Bisexual Shame

Last night my phone let out the familiar bing sound stating I have a new Facebook message.

I did not expect it to cause a spiral of shame and self-loathing I haven’t felt in years.

The message was from a male acquaintance of mine.  He’s one of those “friends of a friend” that I stay connected with on social networking because I like the feeling of being involved in a group.  Even if it isn’t really an honest feeling.

I’m just going to summarize the message and most subsequent conversation because I really can’t even deal with having all of it here verbatim.

He stated he was offering me “the chance” to have sex with his fiancée so that she may get “girl sex out of her system”.

I was floored.

1.) I have not spoken to this man for over a year.

2.) I have never met his fiancée. Or spoken to her. Or seen her.

3,) He and I have never, ever discussed my sexual habits or tastes.  I assume he found out from our mutual friend that I used to be in a relationship with a woman.

I tried to be delicate in my initial reply and stated that I was uncomfortable with his message, being as I’d never met his fiancée.  I further explained that I am not comfortable with the whole sex with someone else while in a committed relationship.

He replied accusing me of thinking his fiancée is ugly and that “girl on girl does not count as cheating”, especially since he’s perfectly fine with it. He then said that he wouldn’t even “have to watch” if that was my “issue”.

At this point I’m sure I should have just stopped replying, unfriended and blocked him.  But some little part of me just wanted to see why on earth he would think this way. And perhaps educate him on how “girl on girl sex” is not different from heterosexual sex.

So I followed up with obviously I could not be commenting on his fiancée’s appearance, being that I’d never met her.  Additionally, that I wasn’t referring to his own comfort with his fiancée having sex with a second person; I was referring to the fact that my own boyfriend would not be okay with said experience.  And that it was flat-out offensive to think that a lesbian experience would have any lesser meaning than a heterosexual.

Here’s where I just reeled.

I didn’t mean lesbian. You’re bisexual. You have sex with both. I’m offering you this awesome no strings attached opportunity with my fiancee, who is definitely hot, and you can do whatever you want to her. Bisexuals love that stuff.

I just…

I don’t even have words for that response.

Only shame. I hate this stigma with bisexuals so very much. So much.

I hate that it caused me to sob in my living room because of some person I’ve met two times in my life.

I hate the assumption that just because my body and mind isn’t capable of boxing attraction into a single gender that I must be a slutty desperate bit of flesh that anyone can just call up whenever they have some itch that needs to be scratched.

And I hate that this experience has upset me so much to cause a strong enough urge to update this blog after weeks of silence.

I’m just stricken and shamed and so very sad.

(Note: Sorry for the silence. I haven’t had much to say and I couldn’t bring myself to publish any of my inane drafts of bullshit updates. My health isn’t changed [besides additional ER visits].  My work or personal life hasn’t changed. I have nothing interesting to say and didn’t want to bother you all with mindless chatter. Hope everyone is well.)

23 thoughts on “Bisexual Shame

  1. Mental Mama

    WOW, what a fucking douche. He must think a hell of a lot of himself and his fiance to assume that this would be doing you a huge favor. Makes you wonder how that much ego fits in a room.

    Some people just don’t get that sex really should involve some kind of connection – not just friction between two human bodies. I kind of feel sorry for his fiance because it makes you wonder if he’ll get to the point where he tries pimping her out to his guy friends.

    On a happier note, I was really happy to hear you refer to Army as your boyfriend. That’s good, right? 🙂

    1. Pen Post author

      Hah. I suppose. Things have been good with him. He’s insisting on doing something for Vday, which surprised me. He is not of the romantic gesture type.

      On a lower note, he was not very comforting about this experience last night. He seemed to think I was telling him to make him all gruffy jealous or something. Whatever.

      1. Mental Mama

        Nice. Looks like it’s time to whap him upside the head with a dead fish.

        Men just don’t seem to comprehend that there are times when all we really want/need is for them to listen. Don’t judge, don’t try to fix it, just sit still, make appropriate eye contact and comforting noises, and LISTEN.

      2. Pen Post author

        That is a common problem. Sometimes I can remind him that I just need him to listen.

        In positive news, he texted me a picture he had stored of Zoe as a tiny bitty puppy to cheer me up today. So he’s out of the red zone. For now. Lol.

  2. Hope

    Wow, what an ass. I’m sorry you’re dealing with bullshit like that.

    Thinking of you. It’s good to hear from you, even if it’s because you’re struggling.

  3. Hannah

    Missed you, Pen and while I’m glad to hear from you, I’m sorry for the experience that prompted this post. The whole premise of this guy’s “proposal”…proposition? Is ludicrous. Forget any of the aspects of gender preferences. He seems like a total tool. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that and that you’re still struggling with health problems. You are wonderful and certainly do not deserve this kind of negativity.

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you. I knew the replies from my friends would make this better. A big thing I missed while I was on hiatus 🙂

      He does seem like a tool. Do not envy his fiancee.

      1. Hannah

        It’s especially odd to me that he’s doing this because it doesn’t seem like he’s really doing it on her behalf…? You’d think she would be included in the conversation too if it was something she was interested in…but the whole thing is kind of unbelievable. Especially that he a) thought it would be okay and b) proceeded to be so rude.

      2. Pen Post author

        That was something that struck me too. I know if I were the type would could handle threesomes/swapping/etc., I would definitely be doing the “interviews” myself.

  4. anxiouselephant

    What an absolute poohead. Try not to think about it because there are unfortunately always these stupid people in the world. But you’re right, these stereotypes and stigma are not ok, and not fair. Take care of you, hugs xxx

  5. NotAPunkRocker

    What a fucking idiot…I don’t even have words beyond that at the moment. Any explanations of sexuality being on a spectrum, much less NONE of his business, would been totally worthless. I am sorry he managed to get to you with this BS.


    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you. It was just a bad time for me to deal with something like that. Right on the tail of a doctor’s appointment. Ugh.

      Thanks for the hugs. They are super appreciated ❤

  6. thegayav

    It’s so sad that people still think of bisexual people in this way. Here’s hoping that this person has learnt something from your conversation.

    This was a really well written piece. Thank you for sharing.

    1. Pen Post author

      It is an unfortunate thing that people tend to think that way. I suppose the best I can hope for the awful experience is that he learned some little itty bit.

      Thank you for your thoughts! And welcome 🙂

  7. WeeGee

    There is so much wrong with this guy that I do not know where to start. What. A. Dick.

    You are most certainly NOT the one who should be crying and self loathing about this.

    As an aside do you know what I think you should have said? Yer maw 😛

    WeeGee xoxoxox

    ps – how lovely to have you back in my reader 🙂

    1. Pen Post author

      Hah. I should have! WeeGee is always wise in response 😉

      I’m happy to be back! Hopefully I’ll find that strength to continue being back 🙂

  8. lethalmeans

    The nerve of some people! I’ve had that conversation and it is not fun and it always go similarly its like a slap in the face with a bed of nails so its understandable that it effected you so much. I’m bisexual as well and I tend to get really hurt over very little utterance of ignorance toward the sexuality because all my life I’ve been ashamed of it so even just a joking “you know there’s no such thing” hurts. People are just so ignorant and presumptuous like they are doing you a favor for letting you touch them and their significant other and sadly we get stuck with the shame that is rightfully theirs. I you were able to shake that horrid conversation and remember you are loved and if not understood by the monosexuals of the world you’re loved by the bi’s! ❤

  9. kate1975

    If you wrote it and posted it then it wouldn’t be mindless chatter. I’m sorry that you don’t write more often lately. We miss you and like to see your posts, no matter what you write.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.



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