Where I am

WordPress just informed me that today is the anniversary of my blog.  

This is bittersweet to hear.

I am in a bad place right now.  After my last post, I was very very ill for three days (there is no glory in taking excessive laxatives).  

I had hoped that I would be leaps and bounds better from where I was a year ago today.  It doesn’t feel that way at all.  

Honestly, I wish I could just fade away quietly.  I am too cowardly and tired of the pain from the laxatives to do anything violent towards myself.  But if I could just push a button and be gone…

However, taking a look at the positive:

I have so many wonderful new friends.  You all are such great supports and I know I would be in a worse place now (perhaps even gone) if it weren’t for you.  Yes, you.

I have learned so many things.  Coping, support, just the mere empathizing has been a great thing.

I have laughed, I have cried, I have gasped in horror, I have shivered with excitement.  Your lives have enriched mine- even over the seeming impersonal world of blogging and the internet.

Two days ago I almost shut down this blog.  I am still scared, depressed, disgusted (with myself), exhausted, sad, angry, heartbroken and so much more.  

But I have to remind myself all the good this blog has done.  All the help it has provided me.  And that it is okay to just take a step back sometimes.  

It’s also okay to ask for help.

When I wanted to shut it down two days ago- it was because I was so scare to ask for help.  I was so angry with myself for taking so many laxatives.  I thought I deserved punishment.  And you guys always make me feel better.

I wanted to shut down that support for good.

But I’m so glad I did not.

So happy anniversary to myself.  And I hope I am able to stumble back onto my feet sometime soon.

Warm thoughts to all of you ❤ ❤ ❤

18 thoughts on “Where I am

  1. Mental Mama

    You know me, I would never get all preachy and Jesus-y on you, but if you will, think about this idea – every morning that we’re able to open our eyes is a gift. It’s an opportunity to go forth into the world and make it a better place. It’s a chance to do something good for ourselves and our fellow beings. And there is absolutely no shame in asking for help when your spirit is too weak. Let us help you so that you may live to fight another day.

    Alright, sappy hippy time is over – pass me a cocktail. 😀

    1. Pen Post author

      Ehhhh…thanks for the thoughts. Jesus is a triggery concept for me, but I appreciate you trying to put that spiritual aspect into somewhat non-threatening words.

      Cocktail sounds excellent…

  2. Grainne

    I don’t ask for help either and it usually lands me in an bad spot. I’m so sorry you’re struggling right now. Take care and feel better soon? (What a dumb thing to say…sorry. Just want to let you know I’m around, really).

    1. Pen Post author

      At least I’m not the only one who does that.

      And I know what you mean. I almost emailed you Sunday night. Almost. The fact that I can do that does help, even when I’m cowardly about it ❤

      1. Grainne

        Well! That’s not a bad step at all! 🙂 I’m glad you thought of me. Next time shoot off an email and see how it feels. xx

  3. Wanderer

    Happy blog-a-versary!! I’m so glad I stumbled across your blog on Freshly Pressed. I have watched (read?) your journey since then and I am constantly amazed by your strength. You may not see it, but I do. I can read in your writing—even when you are in pain—that you just wont give up (even when you want to). Here’s to many more blog-a-versaries to come.

    *Big comforting hugs to you*

    1. Pen Post author

      Aww, your words mean so very much. I’m so very glad to have gained you as a follower. And your blog is wonderful to read as well!

      I just recently caught up on all your E & Owen shorts. I adore them so very much! Thanks for providing me with bright distractions in my day ❤

      1. Wanderer

        I’m so honored to have YOU as a follower. I’m glad I can brighten your day—I hope to have some new E & Owen stories soon!

  4. mintythings

    Lately I’ve noticed that one way I stress myself out is, I go from being worried about one problem to being worried about the next without stopping to think about how I survived the last problem, and nothing too awful happened, and how that’s pretty cool. So, the other side of “I felt this bad a year ago too” is, you felt this bad before and you survived. And you managed to do some cool things in the past year, despite all the bad things. You can do that again. (I’m not completely sure this makes sense? I’m tired. I hope it helps.)

    1. Pen Post author

      I think I know what you mean. I should acknowledge that though I was bad a year ago, and am still bad, it isn’t the *same* bad. So something was accomplished. Sort of.

      Thanks for your thoughts. ❤

  5. sortaginger

    I am glad you are still here and totally get what you are saying. I am seven months out and still feel like nothing has been done, but the truth is a lot has. I reached out, made new contacts, held myself somewhat accountable for my behavior and put myself out there. It isn’t the progress I hoped to have made, but I have to tell myself it is something.

    1. Pen Post author

      Good point! I need to sort out the good points and remind myself of them- even the small ones are important changes that have happened 🙂

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you! Me too. I don’t know what I would do some days if I did have this place and all your lovely words to remind me of a life worth living.


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