The Answer

I had a dream last night.

I dreamed a solution for all my health trouble and medical maladies.

I dreamed that in all my previous lives/incarnations, my body perished before the age of 25.  Not necessarily in a nasty way (though some were).  Then it was explained to me that my soul is not able to stay in a body past 25.

That the body will begin to break down.  To self-destruct.  And it was explained in the dream so logically, so simply.

It made complete sense.

It makes complete sense.

I’m supposed to die.

Not in a suicidal way, but in a way that my soul will simply burn this body up before too long.

I am not sure why my soul isn’t able to keep a body alive longer.  I only know that it can’t.

My psyche is fragmented.  There are parts of me screaming out that this belief is complete irrational.  That I am slipping into a schizophrenic type delusion.

Those voices are silly.

Don’t they see this explanation makes complete sense?  That it explains everything?  Of course my body does not respond to meds and has unexplained symptoms that are trying desperately to give me a stroke/heart attack or other malady.

I don’t really feel sad.  I feel so very relieved.  I thank this dream for giving me the answer.  I can relax.  I can stop fighting, stop struggling, and just rest.

I look forward to not being in pain anymore.

I know there are people who will be sad.  But it’s meant to be.  It’s how I am made.  How my soul exists.  It cannot be unmade or changed.

Cogs in a clock, things must move as they are meant to.

Peace sounds so very nice.

Secrets

I know her secrets.

I know when she says “I miss you” she means “I love you”.

I know when she says “I wish you were here” she means “please don’t leave me”.

What a dumb bitch.

I do like that she’s screwing herself over though. Less work for me.

He is getting too close. Wanting too much. We don’t need that. That is badbad. Dangerous. Notgood.

Alone is better. This whole “romance” bullshit just drags everything into darkness and destruction.

…though destruction at least means things won’t be boring.

All these secrets she keeps from herself. Just going to collapse. Soon soon soon.

Docs yet again

Another doctor.  Cardiologist appointment next week.

The past 10 days have been awful.

Honestly, I’ve debated on stopping taking all my meds and just letting the possible stroke/heart-attack happen that all these doctors like to use as threats.  Pretty much all of them say they think I’m not really taking all my meds anyway.

Because how could a 25 year old who is not obese and has no family history of heart or blood pressure issues possibly have malignant hypertension that resists pretty much all medications on the market?

Maybe a stroke or heart attack would actually get me to a doctor who gives a shit and stops dismissing me.

Maybe I’ll get lucky and this cardiologist (third I’ve seen in the past 2 years) will give a couple fucks.

I doubt it.

I’ll update if I’m told anything worth reporting.  Probably.

Most likely you’ll see the report on the news about me slaughtering him/her because they tried to prescribe addition hypertension-related meds and didn’t look for any underlying issue.

I’m serious, 7 different meds is enough (11 with the side effect and mental-health meds).

No more.

Time to figure out how to take meds away.

Responses to Illness

Something visual to try and shake up these blues.  I still haven’t been feeling great and I don’t have much to say on the subject.  So I leave you with this:

If physical illnesses were treated like mental illnesses..

Photo Credit