Trying to be a protector

(Trigger warning.  Bad language, dark thoughts, and slight sexual talk.)

He fucked someone else.

He’s the one who fucking decided to not speak to us for weeks, acts all apologetic when he comes to visit us in the hospital, and then last night he decides to tell Charlotte he’s fucked someone else.

While they’re in the MIDDLE of foreplay.

Fucking classy, right?  Motherfucking classy.

I wanted to put my boot through his shitty fucking face.  But I didn’t get to control that situation.  Since it was a fucking sexual situation, control falls to fucking Charlotte.

Fucking Charlotte.

So fucking needy in her fucking needs that when he drops that gem of a bombshell, she fucking pauses, stares at him a second while internally WE LOSE OUR FUCKING SHIT.

Then she carries on like nothing fucking happened.

Fucking fantastic.

She fucks him not one, but twice after that little gem of information.  She tries to justify it by saying she didn’t try hard (yeah right).  But that’s not even the fucking point.
Then she needles him.  She fucking push, push, pushes the shithead to admit that the cocksucker’s fling of betrayal was shitty.  Great fuckwit.  I don’t fucking care if it was the shittiest lay you ever had.

You’re still a fuckhead.

He spends half the fucking night trying to say how beautiful, how lovely, how gorgeous we are (stupid fucking V told him about the body image issues and most recent laxative use).

It all fell on fucking deaf ears.

All I can fucking hear in here is how awful we must look for him to go out and find someone else to fuck.


Now I have to fucking deal with a brand new spiral of self-hate after we just dug ourself out from the last one.

Thank you motherfucking shithead of a fuckwit.  I’m putting up a fucking banner.  We aren’t going fucking back to him.  This is it.  Charlotte filled her fucking void.  She’s done for a couple weeks.

We finally found a fucking doctor who will see us (appointment tomorrow) so we don’t fucking need his medical fucking ability.

The fuckhead can just stay away.  Stay the fuck away.

Don’t need these fucking mind games.  We already create our own shit.

Hoping the fucking doctor tomorrow can help.  And I’ve never fucking hoped on doctors for shit.

Anything to calm them down.  Thinking they’re fat and ugly and unfuckable.  Jesus.
Charlotte fucked the man twice and he certainly had no issues performing.  Ya’ll are fuckable.  Chill the fuck out.  It’s him that’s unfuckable.  I’m sure the low class whore of a bitch he found was like, 400 pounds and had the worse butterface in fucking existence.

I’m with Middi on this front.  If meds can help, I’ll allow them.

Especially with the numb fucking hands being the worse they’ve been in awhile this morning. Can barely put the fucking bra on.

So that’s our fucking weekend.

Hope ya’ll are fucking good.


17 thoughts on “Trying to be a protector

  1. Wanderer

    Oh, Pen—I’m so very sorry. I can only imagine what a betrayal like that feels like. I’m so sorry you all had to go through all of that. I hope the doctor is a good one and can help you out. I hope the rest of your week is miles better than the situation with Army. I wish you didn’t have to go through all this pain, but I know you can make it through. You are so strong and you deserve so much more.

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you. It’s a harsh betrayal. I mean, on the logical side I keep being reminded that he just stopped talking to me for weeks so what did I expect to have happened. But on the other side, he’s done that before (unfortunately) and it’s never resulted in him pursuing some other person.
      And to just say it right during…..that was just. Hard. Really hard to hear.
      Your words are so kind. I’ll try to dig out that strength. I like to hope this week will go better. Perhaps good news at the doctor tomorrow.

  2. Mental Mama

    Wow. Yeah, I’d have been all for stringing him up by his balls. Although I now suspect he doesn’t really have any. If there’s anything I can do to help, just holler. But hey, you really are still beautiful to me. ❤

    1. Pen Post author

      Love the ball-stringing idea. I’d fuckin’ do that.

      Thank you for saying I’m beautiful. I guess I should believe you huh, since you’ve seen pics of me? 😛

  3. vwoopvwoop

    that is really a shitty time for him to announce such a thing. i am definitely not a fan of him right now. i hope you are all doing okay after that, it sounds like it was a big stressful turbulence for the system.

    charlotte, i hope you are not experiencing a lot of shame and self-blame — i know when things like this have happened in our system, that is the way we’ve dealt, and it’s emotionally painful. i hope you are okay.

    rika, i respect your strong feelings, you just want to protect against people who seem to fuck with your emotions, and i have to say, i am not sure what he thinks he’s doing with you all but it sounds like it could be interpreted as toying with you. i’m sorry you weren’t able to protect the way you thought you should, and i hope that some of your strength can help motivate the others to believe they are worthy, they are loveable, they have nothing to be ashamed of.

    i hope the doctor’s appointment goes well.

    1. Pen Post author

      I was just…all revved up to go. I can’t just slam on the breaks, even for a confession like that. A girl has to get her satisfaction. But I am…very upset by him saying that. I don’t even care that it was awful. I mean, I’m glad it was awful for him. Serves him right. But doesn’t make a difference to me. I think I may be with Rika. I don’t know if I want to go back.

      I think the fucker is toying with us. Fucking games. I don’t do that shit. I would have like to punch him in the face but Serefina so fucking nicely reminded me that would most likely result in situations out of my control (i.e. legal). You’re damn right my strength is gonna fucking help in this situation. If we’re gonna splinter this bad, I’m gonna fucking use it to get the others to fucking listen.

      Thanks for the thoughts and I also hope the doc’s appt goes well. I think that will help a lot.
      ❤ ❤

  4. sortaginger

    Ugh, what a character he is to pull this junk. I know exactly how that feels, unfortunately.

    I am glad you have a doctor’s appointment soon, I hope you get some answers or a path to answers. We’re here when you need us.

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you. I’m looking very forward to the doctor’s appt.

      I’m sorry to hear you know how it feels. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on any of my lovely friends. ❤

  5. kat

    oh! what a fucking ass! you are totally right to be completely done with him–he soooo does not deserve you(s). you are soooo completely better than him, and deserve someone who knows it. hope new doc and meds will help you not spiral too far down, especially since you know it is all him-even if it feels like its you. hope you don’t go too far down the hole. i have come to see, over the past 5 yrs(post breakup of 14 yr marriage), that I AM quite ok all by myself, that i won’t compromise myself anymore for anyone, not even a partner. that i can be happy, content, satisfied just with me. i hope you find this place too, sooner not later.

    1. Pen Post author

      Aw. Your righteous fury on my behalf is so sweet. It makes me smile. Thank you. I’m sorry you’ve gone through similar stuff. That’s rotten. I think you’re an amazing person though so that gives me hope that this stuff shall pass.
      I hope the new doc will be helpful too.

  6. Bourbon

    Ugh. I’m sorry. How awful. I really hope this doesn’t make you fall into the self hatred spin cycle too hard. I hope the Dr has some little gem tomorrow, or something, to keep you from falling so hard. xx

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you ❤ I'm trying really hard to not fall downdowndown.
      Hopefully the doctor will be helpful. That will make so much difference. I'm almost done with Brain on Fire and the main thing I feel like I'm learning is the doctors/team make all the difference. Even between life or death.
      ❤ ❤


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