagine, stretching out before you, so you can take it in little pieces …one minute. one hour. if you’re feeling better, maybe even thinking about a whole day ahead. but trying to act as though you’re not vulnerable and compromised when you clearly are, that’s taking up energy *you don’t have to spare*. i am worried about you, and i hope you can at least get a vague sense that you’re worried about you too. i hope you can try to bring the focus back to yourself and keep the precious small amount of energy you have at the moment all to yourself, because right now *you* need it, not anyone else. you have the right to your own energy and focus. you have the right to take space from others and responsibilities that are draining you right now. you have every right to just focus on yourself. i believe that with all my heart, and i hope that even if you can’t believe it right now, you can believe *me* and that i’m telling you the truth.

    living is hard, it’s the hardest thing there is. as buffy said to dawn in the 5th season finale, and as dawn said back to her in the musical episode (which made me cry, because it was exactly how i felt)…
    “the hardest thing in this world, is to live in it.”
    i thoroughly suggest a re-watch of 6×07, once more with feeling, if you’re up for it. season six is my favorite because buffy is *soooooooo depressed* through it and can’t really see the point of living, and she makes a lot of self-harming choices just to try and feel alive…it hits so close to home for me. and of course the most beautiful thing about it is that she does come out the other side. she does learn to love life again. it takes time, and effort, and she is miserable and difficult to be around until it happens, but it *does happen* and the people who love her don’t abandon her. buffy is far from one of my favorite characters, but season six was transformative for me. sorry to go off on on a seemingly ridiculous tangent but sometimes talking about our problems in relation to beloved fictional characters is the most effective way….at least for me.

    much love to you, and as many hugs as you want. *endless hugs* ❤ ❤

  4. GrayEyedAthena

    Oh sweet Pen you are whole and complete and resilient. Some of this is just a waiting game… and whether we’re waiting for the bottom to fall out or we’re waiting for things to get better, sometimes it’s nice to know that nothing is happening right at this moment, and that’s ok. Keep writing- you have such a beautifully clear way of expressing yourself, and I hope that ability gives you comfort and the knowledge that you must be more sane than you think! Sending love. xoxo, g.


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