Slipping (ED trigger)

 

 

 

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It seems fitting that this is one of this week’s Postsecrets.  I connect with this confessor like an echo.

My blood pressure is finally starting to settle down around 135/98 (best it’s been in months).

All I feel is Her teeth gnawing at my ankles.

Her dry and stale breath washing over my face when I close my eyes.

Her hissing words vibrating in my chest.  Stop eating. Stop smelling. Stop looking. Stop tasting. You don’t deserve any of this.

It has settled around the time of my birthday, which I would think is strange except I realize this is a time where I feel friends and family trying to fatten me up like a farm animal.  Just in time for the county fair.

Fat pigs need to starve

I’m not sure if I can step away this time.  I felt a taste of Her will a couple months ago and managed to shake it off.  But this time…

This time does feel like coming home.

Like I’ve been lost and cold for so very long.  There is finally a comfortable hearth I can settle in front of of and warm this aching chill.

I can trade the time intended for consuming that lumpy fat others call food.  I can trade it for sleeping. For daydreaming. For running. For hiking. For all the things in the world that will make me strong and clean and empty.  

Empty is good.  Empty is safe.  Empty is accepting.

4 thoughts on “Slipping (ED trigger)

  1. Mental Mama

    Sorry, I don’t get it. How is empty better than giving your body the nourishment it needs to be strong and whole? I entirely agree with not eating “food” that’s all fat and artificial crap, but natural healthy foods are good for us.

    I am honestly not trying to judge, just to understand. I think you’re a beautiful woman, inside and out.

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      Because everyone comments on when I don’t fit the smaller tops. At work. At the mall. At home.

      Empty is good. Less buzz in the head, less heavy in the stomach. Much much better.

      I don’t need whole. Never been that anyway.

      Reply
  2. kat

    im so sorry you are being pulled back into the ED. just because it feels familiar (and thus warm and comforting) does not mean it is really warm and comforting. it is just familiar and thus easier to fall into the habit of. i hope you keep resisting and find another way to work out your anxieties and stresses and fears of losing or not being in control. you are worth it–being healthy, strong, living rather than surviving–even if it means giving up the familiarity of ED.

    Reply
  3. Anajmb26

    I hope you find a way to fight this too . I understand the comfort of something familiar and the control. But what I missed 9 plus months ago was that this destroys life and makes me want to cease existing. For all the comfort it brings the bars and shackles that come with it suffocate me. It makes me forget that while I enjoy parts if an ed in truth I am simply digging my grave. The depths of darkness here at the bottom may be familiar but they is nothing comforting about them. The unending screams that go on day and night and make me feel guilty are so overwhelming I can’t bare them. In the end if I cannot change and let go of this there will be one end. Death. I am not above thinking it will not happen to me. I have almost lost to this myself before. I never wanted to come back here. Sure there were moments when I was tempted to go back because I could be smaller or fit in smaller clothes. But I had forgotten the price. There is no cheap ya around it. And no matter how good those clothes look on you…. People will see then only for a moment until they close your casket and begin shoveling dirt on it. This is my reality. The is the part of the game I am playing. I don’t want to be buried. I don’t want to live in this hell everyday. I hope you find a way not to come back. Here skeleton or not you are simply the walking dead until your heartbeat stops

    Reply

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