Laudanum Daydreams

These days I cannot help myself from the fantasy draw of laudanum.

I have watched From Hell a good four or five times in the past three weeks.

Read every novel I can find that involves an addiction (The Kitchen House is one I most sympathize with).

I am lost. I ache. I writhe. I am too sharp in this world and I cannot handle it well.

If only I could fade.  Even slightly.  For a time…

My doctor has recently stopped prescribing me any painkillers for the crippling side effects related to the ongoing malignant hypertension struggle.  He states that they only cause more of a yo-yo effect.  I understand where he is coming from, but the pain from this illness is so very difficult to handle with anything over the counter.

I cling to the remaining two bottles of painkillers prescribed in the past.  But I keep swearing to myself that I must save them for when the pain is bad enough to have me crying.  Which still happens too often.

I am given endless supplies of Phenergen and Ativan.

I admit to the occasional self-medicating with these.  Anything to just make it stop.

The doctor is still focused on this fantasy of getting me surgery.  But every single surgeon and anesthesiologist has refused to agree.  They say I am too high risk.

But I can’t keep living as I am.

Next month I go for an in-depth sleep study to prove the neurological and physiological effects the illness has on me, especially during the night.  We are hoping this will be hard enough evidence for some more drastic action.

Perhaps dosing me before surgery.  My doctor has theorized about this possibility.

And I daydream about laudanum.


7 thoughts on “Laudanum Daydreams

  1. kat

    i am so sorry to hear you are still having all these troubles. i still think they should give you some kind of narcotic, even if not laudanum. i really hope they at least do that. good luck on your sleep study.

    1. Pen

      Yeah, I used to have a supply of narcotics. I’d settle for a low-dose one at this point. But my doctor put his foot down. He won’t even give me migraine-related painkillers, stating that I don’t “really have migraines” and the crippling head pain and vomiting are side effects of the hypertension.

      1. kat

        right, everyone with hypertension runs around laying in bed in the dark when its silent puking there guts out. i was an aide in hospitals and nursing homes over 20 yrs, and plenty of patients had hypertension and none ever did that. but many who had migraines did. duh. go figure. i guess thats why he gets paid the big bucks, cuz he’s so smart and cleverlike like that, right? and wee’s just dumbies. im so sorry. i wish i could send you some of my vicodin. probably not much help, but at least its something.

      2. kat

        jesus christ why did i not say this earlier….get a new doc, or at least a 2nd opinion ( i suppose you probably already thought of that. well,, i tried.) or even go to a pain specialist instead. maybe?

  2. Hannah

    So sorry to hear that the health problems haven’t gotten any better. But I’m glad to hear from you. Now I think I’ll be adding From Hell to my movie marathon list for this upcoming weekend/next week. I haven’t watched it in forever and I’m such a sucker for anything Depp. I hope the sleep study provides some new information and sheds some light on the issue that may help them come to a better diagnosis/surgical option. Keep hanging in there, dear one!

  3. NotAPunkRocker

    Continued hugs to you during all of this mess. I wish I could get a doctor’s pay for all the help they seem to provide recently. Ugh.

    Hang in there; I’m willing to drive back there to kick some arses if needed, I am in a fighting mood.


Please share your thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s