Fading (TW for suicidal thoughts)

Yesterday all I tried to do was fade.

Slice, swallow, sleep.

But apparently razors and half a bottle of pills isn’t enough.

And now everyone is determined to bug me constantly to make sure I’m “okay”.

Yeah. I’m “okay”.  Sure.

It feels fake to be at work, but where else would I go?

Ace bandages over my injuries so I don’t have to answer any questions beyond “an accident” when asked “What happened?”

I just want to fade.

I’m so very tired and done with faking it and pretending I’m okay.

Obviously the medical world has decided I’m not worth it.  I’m just joining in.

I lied about the number of pills (fifteen) I took yesterday.  Gotta avoid the hospital.  Doctors do nothing.  Though the pills did no more than put me to sleep for awhile yesterday, I’m hoping the toxicity will catch up to me and perhaps I can fade that way.

But I doubt it.

Why would I get what I want now?

After so long of just pushing through, wearing the mask, being the robot, faking the smile- why would it change now?  Why would I finally be able to relax?

Never.

8 thoughts on “Fading (TW for suicidal thoughts)

  1. postmodernborderline

    One thought comes to mind… the end of Kurt Cobain’s suicide note, this part -> “Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I’m too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don’t have the passion anymore, and so remember, it’s better to burn out than to fade away.”

    Reply

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