Leap of Faith

I took that leap of faith again.  Telling someone in real life about my mental-health (yes, the actual detail) and crossing my fingers it doesn’t end up biting me in the ass.

It hasn’t so far, but I keep waiting for the ax to fall.  It always has before.

I am managing to remain mostly co-conscious, but there are a few inners who are pissed about my decision.  They still remember the last time with stinging clarity.

The fact that I told a male makes it all the more agitating for them.  It doesn’t matter that the situation is entirely different and he is a totally different sort of guy.  One of the few “safe” ones I’ve encountered in my life.  He’s a really great friend who has his own awesome life, residence, and social life (including a lovely girlfriend who has excellent taste in cars).  I always have a great time hanging out at his place or going to the drive-in with them.  One of the few places I can really relax, even before I ended up telling him that secret aspect of my psyche.

But the fact that he’s been a great support is unfortunately, a bit triggering to parts of me.

That idea of support, of true honest, no walls-up sort of support, is terrifying.  Every single time I’ve done that, it just ruins things.  Everything.  I go back to square one and it’s almost as if it’s worse than if I had never reached out in the first place.

But I can’t exactly go through life being a complete coward.  That would be a pretty poor existence.  And I know I can’t keep going forward at the rate I am without some sort of break system.  The wheels are close to falling off.  Not to say I want someone to hold the wheels on, but it’s nice to have a sort of “mechanic” to be honest about the make and model of my car so he can help me purchase and install the correct axle or joints or whatever is fucking me up.

Wow.  That car analogy was weird.

So despite the slight backlash of my system, I’m really hoping this leap of faith won’t turn out like all the others.  Really hoping.

Let’s see if I can turn some of this pessimism into optimism.

7 thoughts on “Leap of Faith

  1. kat

    we have to try to connect in a real way sometimes, to some people, even tho there is always a risk. crossing fingers for no backfire 🙂

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      I will accept all crossed fingers!

      Whoa. That sounded violent. I just mean the idea of them. Please keep them attached to your body 🙂

      Reply
  2. Wanderer

    So glad you found someone you trust enough to speak with. I hope having someone there for you in “real life” helps! Best of luck and good wishes.

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      Since none of my favorite bloggers live close enough…I shall settle for the next best thing 😉

      Thanks for the thoughts!

      Reply

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