The Keys

All I want is some control.

I feel like things are slipping again.  I don’t want to be wishy-washy.  I don’t want to fall into old habits, even if they feel safe.

But I want to be happy.

And it’s so hard to deny that feeling of elation that I get from him.

Though I must remind myself that he isn’t any better than the others.  He decided to betray me too.  He decided I wasn’t worthy of faithfulness.  That I could be simply discarded.

But it’s so hard to push that easy feeling of comfort away.

The way the heat rushes through me so easily when he brushes his fingers over me.
The natural way my head tilts against him when I sit close.
The way he knows to stroke my hair when I’m feeling nervous.
The way he gets just the right level of teasing and sarcasm to make me smile.
The way he kisses the top of my head as an afterthought of affection.
The way he knows I carry all my tension in my neck and shoulders.
The way he recognizes the look of self-loathing in my eyes and knows the right words to make me debate on being beautiful.

No one else knows me so well.

And I find myself not wanting to give those keys to anyone else.  But I’m not sure if my possessive take on my innermost workings is because I truly want him to be the only one to unlock them…

Or that I want no one to unlock them again.

Perhaps being closed to the world is better.


9 thoughts on “The Keys

    1. Pen Post author

      I just wish I had the courage to decide in a non-destructive way. I don’t know which way is more destructive though. They both seems like paths filled with thorns and brambles.

  1. kat

    very interesting insight, pen. maybe right now you might need to evaluate on whether there is anyone who actually deserves the keys into your kingdom. maybe at the moment, there isn’t. but maybe you might meet a friend, a lover, a boyfriend who earns that right. and then you will know that it is safe to hand over the keys. sometimes we do need to lock ourselves up tight while we figure things out, especially after being hurt, betrayed, or having a loss. and that’s ok. give yourself time to figure out where you are, and where others in your life are. then decide if they get keys. good luck. and i think we all have difficulty letting others in, especially if there is recent trauma or betrayal.

  2. Mental Mama

    I agree with kat. It’s going to take time with a new man to find out if he’s worthy of receiving the keys. Army’s biggest advantage at this point is that he’s known you long enough to have learned that you respond well to all of those wonderful things you shared. Another man might be able to do even better – if given the time to learn.

    1. Pen Post author

      Logically I see where you’re coming from. My problem is any time I try to allow any other guy to try and have a relationship with me, it triggers me; it’s uncomfortable, it’s overwhelming, they never understand my medical or mental-health stuff, they are too physical too quickly, etc.

      I just don’t think I want to try anyone new anymore. Mentally, I can’t handle “training” some idiot puppy of a guy. I just can’t. Either he gets me or he doesn’t. And the multitude I’ve tried just don’t. So logically, they aren’t there.

      So it’s a matter of whether I be a nun or allow Army another chance. I’m not sure at this point. He and I have hung out tentatively and I’m not sure how I feel about it yet.

      1. Mental Mama

        I entirely get the “training” thing – it’s actually a huge part of why I continue to put up with bullshit from Josh. The only other tidbit I can really offer is that if y’all were not in an officially committed relationship, it isn’t technically cheating. It still hurts like hell, don’t get me wrong.

      2. Pen Post author

        That’s the argument he makes. But I got him to see it from my perspective too, since it isn’t really the sleeping with someone else that I have the biggest problem with. It’s that he just shut down towards me beforehand, and then said he slept with her because he felt depressed and lonely and “just needed company”. In my opinion, that’s contradictory.

        When I broke down though about how it truly wounded me, he was pretty stricken. The most I’ve seen him. He’s really been laying on the “wooing” since. And promises to contact me when he’s depressed and lonely and not just assume I’ll be psychic.

        I dunno. I told him I would hang out for now. Have sex in a casual sense, since I desperately need it anyway. But I’m not sure what I think of him or the relationship in a long term sense.

      3. Mental Mama

        Ah, well, in light of that – totally cheating, in the worst sense of the word.

        Men rarely see what’s right in front of their noses, but expect us to have some “womanly sense” that allows us to predict their every need before they even realize it. Sure…

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