Coping with the M word

I’m already dreading Sunday and feeling that curling sick feeling in my stomach.

Probably won’t post this weekend.

I heard two women on the elevator this morning talking about st–lborns and mis—riages.  I have no idea why a person would discuss such topics on a busy public elevator.

I’ve had some planning issues with having company on Sunday.  I’m not sure if it’s going to happen.

Army get some credit though, as he is trying very hard to get a shift swap to take place so he can be off.  The problem is he has this absolutely horrible partner that everyone in his company hates and no one wants to work with.  So I’m not sure about him being available.

Texas was supposed to be, but she said she’s got some homework and her boyfriend’s soccer game.  I keep reminding myself that I need to stop being selfish and other people have lives and sitting with a dumb girl who is just having a case of the mentals is no one’s idea of a good way to spend a Sunday.

Rogers said he’s still down.  And he’s being gracious about Army joining us if he is able to get off.

I’m just dreading it so much.

I know I shouldn’t drink or down any pills that day or my mind will just swirl out of control.  Rogers has offered me the herbal alternative if I would like, but I am unsure how that would affect me when I’m so unbalanced.  Especially with the DID/MPD.

I just want this weekend to pass without me carving words into my skin again while high on pills and drunk on booze.  And alone.  Last year was such a mess.

I just want to have an excuse to not dwell.  If I’m alone, I know I’ll dwelldwelldwell.  But it feels so ridiculous and selfish asking other people to spend time with me when I know I’ll be probably semi-robotic and terrible company.

I should stop being so selfish and just stay at the apartment.  Maybe I could managing some sort of movie-thon on my own.

7 thoughts on “Coping with the M word

  1. NotAPunkRocker

    If I didn’t have to work on Monday, I would drive out there to be with you. Instead, know that I am here via phone, email or chat. I realize it isn’t the same thing, but you don’t have to be completely alone.

    1. Pen Post author

      You’re sweet. I’ll try to remember that.

      Just realized I didn’t title this post. Oh well. Don’t feel like putting a title.

  2. vwoopvwoop

    *endless hugs*

    i’m glad you have reached out to people and they’re trying to be available to you. last year was very hard, i empathize with your dread of this returning anniversary. whatever thoughts and feelings come up, i hope they are validated (that means by you too!). no matter what, it seems like you understand that this weekend needs to be as gentle as possible for you, that your first priority can be taking care of yourself in this upsetting time. lots and lots of love to you, friend. ❤

  3. Mental Mama

    Hang in there, you can do this. The herbs might help, I’ll just pass along that it tends to make me horny. Just something to keep in mind. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. *hugs*

  4. Grainne

    You know I’d be there if I could be. xo Are you going to work on Monday? (I hope not!!) If you are….I’m in the office all day and would love to at least take your mind off things (or talk about them, whichever helps more).


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