The term my doctor used today to describe everything going on with me is “brainitis”.  He was quick to say this is not a medical term, just a way to say that my issues are related to my brain.

Obviously, this isn’t entirely surprising.  But I was surprised to have a doctor insist on going over all my mental-health (a term he didn’t like; he preferred “brain” or “mind”) related maladies.

He then stated we didn’t discuss any mental-health possibilities at my last visit.  And he was peeved that I’d “withheld”.
This gave me pause and confusion.  I was so sure that I talked my history of depression and mentioned my psych ward stay.  I even wrote about it in my last entry, didn’t I? But he showed me the sheet I had to fill out describing all my ailments and sure enough, no mental-health stuff was checked.

I’m worried.  And it triggered me a bit to see that.  Am I having false memories?  Am I losing time again?  All doctor’s visits have always been hazy and riddled with 5-10 minute holes here and there.  I just assumed it was me spacing in general due to my fear/discomfort with doctors.

But here’s evidence that something different may be happening.  The paperwork didn’t match what I was so sure I’d done.  I’m trying not to freak out.

Anyway.  Not the point of this entry.

So we discussed my mental-health at length.  And we addressed the fact that this hypertension issue started after my miscarriage in October of 2011.

Dr. J’s idea is my brain is all messed on a chemistry and processing level.  And the hormones got all imbalanced after the miscarriage and my mental-health suffered as well (obviously with the acute depression and suicidal thoughts).

He thinks I also have trouble with being addicted to opiates.  That was hard to hear.  I don’t consider myself an addict.  I think of the clients at my jobs who were true addicts to meth, crack, pills, alcohol.  And I don’t want to be that.  I don’t consider myself that.

I think Dr. J more meant my brain is addictive towards the opiate painkillers I’ve been prescribed in the past and it’s messed some things up.

So it all comes back to my brain.  It already hasn’t been running correctly with my childhood and history of abuse (Which I actually mentioned to him.  On a SECOND visit.  He’s good.).  Then it gets hit with a bad pregnancy/miscarriage and that just further pushes things outta whack.

It’s not an unsound theory.  After reading “Brain on Fire”; I’m very open to the idea of the brain/mind being related to physical maladies.

At one point during the appointment, I was briefly upset by Dr. J and unsure about my good thoughts regarding him the other day.  He had a point where he started speaking harshly about the expenses of my hospital stays and how he just wished I was more honest about my mental-health and why was I so ashamed about it???

Wow.  How can I possibly explain a lifetime of masking/boxing/sucking-it-up like a good daughter for my father?  How can I explain that it is shameful?
I’ve never thought of it like I do my migraines.  I would never ever discuss my mental-health at work; but I talk about migraines all the time.  I talk about my hypertension.

And lectures about money just make me think of Daddy and his constant disappointment in me not being some amazing financial success.  And that my pile of debt is unacceptable to be a proper daughter.  A lady shouldn’t have that.  A lady to should be entirely sufficient.

My father will never accept this “brainitis” theory.

And that, more than anything, is my concern for today.

I still find Dr. J to be an amazing doctor.  I find his meticulousness, his respect, his desire for absolute honestly understandable and refreshing.

But I do so wish it could just be my heart.  Or my kidneys.  Or some organ malfunctioning. Something my father would accept as not being within my control.  He will never accept that my brain is simply “broken”.

He never has.

12 thoughts on “Brainitis

  1. Wanderer

    I’m so happy to hear the Doctor passed round 2. I’m sorry to hear that all of this triggered you/memories of your father. It’s kind of scary how much clout parents have in how we see ourselves—I have that, too. I hope things continue to go well with your doctor. I hope you can see your “brainitis” like you would see any other “-itis”. Your brain isn’t broken, it’s just a little bit wonky and perhaps is causing some other things to go haywire. That doesn’t mean YOU are broke.

    Lots of hopeful *hugs*

    1. Pen Post author

      Your words always perk me up. I really appreciate your thorough methods in cheering me up.

      I’ll try not to let the male parental opinion get me too down. At least I still have the kickass female parental to remind me it’s okay no matter the ailment 🙂

      Yay hugs! Lotsa hugs back ❤

      1. Wanderer

        I’m happy to hear that! I always look forward to seeing how you’re doing.

        Yay for the kickass female parental–she seems great 🙂

      1. Wanderer

        I thank I been called a writer once or twice, but if’n I’m a rull pen pusher, wahll, I’ll just hafta come back to you on that one there.

        I’m also Foghorn Leghorn.

      2. Pen Post author

        Lmao. I adore you. I only wish you were closer so we could go to fun restaurants and people-watch.

      3. Wanderer

        That sounds like a perfectly idyllic afternoon. I would try not to break into Foghorn Leghorn impressions too often or they might lose their flair. The adoration is oh so mutual 🙂

  2. vwoopvwoop

    *warm, safe hugs* oh darling. it sounds like the doctor really cares, and he’s doing his best to help. what your dad believes or doesn’t believe is ingrained in you, i know because i empathize and my parents’ beliefs are always judging me from the inside, all the time. but darling it isn’t reality, it doesn’t matter what your dad believes, he isn’t right, he doesn’t know, he isn’t you. i hope you can trust your own experience. much, much love to you.

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you for the hugs and love. I know on a normal level that my dad’s thoughts and beliefs shouldn’t matter. It’s just such an effort to shake that ingrained behavior process and worry of judgment. I’ll do my best though. I really want to get to that toxic-free life ❤

  3. Bourbon

    That must have been pretty shocking to realise that the first appt with him wasn’t quite as it seemed to you. Is anybody in your system able to fill you in a bit on what happened to make that the case? Regardless, this Dr sounds firm but trustworthy and that’s why I’ve stayed with my GP for 6 years now. Those same qualities. Hugs coming your way if wanted xx

    1. Pen Post author

      There’s some spacey responses in the system. No one really deals well with doctors at all. Middi’s probably the best and she’s sort of just shrugging. There’s a general sense of apathy. Apparently it shouldnt’ be concerning? I dunno.

      I do think the doctor is a good mix. The quick results help too.

      I always could do with Bourb-hugs. Mmmmm, cookie (I mean biscuit) flavored ❤


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