Silver streaking pain

(*trigger warning: ED talk)

I stupidly binged last night. Dumbdumbdumb.

I wish I had the courage or ability to just get rid of it immediately. A simple up and out. But I don’t.

So I broke out the laxatives today. First time in awhile. 

I forgot about the stabbing knife-like pain. Silver streaks dancing through my stomach and flashing through my head.  Their sweet singing flickering through each ear, taunting me, encouraging me.

Need to feel that glorious empty. The sharp bite of bright white clean. The echoing flavor of nothingness.

I just wish it didn’t have to be painful. I really hate pain.

But pain is beauty. And I’m never quite close enough.


10 thoughts on “Silver streaking pain

  1. kat

    im sorry you find yourself in this predicament. maybe instead of punishing yourself tho, you could be gentle with yourself? maybe a slip is just a slip, or maybe its a call for help or attention…whichever, maybe some selfcare would help that part feel better, would help all of you nurture? just a thot. sounded better than more punishment. hope you feel better soon.

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you for your thoughts. It got much better first, but I am doing a bit better now. At least physically. It’s hard to think about things that are not punishing myself. I just feel that I don’t deserve anything nice- especially from myself.

      It’s nice to hear that others think I deserve niceness though ❤

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you. It’s hard to get into that mode of asking to talk to someone. I always want to just suffer in silence, even though I know it makes it so much worse.

      Your thoughts help immensely though ❤

  2. Mental Mama

    I’m sorry that life has pushed you to the point where this felt like the best solution. I hope your body has started to recover and that you feel a little better. You know you can always email me hon. *hugs*

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you for not letting me just slink away into nothingness. I try so hard to do that. You’re a very sweet person ❤


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