Squeezing blood from stone

My supervisor almost had me crying in a meeting today.  

That so rarely happens, especially with Sere usually being the one who fronts (she doesn’t do emotional).  But he just keeps pushing and demanding and pushing and I just can’t do all that he’s demanding.  

He semi-triggered me and I just felt that bubbly break.  It was awful.  I held back thankfully, though he could certainly tell he touched a nerve (my face did that crumple thing without giving way to tears or noises).

And I’m not getting any of the hours or raise that’s been promised.

You can’t squeeze blood from stone, but currently he is trying his best. Squeeze squeeze squeeze.

I’m not sure how much longer I can be here.  I may take Mom up on her offer of returning to the law firm sooner than I expected.

Sorry- short post for a bad day.  I’ll have some other updates in another day or two most likely.  Work has just been overloading me.  To put it mildly.

Rose-Tinted Lies

**(EXTRA Trigger warning for blunt and not pretty ED talk)**

The glow and flame and burst of light you think you’ll have.  The silver insides, the fluttering clean, the glorious empty, the lightly skipping steps of a person who is perfectly thin.

It’s a rose-tinted lie.

Here’s what an eating disorder really is for me:

It’s two am and I wake up with those sudden feelings of self-hatred and the flab seems to be clinging, clinging,  Something has to be done.  It doesn’t matter that work is in the morning and I really shouldn’t be a shell at work.  I reach for the pills.

It’s living a life where measurement of pills are dolled out by shakes of a bottle and tosses into a shaking palm.  Proper dosage is only “more”.

It’s making sure I have enough ephedrine to curb the hunger pains and exhaustion.  It’s reading the articles that talk about it being mostly outlawed because when it was coupled with caffeine and aspirin it caused dramatic weight loss (and a lot of health problems).  And my only reaction is “gotta get some low-dose aspirin”.

It’s telling people I love eating hot sauce straight because I’m a weird nut about spicy food; when it’s really because it acts as a natural laxative and adds next to no calories.  And loving that it burns the shit out of my tongue so I don’t want to eat more.

It’s the burning and painful tenderness of my behind after I’ve had a particular violent bought with the laxative effects.

It’s sobbing in the middle of a weekend afternoon because I desperately want to bake something (baking being my secret passion) but knowing I’m not seeing anyone soon that I could pawn the results off on.  So I have to stop myself from doing it.  Otherwise I’ll just eat the results and cow’s don’t deserve desserts.

It’s being a little happy deep down when a particularly nasty migraine results in multiple days of vomiting.

It’s hating myself so deeply, so darkly, in a twisting thorn of rage, for the days after those migraines where I can’t eat enough.

It’s telling coworkers that I ate before I came to work and I would prefer to just work through lunch.

It’s shaking and trembling in the bathroom after those handful of laxatives, the cramping in my stomach so bad that I’m pretty sure I’m going to die.

It’s unexplained bruises and scratches when I wake up in the morning.  The only clue is a echoing cry of despairing self-hatred in the back of head.  It is almost childlike.

It’s hearing my best friend tell me I look like a pinup model in a swim suit and wishing, just wishing, that I could see myself that way.  I’m not dumb, I know my eyes are broken.

It’s hearing my mother say “You would never treat another person the horrible way you treat yourself” and being stunned into silence by the truth of it.  I am my own worse enemy.

It’s hoping, hoping, hoping that something will change.  But nothing ever does.

It’s a rose-tinted lie.

Where I am

WordPress just informed me that today is the anniversary of my blog.  

This is bittersweet to hear.

I am in a bad place right now.  After my last post, I was very very ill for three days (there is no glory in taking excessive laxatives).  

I had hoped that I would be leaps and bounds better from where I was a year ago today.  It doesn’t feel that way at all.  

Honestly, I wish I could just fade away quietly.  I am too cowardly and tired of the pain from the laxatives to do anything violent towards myself.  But if I could just push a button and be gone…
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However, taking a look at the positive:

I have so many wonderful new friends.  You all are such great supports and I know I would be in a worse place now (perhaps even gone) if it weren’t for you.  Yes, you.

I have learned so many things.  Coping, support, just the mere empathizing has been a great thing.

I have laughed, I have cried, I have gasped in horror, I have shivered with excitement.  Your lives have enriched mine- even over the seeming impersonal world of blogging and the internet.
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Two days ago I almost shut down this blog.  I am still scared, depressed, disgusted (with myself), exhausted, sad, angry, heartbroken and so much more.  

But I have to remind myself all the good this blog has done.  All the help it has provided me.  And that it is okay to just take a step back sometimes.  

It’s also okay to ask for help.

When I wanted to shut it down two days ago- it was because I was so scare to ask for help.  I was so angry with myself for taking so many laxatives.  I thought I deserved punishment.  And you guys always make me feel better.

I wanted to shut down that support for good.

But I’m so glad I did not.
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So happy anniversary to myself.  And I hope I am able to stumble back onto my feet sometime soon.

Warm thoughts to all of you ❤ ❤ ❤

Silver streaking pain

(*trigger warning: ED talk)

I stupidly binged last night. Dumbdumbdumb.

I wish I had the courage or ability to just get rid of it immediately. A simple up and out. But I don’t.

So I broke out the laxatives today. First time in awhile. 

I forgot about the stabbing knife-like pain. Silver streaks dancing through my stomach and flashing through my head.  Their sweet singing flickering through each ear, taunting me, encouraging me.

Need to feel that glorious empty. The sharp bite of bright white clean. The echoing flavor of nothingness.

I just wish it didn’t have to be painful. I really hate pain.

But pain is beauty. And I’m never quite close enough.

-Victoria

Third Wheel

I’ve been feeling like a third wheel lately.  

Basically, Army and I are over with.  We haven’t even spoken for a couple weeks now.  I don’t really want to talk about the details on this post.  Sorry.

Anyway, pretty much all of my friends have a partner and I’m finding it difficult and uncomfortable to hang out with them.  It’s giving parts of me some triggering twitches and urges to “correct the problem” (as only Charlotte can).

But I don’t want that.

I want to be alone.  I want to be on my own.

But I just…I just wish I had more social opportunities that didn’t involve couples.

It isn’t that they’re affectionate or macking on each other in front of me.  In fact, sometimes I am only hanging out with one person out of the “pair”.  

But it still feels like I’m missing an arm and they’re whole and perfect.  Then they keep doing all these things with their two arms and trying to get me to join in and I’m like “I have only one arm…” but they don’t hear me or notice that I’m incapable.

Maybe that explains it?

I’m not sure.

All I know is I feel a bit dead inside lately and it’s worrying me because when I get this dead feeling, it means some sort of self-destructive fiasco usually follow.  I am trying hard to keep a lid on Charlotte but she really dislike feeling ugly and unwanted.  She always feels the need to prove that she can entice and ensnare.

But I don’t want to.  I really don’t.  I just want to….

I don’t know what I want.

I just want it to stop.

Fear for Zoe

Zoe did something super scary this morning.

She woke me up by pressing herself forcefully against me (she is an affectionate dog, but not to this extreme and especially not during the summer) and the skin on her back and sides was trembling violently like she was shivering (the room was at least 60 degrees).

My initial concern was a seizure.  I know a couple dogs who’ve had them.  But she was responsive to me, let me move her and manipulate her while following my hands or mouth.  She did not whimper, pant, or drool.  Her legs did not stiffen or twitch.

When I tried to get up, she flung herself into my lap and continued to tremble.  Her eyes stared up into my face and her nose tried to touch the nearest bit of me she could.  I thought then that perhaps she was just scared (a bad dream?) and picked her up as I stood.  I carried her to the couch and sat with her, saying soothing words and petting her lightly.  

As soon as I was within a couple feet of the door, she started squirming and I put her down so I wouldn’t harm her.  She ran to the front door and pressed herself against it, staring up at me.

Ok. She wants to go outside.  I’m not an idiot.  I took her outside where she halfheartedly sniffed and wandered around, sniffed, peed, had a small poo (normal-looking) and then let me take her inside.  

She then proceeded to climb up next to me on the couch and do the same thing from the morning.  Pressing herself against me almost painfully with her back and sides trembling.

I called the vet.  They were not very helpful.  They said it could be a toxin she ingested (though I informed them she hasn’t vomited or had diarrhea, or trouble eating and drinking), seizures (though they admitted they agreed it was unlikely with her responsiveness to me), or just “a behavior possibility” (i.e. she just freaked herself out).

My dog is not a timid thing.  She comforts me during thunder storms, she asserts herself with all strangers (dog and people alike), she boldly goes in the car and into new buildings she’s never been in.

When I pressed the vet further, they stated they would have to have her come in for an appointment.  However, until July 15th, I absolutely CANNOT miss any work (not to mention I don’t have any leave time left after my most recent hospitalization).  They don’t have any openings before or after I get off.

Tomorrow is July 4th, a national holiday.  They are closed.  They say if she gets worse, I will have to take her to an emergency vet.

I desperately wanted to stay home with her.  I desperately wish my mother wasn’t out of town so she could watch her.

Neither of those two things are an option.

So here I am, physically at work, while my mind is frantically trying to reach back and be with my guardian angel of a dog.

It breaks my heart that she is always with me with I feel unwell, but I cannot be with her.

My system is fractured too.  I have yelling, crying, screaming, sobbing, begging, on and on and on in my head.  It’s all I can do to try and maintain some semblance of normalcy here at work.

I am hoping our office closes early for the holiday.

Something a bit different

I am officially back!

However, after the past couple weeks of funk-o-awful, I’ve decided I want to try something briefly different to shake myself up a bit.

Ya’ll know I’m a big fan of movies.  Normally horror is my thing, but I also hold a special obsession for mental-health related movies.

I decided I’m going to do a series of reviews for some mental-health related movies.

I’d love some help on this, for those of you so inclined.  I have a couple favorites I’m going to start out with, but I was hoping you lovely readers might have some suggestions for me?

So far I know I shall do the following:
–Girl, Interrupted (one of favorites because it reflects my own psych ward experience in many ways)
–Big Girls Don’t Cry (a German movie, technically more about growing up and friendship, but has special meaning for me)
–Shutter Island (had to throw in a horror movie, of course)

Those are what I’m going to begin with.  Please suggest some more for me in the comments!

Also, I’m going to try the whole Twitter thing.  Don’t judge.  I’m just feeling some live time updates.  Feel free to keep an eye on me at: https://twitter.com/penpapercrazy .

Please keep in mind it’s brand new, so there isn’t much going on right now.  Just something I’m trying for extra updates, since WP doesn’t like working with my phone, which is all I use when I’m away from work.

Happy to see all of you!

Leap of Faith

I took that leap of faith again.  Telling someone in real life about my mental-health (yes, the actual detail) and crossing my fingers it doesn’t end up biting me in the ass.

It hasn’t so far, but I keep waiting for the ax to fall.  It always has before.

I am managing to remain mostly co-conscious, but there are a few inners who are pissed about my decision.  They still remember the last time with stinging clarity.

The fact that I told a male makes it all the more agitating for them.  It doesn’t matter that the situation is entirely different and he is a totally different sort of guy.  One of the few “safe” ones I’ve encountered in my life.  He’s a really great friend who has his own awesome life, residence, and social life (including a lovely girlfriend who has excellent taste in cars).  I always have a great time hanging out at his place or going to the drive-in with them.  One of the few places I can really relax, even before I ended up telling him that secret aspect of my psyche.

But the fact that he’s been a great support is unfortunately, a bit triggering to parts of me.

That idea of support, of true honest, no walls-up sort of support, is terrifying.  Every single time I’ve done that, it just ruins things.  Everything.  I go back to square one and it’s almost as if it’s worse than if I had never reached out in the first place.

But I can’t exactly go through life being a complete coward.  That would be a pretty poor existence.  And I know I can’t keep going forward at the rate I am without some sort of break system.  The wheels are close to falling off.  Not to say I want someone to hold the wheels on, but it’s nice to have a sort of “mechanic” to be honest about the make and model of my car so he can help me purchase and install the correct axle or joints or whatever is fucking me up.

Wow.  That car analogy was weird.

So despite the slight backlash of my system, I’m really hoping this leap of faith won’t turn out like all the others.  Really hoping.

Let’s see if I can turn some of this pessimism into optimism.