Crux (trigger warning)

At the crux is pain. And terror. And my brain just whirling and swirling when I just want it to settle.

One of my greatest fears is doctors. And surgeries. I don’t know if I can do this. Don’t know if I can do this tonsillectomy.

I think I’m having a full blown case of the mentals.

Just match. Just stop. Stop swirling. Stop crying. Stop hurting.

I just want it to stop.


11 thoughts on “Crux (trigger warning)

  1. Grainne

    Oh honey. *hugs you* I’m so sorry. Do they have to take your tonsils? You must have chronic issues for them to want to take them out (at least, that’s how it happens here). I wish I could go with you. *holds your hand* xo

    1. Pen Post author

      They do. They’re pretty sure it’s tied to my blood pressure. A sleep study I did showed that I was at 75 o2 stats for a good portion of the night with my heart rate not reacting. Basically my body is in crisis, but my heart doesn’t care because “it’s normal”.
      But there’s this whole catch 22 happening because they won’t do the surgery outpatient until my BP is lower, but I need the surgery to lower my BP. And my insurance won’t cover the surgery in-hospital for an adult, only outpatient because they don’t think there’s any situation that warrants tonsils to be taken out in a hospital for someone over 13 years old.
      So panic attack. Yeah.

      Today is only a mite better.

      Thank you for your hugs and thoughts though. They help. I would love for you to go with me. That would be so fantabulous. ❤

      1. Grainne

        I’d do it in a heartbeat if I could.

        Ahh I see the need now…that bp deal worries me for you. Like my arthritis, having an ailment that is usually only seen in older people (older than us anyway) is a huge pain because the treatments aren’t geared to our age group. I wonder if it would help with your blood pressure though….that would be kind of amazing. xx

  2. Wanderer

    Doctors are no fun and surgeries are less fun. So sorry you’ll have to go through that. Hang in there—you can do it, and if it’ll help get you healthy, it will be worth it! *hugs*

  3. Mental Mama

    Hang in there. This surgery is a little one, I’ve had it. You’ll go in – hopefully in the morning – and you should be home in time for dinner. The worst part for me was getting the IV started.

    1. Pen Post author

      Well. Except docs won’t approve outpatient because of my BP range and health insurance won’t approve in-hospital because of my age. Hence my panic attack and huge mess. It’s a flippin’ catch 22. Can’t easily do the surgery because of my BP but can’t lower my BP without the surgery. Blerrrrrrrrgh.

      Today’s slightly better.

      Besides rotten job fair asshats. How about you, Grainne, and me just go get a tub of wine to share tonight? ❤

    1. Pen Post author

      Surgeries suck balls. They are awful. I’m sorry you have to deal with this mess too. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I appreciate your thoughts so much. Thanks for taking the time to let me know I’m not alone.
      You hang in there too. Safe hugs, if you want them . No pressure though.


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