Relationship Amok

I haven’t talked about my “romantic” “love” life in many posts, huh?

Notice the quotations.

That’s a slick way of me saying I have no love or romance going on really.

Mostly cause I’m a fuckup who only pursues fuckups or fucks it up with other fuckups.  Sometimes there’s a non-fuckup involved, but those rarely last.

Monkey bars, sandpit, cliff, anything more straightforward than a conversation.

Monkey bars, sandpit, cliff; anything more straightforward than a conversation.

Most recently, I’ve been talking about (bitching about) Army.  You regular readers are aware of what sort of person he tends to be and how I fluctuate between hopeless romantic and pure Grade A rage.  I’ve been told this is normal in a lot of relationships.

However, I’ve also been told I deserve better when he decides to crawl under a rock for three weeks and not contact or talk to me.

On the other hand, I also do similar things to a lot of friends and most family (all if I could…my mother doesn’t let me).

That cool, soft dirt under that smooth, flat rock is comfy.  It’s like home.  It doesn’t judge me on the amount of food I’ve eaten, the weight I’m at, the mood I’m in, the voices I hear, the voices I don’t, the urges I have, the pain I’m in, etc.

The rock is nice.

So who I am to judge?

Doesn’t stop me of course.

Have vagina; will judge.

Basically I was ready to toss Army to the curb because of some rude things he said to me over a month ago, followed by a long period of absolute silence.

This sounds like a book he'd write (fyi, the ACTUAL book is not about what you think it is)

This sounds like a book he’d write (fyi, the ACTUAL book is not about what you think it is).

But then my health went into the shitter again and guess who’s one of the first people to quickly visit me in the hospital?

Now, granted the fact that he’s a paramedic makes him frequently in hospitals in general.  But he made a special trip to the hospital I was at while NOT on shift.  I think that means a bit more.

(It means the fucker enjoys pissing nurses off and blathering medical jargon with the techs while he’s bored.)

And now he’s regularly checking in again.  And talking me down the other night when I was in a dark place.

He wants to go to the dog park this evening.  I agreed.  It isn’t a date.  No big deal.  I have no clue where we are, but I know he’s someone who makes me smile and feel good about myself.

That can’t be a bad person to spend time with, right?


8 thoughts on “Relationship Amok

  1. Mental Mama

    My humble opinion – since you clearly did not ask for it – is to just roll with it. If he’s causing less harm than good it might just be worth it. Now, if he’s causing more rage inside you than smiley times, ditch his ass. And of course, it’s never really that easy. Relationships are utterly complicated, made even more utterly complicated by the fact that we women – and particularly we women who have the mentals – are well and truly beyond utterly complicated. Good luck honey.

    1. Pen Post author

      You, give an unwanted opinion??? Jk, you know I love you ❤

      Sound advice. I shall keep it in mind. That whole complicated fuckupery I specialize in makes it hard. But I'm glad I'm not the only one.

  2. kat

    i guess i would say to just do what feels right at that moment. don’t read into it, don’t analyze it, don’t play it out forward…just do what seems right, right now.

  3. Bourbon

    Anyone who makes you smile and feel good about yourself is a good one to have around in my opinion. Has he ever explained why he just goes off for weeks with no contact?! I hope you are feeling okay today xox

    1. Pen Post author

      He never had any good explanation. He usually says things like “I suck” or “I’m not good at not fucking up”. He just toes the line of apology and never really explains.

      Today sucks. About to blog about it to try and do that cathartic release thing…


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