Monthly Archives: May 2014

Being Thankful

(I don’t want to keep that last post up at the top any longer)


Today I am thankful.

Despite all my pain and depression and health issues still looming over like a dark cloud, I am thankful.

  • I am thankful to have a roof over my head.
  • I am thankful to have the ability to have food in my fridge (sometimes I choose not to restock due to mental-health, but that doesn’t need to be addressed in this post)
  • I am so very thankful to have Zoe: the best dog in the whole world (to me; I know many of you have the best dogs in the world as well ūüėČ )
  • I am thankful to have some of the best friends that exist. ¬†I am thankful for their gentle understanding mixed with firm encouragement.
  • I am so very thankful for Army. ¬†I may bitch and moan and skitter back from that whole complicated mess of feelings, but he truly has been nothing but helpful during this circling of the drain. ¬†He has been the drain catch that prevents me from fully going down the pipes.

Things are moving forward.  And that is what keeps the dark thoughts away.  It is stagnation that breeds the negativity and urges.

Some good bits of info on my life moving forward:

  1. Zoe and I have been attending a local obedience class and it’s going fantastically. ¬†She isn’t attending because she’s a dog incapable of responding to basic commands (in fact she’s impressed the trainer with her grasp of all the basics: sit, down, wait, come). ¬†It’s the socializing and structured environment that is needed. ¬†For both of us. ¬†Plus, something for us to do together. ¬†She and I are seriously working on heel for the next week; her weakest area of obedience. ¬†But it’s my fault- I’ve always had her off leash (her recall is excellent) or on a harness that prevents her from pulling physically. ¬†I need to get to that mental zone of no pulling. ¬†She’s finding it frustrating, but is working hard. ¬†She’s such a good girl and I can see how much she wants to please me.

    Zoe practicing "sit-wait"

    Zoe practicing “sit-wait”

  2. My best friend (Texas) is getting married in July. ¬†I’m so happy for her. ¬†The man she is marrying is a great guy and has become a good friend to me. ¬†It doesn’t hurt that he’s bailed me out of a couple car fiascoes (he’s a mechanic/engineer). ¬†They’re just doing something small and private but it’s still a big step. ¬†They’re also getting a house together. ¬†Which brings me to the next item…
  3. I’m on the road to purchasing my first home. ¬†It’s due to a couple items coming together, the big one being some settlement money from a class action lawsuit (that’s been going on since I was a little girl) finally coming through. ¬†I’m going to use some of it for a large down payment and finally get that elusive homeowner title. ¬†I’m doing mostly research these days to make sure I make well informed decisions and choose the best possible house for me. ¬†A large yard for Zoe is definitely on the list of wants! It’s also in the plan that Army (and Sofya) will move in with me and surprisingly I’m eager for that. ¬†I suppose that’s how I know I’m ready for this step forward- when Army suggesting living together a year ago I balked. ¬†Now I can’t wait to be able to just cuddle every night (or at least every week, depending on his EMT schedule) and not have to worry about if I have enough energy to drive over and see him.
  4. A raise and possible promotion is in the pipeline at work again. ¬†Probably not until the fall, but I’m still eager for the next step. ¬†I do like the company I work for and would dearly love to stay with them- but I’m getting enough education, experience, and responsibility under my belt that I can’t justify staying with them at my current wage for over a year.

Those are the big items going on. ¬†So despite being at a big roadblock in my health, I’m looking past that to all the wonderful things I have coming in the next year. ¬†I’m determined now to keep truckin’ and see these things all come to a successful conclusion.

And I cannot thank all of you enough for your kind words on my last post. ¬†I know I didn’t reply to the comments and I probably won’t (the post is a hard one for me to read and I want to avoid it for now); but please know that your words were heard and meant a great deal.

Lots of hugs to all!

Fading (TW for suicidal thoughts)

Yesterday all I tried to do was fade.

Slice, swallow, sleep.

But apparently razors and half a bottle of pills isn’t enough.

And now everyone is determined to bug me constantly to make sure I’m “okay”.

Yeah. I’m “okay”. ¬†Sure.

It feels fake to be at work, but where else would I go?

Ace bandages over my injuries so I don’t have to answer any questions beyond “an accident” when asked “What happened?”

I just want to fade.

I’m so very tired and done with faking it and pretending I’m okay.

Obviously the medical world has decided I’m not worth it. ¬†I’m just joining in.

I lied about the number of pills (fifteen) I took yesterday. ¬†Gotta avoid the hospital. ¬†Doctors do nothing. ¬†Though the pills did no more than put me to sleep for awhile yesterday, I’m hoping the toxicity will catch up to me and perhaps I can fade that way.

But I doubt it.

Why would I get what I want now?

After so long of just pushing through, wearing the mask, being the robot, faking the smile- why would it change now?  Why would I finally be able to relax?

Never.

Results

Got the latest medical test results.

Trying to solve this chronic health issues.

Guess what was mailed?

There’s basically nothing wrong with me except I’m fat.

Of course I am.

My family doctor says 5’8″ and 146 is normal.

But the specialist says “weight loss” is the only thing that will solve my problems.

Fatty fat fat.

Dumb fat bitch. Stop listening to stupid hippy doctors.

Obviously the specialists know better.

Just stop eating. Stop stop stop. Replace with gin and pills. That’s a better plan anyway.

So much for my months of being free of self-harm.

The silver streaking pain feels so much better.
Feels better this way.

I deserve all I get.

Slipping (ED trigger)

 

 

 

Image

It seems fitting that this is one of this week’s Postsecrets. ¬†I connect with this confessor like an echo.

My blood pressure is finally starting to settle down around 135/98 (best it’s been in months).

All I feel is Her teeth gnawing at my ankles.

Her dry and stale breath washing over my face when I close my eyes.

Her hissing words vibrating in my chest. ¬†Stop eating. Stop smelling. Stop looking. Stop tasting. You don’t deserve any of this.

It has settled around the time of my birthday, which I would think is strange except I realize this is a time where I feel friends and family trying to fatten me up like a farm animal.  Just in time for the county fair.

Fat pigs need to starve

I’m not sure if I can step away this time. ¬†I felt a taste of Her will a couple months ago and managed to shake it off. ¬†But this time…

This time does feel like coming home.

Like I’ve been lost and cold for so very long. ¬†There is finally a comfortable hearth I can settle in front of of and warm this aching chill.

I can trade the time intended for consuming that lumpy fat others call food.  I can trade it for sleeping. For daydreaming. For running. For hiking. For all the things in the world that will make me strong and clean and empty.  

Empty is good.  Empty is safe.  Empty is accepting.