The Girl Who Played Robot

Once upon a time there was a girl…

She wished she was a robot.

She wished she didn’t have any desire for love, support, or acceptance.

Sometimes she would pretend to be a robot.  She would shove people away for no reason (they didn’t do anything wrong) and turn off those pesky emotions.  Robots do not need emotions.

The whispers and hisses in her brain could be considered software malfunction.  Just ignore it.  Do a system reboot and it’ll all be okay.

Turn off that part that dwells on the past.  That nostalgia or loneliness for a particular person is nothing but a series of numbers and code.  There may be a bug in the system making her think she misses him.  But she definitely doesn’t.

The robot is thinking that the idea of starting a new committed relationship is unnecessary.  The robot does not need others.

She lets this new man attempt kissing and caressing while daydreaming about having a small metal frame and being filled with only wires.

He asks to be “committed and official” and she puzzles over what this means.  She shrugs at the request to put in on the internet (Facebook, of course).  It doesn’t much matter anyway.

She wishes the rising nausea and pain and blood pressure could be solved.  If only she could be a robot.  Then all that swirling frustrating pain would be nonexistent.

A robot would solve all these pesky problems.

She debates on pretending to be a robot.  She’s good at that.

17 thoughts on “The Girl Who Played Robot

    1. Pen Post author

      I dunno. I wonder if part of it just me being a wimp/commitment-phobe or if it really is that this guy is perhaps moving too fast for my liking.

      I kind of feel like maybe I haven’t had proper time to grieve for the loss of my last relationship…even though I hate grieving and don’t want to.

  1. Grainne

    OH sweetheart…God, MY heart stopped when I read “committed and official”. Take a deep breath and realize that you are the one who holds the power over your life. You can slow things down, you can even ask him to leave you alone. Do what is right for YOU and try hard to not complicate things with (pesky) emotions.

    When I was a little girl I used to wish I was a teddy bear. Something that sat on a shelf and sometimes got hugged, but never, ever felt anything but the stuffing inside me. xo

    1. Pen Post author

      I love that you got what is the most freaky to me about this situation.
      I’m debating on cancelling the whole dinner thing for tonight. It’s sweet (according to my friends and family) that he wants to make me dinner, but the whole thing of going to his house and meeting his brother (and possibly mother) freaks me out. A lot. Lotlotlot. Also triggery with the whole ED thing.

      A teddy bear and a robot would be excellent friends. That would be a great animation I think. Or comic ❤

      1. Grainne

        OMFG did I miss a post? Yeah, meeting his mother is a bit much at this point no? Why do people need to move so damn fast, is my question. *hugs you* I’m sure your friends and family mean well, encouraging you and all but it would scare the hell out of me…all that serious commitment so suddenly. Be true to you. Do what YOU need. xx Will work out best in the end, I think. xo

  2. Mental Mama

    Wow, you’ve been seeing him for how long? Seems a bit quick for me. I’d been seeing Josh for probably 4 months before I met any of his family except his daughter. I’m with Grainne – you have every right to tell him he needs to slow down. And it’s entirely your choice if you advertise it on FB.

  3. kat

    i think being the robot is a really effective way of coping with situations and emotions that are overwhelming, whether from the past or current. i have been a robot most of my life (except when those pesky emotions took over). being a robot is safe, safe from everything related to emotions and other scary things. so, if this situation with the new guy is scary and overwhelming, maybe, like grainne says, slow it down? i dont know, but do what feels best for you.

  4. Nataly

    I have been a robot. I was great at it! I’m not now, and it sucks, actually. However, we have instinctual responses for a reason. And if you feel it’s moving to fast for you, then it’s moving too fast for you. We each have different speeds and that’s ok 🙂 Just make sure you are comfortable in the situation. Sometimes, we might just need to say to the other person, I’m scared and this is moving too fast. And then, after expressing that fear, you might find the pace comfortable. Or you might not. The only thing I *have* learned, is that failing being a robot, there is only fuitiliy in holding back how you feel. xo.

    1. Pen Post author

      It is looking like what I need is that courageous expression of “this is too fast but I still like you”.

      I’m glad I’m not the only one who likes to play robot 🙂

  5. vwoopvwoop

    i identify a lot with the want to be a robot. for me it was always, i want to be consciousness without a body, i want to exist but not physically. i guess we all have our own version of dissociative comfort.

    he’s pretty enthusiastic but i don’t think he understands that the deeper this relationship goes the more vulnerable you are to being hurt, and i don’t think he understands that you need to protect yourself from unnecessary harm. maybe he’s really healthy and just excited, or maybe his own version of dysfunction is that he wants to feel “secure” in a relationship as fast as possible, to avoid the “insecurity” of being alone. i have no idea, but whatever his reasoning is, your feelings are very important to these decisions and if you don’t want to do something then you absolutely do not have to do it. if it doesn’t feel right to you, well, trust your instincts. you are the one who would have to suffer and pick up the pieces if this quick commitment went sour, so you get to say no — you don’t feel secure enough in these fast changes. i don’t want you to get hurt, and neither do you (i think), so for goodness sake i hope you can calm this puppy guy down (it reminds me of a little puppy the way he is so quick to trust and love and seems to live in the moment) and explain that it’s too fast.

    it’s not unreasonable to expect less commitment from a relationship that is *weeks old*. if anything, it’s healthy to take things slower.

    much love to you. ❤ he sounds very nice, but it has only been such a short time you've been dating…chillax buddy.

    1. Pen Post author

      Your replies always give me so much feels. I can’t thank you enough for caring that much about our friendship and giving me such thoughtful comments.

      I think you’re right. I don’t think this guy is bad, but there is a level of speed that he needs to know I’m not comfortable with. And your analogy of a puppy seems very spot on. Go you!

      I shall dig for that courage to sit down and tell him we need to “chillax” 🙂

      Lots of love ❤

  6. Shawn Ashley

    Parts of us… Are all robots… I would like to be one… More thoroughly.. I feel too much.. While the alters… Don’t feel at all… I sometimes wonder if being numb can really help… Or even maybe bring a balance… I have no idea… I would like to know, though… I can relate, because I shut everyone out for no reason… Just so I can… Just so I don’t have to talk about me…. What I’m feeling.. they don’t get it anyway.. It just saves time… And emotions.. I have so many.. I don’t like being able to feel everyone else’s… I want to turn it off… But…. That ability… Makes me special.. And makes those around me… Love me… I have a deep rooted desire to be loved… So I feel I can’t turn it off.. And it tortures me…

    .. Balance.. Everyone needs balance.


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