I knew work was heading this way.  I knew a possible breakdown was just on the horizon.  Currently I’m at my desk in the office with a hot chocolate (plus a shot of cappuccino) and an ice pack on the back of my neck.

Seems dumb, I know.  Only thing I can think of to try and ground me and keep me from having a breakdown.  Sensation helps keep my mind from going mental, so I thought the combination of hot and cold might keep me together for at least the next two hours (the extra caffeine can’t hurt).

I’m being hit in two different ways.

First of all; files being thrown at me and threats being dangled about audits and probationary period (not me, my contract- but basically the same thing).  I absolutely have to get shit done and done fast if I don’t want to be jobless in less than a month.

But then my supervisor pulls me into a one-on-one meeting this morning to go over an elaborate plan to elevate me and give me more responsibility and all the new things that will be expected of me.  The good part is more hours and a raise, but I don’t know.  I just don’t know.

My mother has asked if I’ll come back and work for her as a paralegal for her firm.  She’s said she’s pretty sure she can promise me full-time hours.  It’s so very tempting…

But I do love so much about this job.

Just not right now.  And not today.

This moment, I just want to go into a corner (or the bathroom), curl up, and cry.

I’m not sure how much longer I can handle this without letting my coworkers see me cracking.  I can’t let that happen.  I have to remain sane in the eyes of others.

11 thoughts on “Overload

  1. Mental Mama

    Breathe – that’s part of the key to this. Deep slow breaths that you count. Inhale – 1 – exhale – 2 – inhale – 3 – exhale – 4 – repeat. The contradictory sensation thing also sounds like a great idea.

    All we can ever really do is our best, and I know you – that is *precisely* what you’ve been doing all along. Just remember that. And your boss wouldn’t be talking about what really sounds to me like a promotion if she didn’t value you. Remember that too.

    As for maybe going to work for your mom – pros/cons time. You know this stuff honey, put it to work.

    Hang in there. Holler if you need me. *hugs*

    1. Pen Post author

      Thanks. I know it’s technically a positive being offered more. I just don’t know if I can handle it under the current management conditions. But it’s so very hard for me to turn down more money…

      1. Mental Mama

        Here’s the thing I’ve had to learn the hard way – you really won’t know what you’re capable of until you give an honest try. When I first got diagnosed, my doc wasn’t sure I’d ever go back to work at all. Not only did I go back – full time – but not too long after that I got a promotion. And then I got my first Master’s degree, just to see if I could do it.

        Here’s what I’d suggest – schedule a meeting with your boss to discuss this. Be as honest and open with her as you possibly can. Tell her about your concerns and that, while you are thrilled to be offered this advancement, you’d like to give it a trial run before taking it on permanently. It’s been my experience that when you approach this kind of situation with openness and honesty, the “powers that be” tend to be quite understanding and willing to work with you.

      2. Pen Post author

        Also the way our government contracts work, I can’t do a trial run. I won’t do the higher position work for my current pay rate, but I wouldn’t be able to step back once elevated. I’d just be fired or have to quit.

      3. Mental Mama

        Oh yuck. Sorry, didn’t realize all that. Hmmm…

        Ok, seems to me that you don’t have too terribly much to lose by trying since your mom would be willing to hire you at her firm, is that fair? So I guess I’d say give it a shot because you really won’t ever know if you don’t try. I have faith in you.

  2. kat

    I hate, absolutely hate, periods of overload and being overwhelmed. Just the feeling of stress from this is enough to absolutely paralyze me, except I know I just have to keep moving, keep focused, keep it together. And I know it is temporary, and will end, eventually. I am kind of going through this now myself. I know how this just seems like too much, but you will get through, I’m sure. Sending tranquility, patience, and strength your way..

    1. Pen Post author

      Yeah. That robotic forward-forward-forward is thankfully ingrained in me, so I am continuing to go-go-go. Sort of. So far.

      Hoping it will end soon. Thanks for the happy thoughts ❤


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