Depression

Today depression has got me tightly in its grasp.

I’ve barely left my bed and when I do, it’s to stare without feeling at my wreck of a kitchen.

The normal, healthy me would curl her upper lip in disgust at my unwashed dishes and crumpled paper towels littering the counter.

But the depressed me just sighs and decides maybe I could stand a movie.

I’ve already slept in and taken a nap. I cannot sleep any more. I’ve had some blueberries and a couple slightly stale tortilla chips.

A gallon of diet coke.

I wonder idley if it’s the combination of meds the new doctor has me on.
It has been awhile since I’ve been so bone-tired depressed.

I try frying chicken. Cooking can sometimes shake me. There is a momentary spark, but it is only that deep-buried normal me lamenting the further dirtying of the kitchen.

There is no following desire to clean it.

I do not eat the chicken. I give Zoe a small piece. She swallows it with little joy. Or so it seems. She lounges around with me dejectedly. Barely reacting to the noisy children outside that would normally get her to bark at least once.

I would feel bad about having it rub off on her, but the depression is coiled too tightly around me and all I can think about is how can I possibly pass the time until my body will allow me sleep again.

No movies grab my interested. I flip through a library book but nothing strikes me.

I just want this to pass. I want the chilly disjointed feeling to flutter far away.

But it only slips closer and rubs itself deep into my skin.

Perhaps the morning will be better.

image

Lying in bed with Zoe

20 thoughts on “Depression

    1. Pen Post author

      I’m sorry you aren’t feeling your best either. It’s rotten, I know. Thank you for the thoughts. Here’s hoping we both get better soon.

      Reply
  1. NotAPunkRocker

    How long have you been on the meds now? They can sometimes make things feel weird or worse until they really kick in.

    Reply
      1. NotAPunkRocker

        Just keep track of your symptoms/feelings and then call the doctor if you have to get clarification on 1. if this is normal and, if so 2. when to expect it to abate. You can also see if there is an after-hours or nurse information line that might be able to help you rather than the mixed bag you get on the internet sometimes.

        Sending virtual hugs and healing vibes. Reach out if you need me.

  2. Shae

    I’m so sorry that you’re having such a hard time. Breathing is work on days like this, I know. Keep taking care of yourself. If the dishes don’t get done, then they can wait another day. You will get there, but in small steps. Be gentle with yourself.
    Sending light to you.

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you for that. It’s hard to remind myself that just breathing and waiting is all right. Your words helped ❤

      Reply
  3. Bourbon

    Aww Zoe is such a good buddy. She probably knows it might annoy you to have to deal with an overactive pup when you don’t feel you can move. She’s probably staying nice and chilled for you. Doesn’t mean she isn’t happy and content though xx you’re doing good trying to get yourself out of this pit but sometimes just allowing yourself to be in it is the way out. Love to u and Zoe xx

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      She is an excellent baby. You’re probably right. She is so good to me. Today I tried to make it up to her by taking her to the dog park.
      I feel slightly better. Got flirted with. Which was strange.
      Thank you for you lovely thoughts! Xoxoxo

      Reply
  4. Hampton

    Wow. You have captured quite accurately and elegantly a way I often feel. If you’re feeling that way due to meds tho- that sucks extra lots! Hope things get better soon.

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      I’m flattered that you find my description relatable. I struggle with depression in general, but some recent change in medications I think are affecting me a bit harsher than usual.
      Pleasure to meet you!

      Reply
  5. Wanderer

    Hugs and hopes that the fog will lift soon! I second the suggestion to cuddle up with Zoe. Dogs know when you’re sad and she’s probably just being sympathetic in her doggy way. Thinking of you today.

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      You are a darling. I am feeling a bit better today. Spoiled Zoe-girl by taking her to the dog park. And I got rewarded by a cute boy asking for my number 🙂
      Surprised me since I thought I looked like crap (depression saps my normal beauty regime). Interesting day.

      Reply
      1. Wanderer

        It’s amazing how sometimes just getting out of the house/bed—when that’s the LAST thing you WANT to do—makes you feel so much better.

        And a cute boy asking for your number can always perk you up! Even if that’s all that ever happens 🙂

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